


resurfacing

by kawaiidonut



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, M/M, technically canon continuation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 77,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiidonut/pseuds/kawaiidonut
Summary: everything is great until shinji remembers.
Relationships: Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 170
Kudos: 300





	1. Prologue (Chapter 1)

**Author's Note:**

> i have been wanting to write this for a while, and now that i am a University Graduate™ i have a lot more free time on my hands, so i'm gonna go for it!! i'm not going to explain much about the plot right now aside from it being a reincarnation fic bc i don't want to get ahead of myself
> 
> this first chapter is more of a prologue. it's pretty short, but i felt it was necessary to have some preamble

It was movie night, and it was Rei's turn to choose the film. She had picked something old and obscure enough that they actually needed to put a DVD in the player — something they hadn't needed to do in a while. Shinji recognized the title as something Rei had enjoyed watching as a child, so he figured it would be relatively juvenile. He wasn't in the mood for something heavy, anyway, so it wouldn't be unbearable to watch a kids' movie for once. Rei sat beside him on the couch and grabbed a pillow to snuggle as they waited for Asuka.

“Okay, I'm ready!” Asuka chirped, flopping on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn, effectively sandwiching Shinji between herself and Rei. She shoved the bowl in Shinji's lap so they could all share. Shinji sighed and resigned himself to holding the plastic bowl for the next hour and a half.

As Rei pressed "play" on the remote, Shinji reflected on how he had ended up here, sitting on a couch with two women who formerly couldn't stand each other. Rei was at least somewhat pleasant to be around, most of the time, but Asuka was a chaotic presence. They balanced each other out, though; Rei was soft and quiet in the ways Asuka was harsh and loud, which helped them to coexist peacefully. Lately, they seemed to get annoyed with Shinji much more frequently than they got annoyed with each other, but it hadn't always been like that. 

When Shinji had first met Asuka in their first year of university, he had harboured conflicting feelings for her. He had been roommates with Kensuke in their dorm, which was a blessing because Shinji doubted he would have made friends otherwise. Where Kensuke went, Toji usually followed, and he would usually bring Hikari and Asuka with him when he came over to visit. Shinji was eager to meet new people, but he was especially eager to make friends of the opposite sex. Before then, his only real experience with girls had come from growing up alongside his sister, so he was interested in learning. Hikari had a clear interest in Toji, so Shinji chose to focus his uncomfortable attempts at flirting on poor Asuka. Thinking back on it, he cringed; he truly had no idea what he was doing back then.

Asuka had been rude and confrontational at first, but she was pretty, so Shinji didn't mind being treated poorly as long as she occasionally tossed him a smile. They dated briefly, but by the time they became roommates with Rei, they had almost completely forgotten about it. It turned out that it wasn't good to base a relationship on confusion and anger; they quickly realized that they were not compatible for anything beyond friendship. Now, three years later, they seemed more akin to a brother and sister than a pair of disjointed lovers. Shinji preferred things like this -- when he got irritated with Asuka, he could just walk away from her without feeling like he was being too mean.

When it came time to find an apartment after first year, Shinji had procrastinated until it was too late, thus having no choice but to beg Asuka to let him live with her and Hikari. But Hikari started dating Toji shortly after, so she moved in with him, leaving an empty room to be ultimately filled by Rei. At the beginning, Asuka hadn't liked Rei because she had perceived her as a threat. A threat to what, exactly, Shinji had never been sure, but it seemed like Asuka felt a need to monopolize his time. Gradually, though, once her brief romance with Shinji had faded, it seemed that Asuka got over her dire need for male attention and stopped seeing other women as competition. She began to appreciate the opportunity for close female friendship and voluntarily spent time with Rei (when Rei allowed it). Shinji started to feel like the odd one out when the three of them were together — however, it was rare for that to happen.

As his older sister — by a few months — Rei had always stayed close to Shinji despite mostly keeping to herself. Although she was much less reclusive than she had been as a child she still preferred solitary hobbies and spent most of her spare time alone in her room. The only reason she had moved in with Shinji and Asuka in the first place was because Gendo and Yui were worried about her well-being and more-than-subtly suggested that she live with her brother. Rei didn't seem to hate it; she seemed to like keeping an eye on Shinji, after all, and she eventually found a friend in Asuka.

“I like this part,” Rei cut in, interrupting Shinji's thoughts. “It's cute.”

Shinji turned his attention to the movie playing on the television — Rei's selection had been a cheesy made-for-TV cartoon film about a man who had a guardian angel in the form of a cat. Rei liked movies with animals in them, no matter the topic, which told Shinji more about her psyche than he would likely ever learn by talking to her. She may have been typically cold and aloof, but there was an immaturity in there, somewhere. There was a part of Rei that liked to have fun. She could stifle her giggles at the kitty's antics all she wanted, but Shinji knew. He _knew_ she had a silly side.

The little white cat on the screen was in the midst of a slapstick routine in which he guided the clueless man through a series of dangerous obstacles. It was cute, and the film was clearly lighthearted in nature, but Shinji found himself paying attention to the cat's movements, somewhat worried for its safety. He tensed when the cat's paw slipped while it was carefully treading across a beam at a construction site.

“No!” Asuka shouted when the cat fell from the beam, plummeting down. Comically, before he hit the ground, the cat remembered he was an angel and sprouted wings to fly back up to safety.

“It's a cartoon,” Rei said, mocking her.

“S-Shut up!” Asuka grumbled. “The music got loud and it startled me.” She crossed her arms over herself and slumped against the couch.

Once the cat was out of the treacherous situation, Shinji's mind wandered once more. His thoughts, as usual, drifted towards his anxieties; the biggest one at the moment was the impending return of the school year. The three of them were about to enter their final year of university. Next week, Shinji and Asuka would be returning to class — Rei would be resuming her online classes, which she always opted for — and they would give up their freedom for the next several months. He knew it wouldn't be so terrible; it was the last time he would ever have to do this. Never again would he dread the onset of school.

Saying it like that almost made it seem like a luxury that he could never again experience; it made Shinji want to dread it more. He really, _really_ let it saturate for a moment — he would have to do all kinds of readings and scramble to complete all kinds of assignments. He would have to make it to his early morning classes, even if the weather was bad. Now that he was a fourth-year student, attendance mattered, so he couldn't just stay in bed if he felt like it. He soaked himself in the despair just in case he missed it after he graduated.

On the screen, the movie was winding down from its climax. The cat had accomplished his goal of protecting the man and had returned to Heaven, but he was sad that he wouldn't see the man again. St. Peter observed the cat's sadness and granted him new life so he could live alongside him. The film concluded with the cat returning to Earth and curling up on the man's lap, closing its eyes and falling asleep. The final frame was so touching that Shinji had to blink away a few tears. There was something about a cartoon kitty that evoked a special kind of empathy; after all his trials, it was a fulfilling ending to see the kitty get his wish.

The movie was over. Soon, they would all go to bed, and the next few days would slip away from them. School would start before Shinji could notice it. Perhaps his final year would be interesting, but it didn't matter either way. He would go along without complaint because he always did, but he felt like he could use his own guardian kitty to guide him. Maybe they just needed a cat in the apartment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji's philosophy class in this chapter is based on a real class i took
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

A few weeks into the new academic year, Shinji was adjusting reasonably well, despite hating most of his classes. He had made the bold choice to major in religious studies; he had thought it would be interesting, and by the time he realized it wasn’t, it was too late. Although he tried his best, Shinji found it difficult to deeply engage with the material the way his professors expected him to. His minor, philosophy, was more interesting to him, but he questioned his choice in that regard, as well. By specializing in those two subjects, he worried that his future career prospects included being a monk and not much else. If it came down to that, Shinji would swear to celibacy and wear a robe if he had to; he had no one to blame for his choices but himself.

The class he was presently walking to wasn't so bad, though; it was a philosophy class about sex and love, which was spicy, and Professor Katsuragi was pretty cute, so his attention rarely drifted. Not a terrible way to spend an hour and a half, he supposed.

He entered the small lecture hall and noticed that almost everyone had shown up to class that day. The room was usually half-empty (or half-full, if he were an optimist) but today, the room was brimming with students. There were still ten minutes until the beginning of class! Why was everyone here so early? Was there a quiz today that he didn't know about?

The closest open seat that didn’t involve shoving past a million people was in the corner, between a silver-haired young man and the wall. He walked towards it before anyone else could take it.

Shinji approached the man, asking, “Is it okay if I sit here?”

The man looked up at him, eyes widening a bit, lips slightly parted. Shinji flinched at the bright red intensity of his gaze. He felt frozen in place as the man stared at him, seemingly entranced.

“Am I dreaming?” He whispered, in awe; it seemed like he was speaking only to himself because Shinji had hardly heard him. He blinked a few times, sobering up enough to respond properly. “Yes, it's fine. Please, sit down.”

He seemed weird, but Shinji didn't have much of a choice; the seats were quickly filling up. He shuffled past him and took the seat. As he dug around in his backpack for his notebook, he could feel his classmate's eyes on the back of his head. He wondered if there was something strange about his appearance that he was unaware of; why else would this guy be so shocked to see him?

”S-So, um, you’re in this class, too?” Shinji asked stupidly, just trying to dispel the awkwardness he was feeling. Of course he was. Why else would he be here?

His classmate nodded, remaining largely unresponsive. Shinji felt like a specimen under a microscope with the way this man was staring at him. Was there something on his face?

“I-I'm Shinji, by the way,” he said, sitting upright again now that he had found his pencil. What harm could come from introducing himself? His mother had always taught him to be friendly with his peers.

“Shinji-kun…” The man repeated with the touch of a smile on his lips. “My name is Kaworu. It is...nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Kaworu-kun,” Shinji replied, adding the same honorific out of politeness, although it felt odd on his tongue.

“I hope it is.”

That was an odd way to respond to a casual greeting, but everything else about him seemed odd, too. He was pale, even paler than Rei, who was almost translucent herself. His white skin and almost-white hair only made his eyes stand out more; red like cherries, or wine, or blood, or a glaring red stop sign. Just like Rei's.

It was bizarre how many similarities he had to Rei. If the three of them were to stand together, anyone would assume that Kaworu and Rei were the two siblings and that Shinji was the outsider. But, unlike the staunchly platonic way he viewed his sister, Shinji thought Kaworu was handsome… In a weird, otherworldly way. He was attractive in such a way that didn’t contradict his odd behaviour. Shinji couldn’t tell if that was a positive quality or not.

Class was starting, so Shinji pressed pause on his thoughts and paid diligent attention to the lecture. The year had just started; he wanted to try to be a good student this time. He was prepared to take notes, but Professor Katsuragi said it wouldn't be necessary to write anything down today. 

“Instead,” she said, “I want us to have a discussion on how we define sex. It seems simple, but when you think about it, it becomes difficult to pinpoint the definitive instant in which we can say that sex has occured. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

Some students argued that sex has occured once there is penetration, but that definition did not work for every situation — in many cases, penetration was undesirable or impossible. Another argument was that sex has occured once each participant has reached orgasm, but again, that was not a universal definition. The professor was right; the more they grappled with the topic, the more vague it became.

In his peripheral vision, Shinji saw Kaworu raise his hand. Stricken with curiosity, Shinji turned his head to see him more clearly.

Professor Katsuragi promptly noticed him. “Yes, Nagisa?”

“I believe that sex has occured once all parties agree that sex has occured. I don't think there is any other clear way to define it.”

Shinji thought that seemed like a cop-out; you can’t define a word with the same word. But he was interested in seeing where Kaworu’s logic would lead.

“You don't believe that there is any way to narrow down that definition?” She asked, crossing her arms as if to challenge him.

Kaworu shook his head. “No. There are too many things that could be considered sex which would otherwise not be covered by the definitions my classmates have proposed.”

Professor Katsuragi hummed. “Okay, I see what you mean. But is there a line that can be drawn? Is there an act that could not be considered sex, even if the participants believed it was?”

“I don't believe there is.”

“Kissing isn't sex!” Another classmate chimed in. “That's a definite boundary.”

“I disagree,” Kaworu argued. “If someone told you that they kissed someone — _only_ kissed them — for a long period of time, perhaps forty minutes or so, and both people were sexually aroused… If they told you that, and then told you that they believed they had had sex with that person, would you tell them they were mistaken?”

Hearing him speak so openly about this topic was making Shinji a little embarrassed. He tried to play it cool, but people kept looking over, which only made him feel more awkward. His palms were starting to sweat. _Stop looking at me,_ he screamed at them in his mind. _There’s nothing to see over here!_

“So, is that the main criteria?” Professor Katsugari prompted. “Sexual arousal?”

“I don't think so. In that situation, yes, but in other situations where the act is more obviously sexual, it may not be necessary for all parties to be aroused.”

In the end, the class did not come to a consensus on the discussion. Despite his embarrassment, Shinji was fascinated that Kaworu had so much to say about the topic. He had agreed with his arguments, mostly, but he had been too timid to raise his hand and contribute to the discussion.

Eloquent as he was, Kaworu's proposed definition of sex seemed a bit too broad, and in the hypothetical situation he had used as an example, Shinji would have told his friend that he was mistaken. Kissing on its own was _not_ sex, no matter how heated it was. Shinji would have suggested that the most important criteria for sex was genital stimulation, but there was no way that he could have raised his hands and said those words in a room full of his peers. Not a chance.

Everyone began packing up as Professor Katsugari reminded them of the quiz next week. So _that's_ why everyone had shown up; they didn't want to miss anything important before the quiz. Well, they wouldn't have missed much, aside from a passionate but ultimately fruitless debate.

“I apologize if I embarrassed you by drawing attention towards our side of the room,” Kaworu said, drawing Shinji's eyes towards him. “Sometimes it can feel like people are staring. They tend to turn around and look at whoever's speaking.”

How had Kaworu known that Shinji was feeling uncomfortable? Was it really so obvious?

“It’s okay,” Shinji assured. “I was interested in what you were saying, anyway. I wish I had the nerve to put my hand up like that. I get so nervous when I have to talk in front of a group.”

“It's not like I have any kind of special skill,” Kaworu dismissed. “My major is philosophy, so I am fairly used to speaking in class. Most of my classes are purely discussion-based.”

“Really? My minor is philosophy; I'm surprised I haven't seen you in class before.” Shinji would have known if he had seen him before; there’s no way he wouldn’t remember him. His appearance alone was so distinct that he would be difficult to forget.

Now that he had that information, though, it made sense that Kaworu was a philosophy major. He seemed...spacey. Like his mind was a vast expanse of scattered thoughts.

“I just transferred this year,” he explained. “I assume that’s why you’ve...never seen me before.”

“Oh, really? It must have been hard to switch schools so late. You're in fourth year, right?”

“Yes. It wasn’t too bad, though; the worst part was convincing my parents to let me do it. I didn't have many friends at my old school.” He paused. “Speaking of which… Would you mind exchanging phone numbers with me? I don't really know anyone at this school, either, yet.”

Although Kaworu was...unique, Shinji wasn’t deterred by his eccentric qualities. He would never turn down someone's attempt at being friends with him. Maybe, this time, he would have a real friendship; maybe Kaworu wouldn't yell at him, or ignore him, or make “jokes” about his bisexuality. Wouldn't that be a dream, to be unconditionally liked by someone? To have a friend who would stick by him? To have someone who wouldn't make him doubt himself? For once in his life, he just wanted someone who _wanted_ to be his friend; someone who would pick him first, rather than leaving him as an afterthought.

This was a lot of pressure to put on a barely-budding acquaintanceship. Shinji decided he ought to just give Kaworu his number without building it up any more than he had already done. But the hopeful questions had already burrowed their way in his expectations; it was too late. He knew it was hopeless. Another one-sided friendship doomed to die a tragic death at the hands of Shinji's wide-eyed naivety. He was jaded in every other way; why couldn't he have that outlook on everything? Why was his stupid, romanticizing heart going berserk after one conversation? It wasn't fair.

He was starved for it. He knew that was why.

“Sure,” Shinji relented, handing his phone over for Kaworu to enter his number.

“Do you have another class after this?” Kaworu asked as he returned Shinji's phone.

“No, I'm free. I was just gonna head home, but I don't have anything urgent to do.” He paused, sensing there was more to this. “Why?”

Kaworu smiled. “Would you like to go for a walk with me?”

He wanted to spend more of his time with Shinji? Time that he could have chosen to spend on literally anything else?

“S-Sure, if you really want to, I mean...”

"Of course I do,” Kaworu assured with a sincerity that made Shinji’s heart flutter. 

Once they finally left the nearly-empty lecture hall, Kaworu led him to a small park situated in the middle of campus. It was mid-afternoon, so there were quite a few students flooding the paths. It gave Shinji a rush to be seen walking with someone; he felt like a real student with a real friend... He definitely needed to get out more.

“So, you said you transferred?” Shinji asked, wanting to know more about the enigma walking beside him. “What's that like?”

“Lonely,” Kaworu admitted. “I live by myself.”

Shinji sighed in envy. “That sounds kind of nice to me, honestly. I live with my friend, Asuka, and my sister, Rei. It can get kind of hectic sometimes.”

“I see.” Kaworu was silent for a moment. “Rei is your sister?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, I just thought I had misheard you. What is your friend like? Asuka?”

“She's, uh, nice, I guess. She's kind of mean, but she’s usually just joking about it.” Shinji swallowed, feeling nervous to be sharing so much about his life. “I dated her for, like, a month in first year, but it didn't work out at all. And we didn't really do anything beyond kissing, so it isn't like it’s weird for us to be friends now, or anything.”

“I see,” Kaworu repeated. “Why did it not work out?”

“I don't know.” Shinji worried he was oversharing, but he continued. “I thought she was pretty, and I hadn't really had a chance to be around girls before, so I was eager to see what it was like to date one. But it felt hollow. I never felt excited to see her. She's great as my friend, now, but I knew from the beginning that we were going to break up.”

“I'm glad you sorted out your feelings. First relationships can be complicated.”

“You sound like you're speaking from experience.”

Kaworu chuckled. “I suppose you could say that I am.”

Shinji wanted to shift the focus off himself. “So, where did you transfer from?” He asked, hoping to get more information out of him.

“Germany.”

“Woah, really? That's so cool! You, uh, don't have an accent, though,” Shinji added, sheepish, hoping he wasn't being impolite.

“I know. When I moved there, I was already too old to develop an accent. I know the language, though.”

“That's so cool,” Shinji repeated. “So your family still lives in Germany? What are they like?”

“My family is just myself and my parents. They're perfectly fine, although they were the kind of parents who put pressure on me to take on as much as I could. Most of my childhood was spent studying and playing instruments.” He paused, chuckling. “I'm not sure that their efforts paid off, but at least I'm really good at playing piano, now.”

“Oh, stop it. You seemed really smart in class today.”

“Thank you, Shinji-kun. It means a lot, coming from you.”

Shinji felt that Kaworu was teasing him. He frowned, looking off to the side.

“I mean it,” he muttered. “Anyway, I should get to the bus stop soon. My sister is probably worried about where I am.”

“I'll walk you there.”

Shinji told him that it wasn't necessary, but Kaworu refused to listen to his protests. He explained that he had to walk in that direction anyway, so he may as well walk with him, even if it was a slight detour. Shinji was elated that Kaworu wanted to prolong the time they spent together.

“You asked me about my parents, Shinji-kun, but you haven't told me about yours,” Kaworu said, prompting Shinji to divulge. “What are they like? What kinds of jobs do they have?”

“Um, they're just normal, I guess. My mom is a teacher. My dad is an accountant.”

Kaworu was quiet for a second. “Your father...is an accountant?”

“Yeah. He's just, like, a dorky old dude. Loves his grill. Wears ugly Hawaiian shirts on the weekends. You know, dad stuff.”

“That is so interesting,” Kaworu said, sounding like he meant it.

“It really isn't,” Shinji asserted. “My mom is like that, too. Nothing too interesting.”

“I'm glad to hear that your parents are normal.”

“Yeah, I guess it's better than having strict parents, like you had.” Shinji paused, feeling like he had said something rude. He added, “Although you're definitely a lot more advanced than me.”

Kaworu scoffed like the idea was preposterous. “I don't think that's true at all.”

“And you're so humble, too,” Shinji said with a chuckle.

Talking to Kaworu was refreshing; it had been a long time since Shinji had taken the time to have a long conversation with someone. Asuka wasn't the most reliable conversationalist, especially when he needed a non-judgemental listener. It wasn't like he could vent about Asuka to Asuka, either. Rei wasn't that much better in that regard; she was not typically open to dialogue. The only reason Shinji knew her so well was because he had known her his entire life. There was no way he would understand her at all if he had known her for even one day fewer.

Kaworu waited at the bus stop with Shinji until his bus arrived. Shinji assured him that he would be fine, but Kaworu insisted. The sun was setting, so Kaworu was worried that something would happen to Shinji if he left him unattended. His doting made Shinji feel like a child, but it did feel nice to have someone worry about his well-being. It had been a few months since Shinji had last seen his parents, and he was missing that kind of benevolence. 

“Thank you for spending time with me,” Kaworu said as the bus approached. “I hope we see each other again.”

“We'll see each other in class next week,” Shinji responded, confused by Kaworu's sincerity. They would see each other again in a few days; why would he doubt that?

He spent the whole bus ride thinking about it. The way Kaworu had spoken to him... it was as if he wasn’t counting on seeing him a second time. As if he had wanted to take the opportunity to spend time with Shinji while he still could. Was he terminally ill, or something? Is that why he was so pale? He didn’t look sickly, though.

Shinji arrived home, eventually, to Asuka scolding him. Apparently, he had made Rei worry about his safety. If that were true, Shinji wouldn't have known it, because Rei wouldn't leave her room. He considered knocking on her bedroom door and telling her that he was home, but Asuka advised him against it; she told him that Rei was playing a video game and she would be irritated if Shinji broke her concentration.

Whether he had worried Rei or not, Shinji didn't regret his decision to stay on campus a little later than usual. He wouldn't have many more opportunities to do things like this once he graduated, so he was happy to take advantage of the chance to make a new friend. He was glad to have had the opportunity to spend time with Kaworu.

That night, Shinji dreamt about killing him. 

He was a hundred feet tall, no, more than that, he was huge, enormous, he was holding Kaworu in his huge hand, Kaworu was so small, he was so young. He was so fragile, so open, so eager for what was to come, begging Shinji to do it. Just do it! The control is right there! Just do it. Just do it! What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? Just do it, pull the control, do it, kill him. Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him?

It felt like an hour, sitting there, staring at him, knowing what he had to do but unable to do it — unwilling to do it. His mind screamed at him, there was no way out, no other way, nothing else he could do, no choice, no control, nobody to reason with, no other option than to kill the boy he loved, the only person who loved him, the only person alive who wanted him. He felt betrayed by everyone; by his father, by Misato, by himself, by Kaworu, by Asuka for leaving and putting him in this situation in the first place. He would trade places with any one of them if he could. He would rather be anyone but himself.

Finally, with a rush of adrenaline, Shinji pulled the control, hearing a sharp, wet crunch as the large hand tightened its grip. He watched in horror as Kaworu's head fell away from the mangled remains of his body. He was pulp in his hand. Shinji killed him. He killed him. He was the only one responsible.

Shinji woke up in a cold sweat, screaming, clutching his pillow. Footsteps pounded down the hall and his bedroom door opened — it was Rei.

“Are you alright?” She asked, cautiously stepping in from the doorway.

“Y-Yeah,” Shinji answered through his heaving breaths. He was still trembling.

“Did you have a bad dream?” Rei asked, clasping her hands in front of herself.

“Yeah. It was terrifying.” The details were quickly slipping away from him, but he remembered how horrified he had felt to be there.

Rei took another step forward. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Shinji tried to recall as much as he could. “I was huge, I think, and I was holding someone in my hand.” He swallowed against the thick feeling in his throat. “I had to kill him.” He decided not to mention that the boy had looked just like Kaworu; he didn't want Rei to think that he had thoughts about harming someone he knew. “He was so small, and helpless, and I just...crushed him.”

Rei stood in place, not speaking, with a strange expression on her face — one that Shinji hadn’t seen on her before. Then, she turned around, wished him a pleasant sleep, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really enjoying writing this fic!! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji sees his parents and has another spooky dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry for taking like 3 weeks to post this, it took me a long time to write for some reason? but the next few chapters should be easier to write
> 
> also i have taken so many creative liberties here, this fic is supposed to be taking place in-universe but like...the world has been reset or something and things are normal and the general public has no record of anything. and it's like a while in the future. i guess.
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoy reading!! :)
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Rei was frantically vacuuming the carpets as Shinji did the dishes which, grossly enough, had been piling up for three days. Gendo and Yui were coming to visit in the afternoon, so their children worked as hard as they could to eliminate any evidence of the filth they had so quickly accumulated. Their parents had never been strict about them doing their chores, but they didn't want to disappoint them by living in squalor. Shinji wanted his mother to see that she hadn't made a mistake in raising him; he could handle basic household upkeep! With two pairs of hands, they could get through it quickly — but it was limited to the two of them. Asuka sat on the couch with her feet up, content to watch Rei and Shinji scramble like a couple of farm-fresh eggs.

“I'm not cleaning anything,” she declared. “At least you guys get to see your parents. I haven't seen mine in a long time.”

Shinji was irritated at her smug demeanor, and he was already stressed about his parents visiting, so he couldn't restrain himself from teasing Asuka a bit. He couldn't swallow his annoyance forever.

“You see your mom all the time,” Shinji yelled from the kitchen. “You have that weird doll of her in your room.”

“It's not weird!” Asuka grumbled. “At least my mom wants to feel connected to me from far away!”

“At least mine is coming to see me,” Shinji said, sticking his tongue out. It was fun, sometimes, to throw Asuka's attitude back at her — although Shinji had been the one to start it this time.

“Idiot!” Asuka shouted, getting up from the couch so she could whip a pillow at him. It collided with impressive force; she must have been aiming to kill.

Shinji had deserved his punishment. He knew that Asuka and her mother each had cute little stuffed dolls meant to represent the other, which was a piece of knowledge he sometimes used against her in times like these. She had explained to him, in a rare moment of genuine vulnerability, that she and her mother had made the dolls together as a craft project when she was a child.

It was kind of sweet, he had to admit; her mother was so busy with work that she didn't have much of a chance to visit, so it was nice that they each had a token of their relationship. Shinji had caught her sleeping with it before, so he knew it meant a lot to her. He really did feel sympathy for her; it had been a few months since she had last seen her parents, which was surely hard on her. That didn’t make it any less fun to tease her about it, though.

With the dishes drying on the rack by the sink, Shinji did a lap around the living room, picking up scattered objects as he went. It was mostly random bits of paper and books that Rei had left half-finished. He collected as much as his arms could hold and dumped it in his bedroom. They could sort through it and put things in their proper spots later; now was the time for action.

“If we're doing all the housework, then you have to do most of the cooking,” Rei said as she vacuumed under Asuka's outstretched legs.

Asuka scoffed. “Fine. That stuff's easy.”

“I'll make something for myself, though, because I know you'll want to make something with meat.”

Rei was a vegetarian, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it, so Shinji forgot sometimes. It was usually her own responsibility to cook for herself, because Asuka didn’t cook very often, and Shinji's go-to meals were either chicken-flavoured ramen from the dollar store or Hamburg steak. Poor Rei.

“Don't worry about that,” Asuka muttered. “I can make something separate for you. I’m not a total moron; I know how to cook tofu.”

Asuka had never extended that level of kindness to Shinji — not even when they had dated. Rei's gentle demeanor had apparently made Asuka develop a soft spot for her; she had not only agreed to cook without complaint, but had also _offered_ to do extra work for Rei. Shinji had been the one to introduce them, and now they seemed closer to each other than they were to him. That was usually what happened. Even if he had been friends with someone first, he always ended up becoming their second choice. Rude.

Eventually, Asuka rose from the couch and got to work, declaring that she needed the entire kitchen space to herself. Shinji tried to stay out of her way as much as possible; he could feel the intensity emanating from the room and he feared what would happen if he broke Asuka’s concentration. Her pillow shotput from earlier would feel like a kiss from an angel compared to whatever wrath he would incur from her.

It had only been a few minutes, but the kitchen already looked like a warzone. To ensure that he avoided coming into contact with Asuka in her manic hyper-focused state, Shinji put all his focus on ensuring the apartment was as spotless as he could make it. Dust bunnies, loose pocket lint, and bobby pins were all disposed of at a rapid pace. A knock sounded at the door just as he had picked up the last stray sock from the carpet in the hallway.

“Welcome,” he heard Rei say from the front door.

“Wow, it’s so clean in here!” Yui said in awe as her head swivelled to take it all in.

“You kids must have been cleaning all day,” Gendo said with a chuckle. “The place looks great!”

Shinji approached the doorway to greet his parents. He was about to utter a normal “hello” when Gendo pulled him in for a tight hug, squeezing the air out of his poor lungs. His father could be thickheaded at times, but he was always well-intentioned. Shinji knew better than to struggle in one of his bear hugs.

“It’s good to see you, son,” he said once he had released Shinji from his iron grip.

“You too,” Shinji said, voice weak.

His mother gave him a much more reasonable hug after he had caught his breath. Rei wasn't one to hug, and Asuka wasn't their child, so the hugs thankfully stopped there.

The table was already set thanks to Asuka and Rei's diligent teamwork — Asuka had apparently only needed Shinji to vacate the kitchen. Yet again, her preference for Rei was showing.

Despite that, Shinji couldn’t complain. With the amount of work they had managed to accomplish as a team, they almost seemed like a cohesive unit of functional adults! All of the plates on the table matched! Everyone had a clean fork! None of the cups had been stolen from a restaurant! Shinji was proud of the façade of maturity they were somehow projecting.

Shinji sat down next to Asuka with the intention of letting his parents sit at either end of the table, but Yui and Gendo chose to sit together, leaving Rei to sit at the head like a true matriarch. He should have predicted that his parents would have preferred to sit together rather than across from each other. They were so enamoured with each other that Shinji was simultaneously disgusted and happy to see it. 

“So, how has work been?” Shinji asked his parents as everyone filled their plates. It was an easy question; nothing ever seemed to change much in their lives. 

“Oh, work is fine,” Yui said. “We’re far enough into the school year that the kids are starting to settle into their routine, which is nice. I haven’t seen any big problems so far.”

“Only because you’re such a great teacher,” Gendo gushed. “You do enough good for the both of us.”

“I think your work is noble, too,” Yui asserted. “It's respectable.”

“No, honey. You're the real star. I just put numbers in a spreadsheet; you're influencing the next generation!”

“I think your job is important,” Yui insisted, placing her hand on Gendo's arm. “Not everyone can do what you do. It takes patience.”

Gendo smiled. “Thank you, dear.”

Ugh. Did they have to do this at the table? Shinji had to look away; they were gazing so affectionately at each other. He was glad his parents loved each other, but it was still gross to watch! They were acting like they were the only two people in the room. Instead of watching them any longer, he focused his attention on eating. Asuka had cooked all by herself, and she had done a pretty good job of it.

“This chicken is delicious!” Yui complimented. “Who should I be thanking?”

“It was all me,” Asuka said, beaming. “Thank you!”

“It's a shame Rei can't have some,” Gendo lamented. “You're still not eating meat?”

“No. It's been ten years,” Rei reminded him, sounding somewhat irritated. “Besides, the tofu Asuka cooked for me is perfectly fine. As is the salad.”

Gendo shrugged. “Well, you never know with kids these days. Everyone's doing some new, crazy thing that I'll never understand.”

“That's your fault for being so out of touch,” Yui chided, patting his arm. 

Gendo laughed, shaking his head. “You've got me there.”

Gendo truly was an out-of-touch boomer, but there was an essence of wholesomeness in his demeanor. He never intended to be mocking when he misunderstood his children. It surely annoyed Rei to be lightly grilled about her eating habits every few months, especially when the answer never changed, but Gendo didn't seem to catch on. Rei couldn't stay angry, though; she loved her father deeply, even if she didn't necessarily show it.

“How has school been?” asked the three students, taking the attention off of Rei and her vegetarianism.

“Me and Rei are doing fine,” Asuka answered. “But Shinji's been slacking off! And he doesn't have any friends, either, so I don't know what he spends his time doing.”

In truth, Shinji was glad that Asuka felt comfortable enough around his parents to be her usual derogatory self. That didn’t mean he had to take it, though.

“I am not slacking off!” Shinji snapped, coming to his own defense. “I'll have you know that I've been keeping up with my studies, and I've even made a new friend recently.”

“Yeah, right. Who would wanna be your friend?” Asuka said snidely before sticking her tongue out.

Shinji grumbled in frustration. “His name is Kaworu-kun, and I always hang out with him after class. That's twice a week! I think that counts as a friend.”

Rei dropped her fork with a sharp clang. A piece of lettuce flopped with the impact, and a drop of Greek dressing splattered on the table.

“Um. I apologize.” She said, toneless. “My hand slipped.”

“Kaworu-kun?” Yui repeated. “He sounds nice. Is he in theology, too?”

“No, he's a philosophy student. But he just transferred this year, so he doesn't really know anybody yet.”

Rei's gaze was still transfixed on the little speck of oil and feta on the table in front of her. Shinji idly wondered why she was acting so distant, but he just assumed she was tired from all the running around earlier. He could have asked her if she was okay, but he was kind of excited to have a chance to tell someone about his new friend. Nobody had asked him about his life recently, so he hadn’t been given an opportunity to talk about Kaworu like this.

“He's really smart, too. I've never met somebody who can talk the way he does,” Shinji gushed, unable to stop himself. “He knows so much about so many different things.”

“Sounds like you have a crush on him,” Asuka teased.

“What? I-I do not!” Shinji squawked. His argument was futile, however; he could feel himself start to blush.

“Ha, ha,” Asuka chimed. “Shinji has a cru~ush!”

Shinji frowned. “Shut up!”

“That's rude, Shinji,” Yui chided. “Don't tell people to shut up. It's okay that you have a crush on him.”

“I don't! You guys are so mean,” Shinji said with a pout.

“He sounds like a nice young man,” Gendo piled on.

Shinji buried his face in his hands as he endured the relentless attack, silently willing it to stop. If they said it out loud, then they would make it real! He didn’t want to acknowledge whatever inklings of attraction he felt towards Kaworu.

“If he says he doesn't like him, then he doesn't like him,” Rei snapped, cutting everyone off. “Don't put ideas in his head that he might have otherwise been unaware of.”

Everyone fell silent. It was unusual for Rei to speak so harshly; nobody knew what to say in response. Shinji didn't blame his parents for not scolding her. If anything, it felt like _they_ had been the misbehaving children.

“...Oh, did I tell you guys about my new barbecue?” Gendo said after a pause, changing the subject. “It's refurbished, so I got a great deal!”

Shinji tuned his father out as he began to describe his new grill. Now that he had gotten started, his mind was too occupied with Kaworu to focus on the conversation. He revisited the memories he had catalogued of the time they had spent together in the past few weeks; all the times Kaworu seemed eager to see him, all the times Shinji felt his own footsteps quicken as he approached the lecture hall. He remembered the times he had made Kaworu laugh, and how surprised he had been at how cute it was.

But Kaworu was his friend, and Shinji didn’t have many friends, so he didn’t want to unnecessarily complicate their friendship. He shouldn't be calling his new friend “cute” if he wanted things to remain platonic. Kaworu was intelligent and charming, and he seemed to honestly value Shinji's thoughts and opinions, which made it difficult for Shinji to resist getting attached — but he had to resist. It wasn’t right for him to fall head over heels for someone just because they’re new and exciting.

Still, as much as he wanted to tell himself that, he knew that something had sparked in his chest when those red eyes first looked into his own. There was a comfort he felt when he was with him that was unlike anything else he had experienced. He didn’t want to ignore that feeling.

A few hours after their mostly-uneventful dinner, Gendo and Yui left, citing work the following morning as their reason for such a prompt departure. Shinji was so exhausted from the frantic housework that he wasn't particularly disappointed to see them leave.

Rei retired to her bedroom once they were gone, and Asuka was already half-asleep in front of the television, so Shinji went to bed early. As he fell asleep, Shinji hoped Kaworu would appear in his dreams again — in a positive way this time. 

Instead, Shinji dreamt of his hands around Asuka's neck. She didn’t struggle as he clasped his fingers around her neck, obscuring her pale flesh, and squeezed. She hung there limply, her limbs swaying, the fabric of her clothes jostling, her yellow shirt, the colour of bile, of bloated, decomposing flesh.

She would never love him. Nobody would ever love him. Kneeling over her, now, he further tightened his hands around her neck, pressing down with all his meagre body weight. Her blank stare looking up at him. Her pulse thudding under his hands. The skin of her neck creasing with the force. Why was he doing this? He wasn’t trying to kill her, was he?

“Disgusting,” Asuka said, but Shinji didn’t know what she meant. Was he disgusting? 

His eyes flitted open. It was morning. He stared at the ceiling for a long while, frozen, unable to get out of bed. Unlike the horror he felt after his dream about Kaworu, Shinji felt numb.

Shinji was not a violent person. He had never even thrown a punch. And he certainly didn't hate Asuka; as irritating as she could be, he had never wanted to hurt her. She was hot-headed and loud, but that was her personality, and he didn't want that to change. He didn't believe that his dream had been a reflection of his subconscious desires — but he couldn’t ignore the fact that he had already experienced similar dreams. First had been the dream about killing Kaworu, and now, this dream about strangling Asuka. Where was this idea of violence coming from? He wondered if he was destined to become criminally insane, and that his odd dreams were an indication of his impending decline.

He couldn't stop thinking about his apparent suppressed violent urges for several days. When he was around Asuka, he gauged his anger levels, but never found himself close to enacting violence. The most he had done was throw a balled-up piece of paper at her head to get her attention, and that hardly counted as violent.

Every so often, though, he would catch himself staring at her throat. His fingers would itch as if they wanted to do something. He felt the desire to enact control over someone who was slipping through his fingers. Surely, the feeling was due to muscle memory from his dream, and not a genuine desire to hurt her. He didn’t like it, though. He didn’t like having a weak grasp on his own thoughts.

However, Asuka was not the only person he was worried about secretly wanting to murder. When he was around Kaworu, he tried to think about why he might want to crush him in his giant hand. He glanced at his neck from time to time, trying to evoke the same faint desire to strangle him as he occasionally felt towards Asuka, but the feeling never came.

It made logical sense, really. In his dream with Asuka, he had done it on purpose, out of his own volition. With Kaworu, though, it had felt like he had no choice; he had to kill him. Perhaps his feelings of aggravation towards Asuka were the root of his dream self’s actions, but he had never even felt annoyed with Kaworu. So what was it, then? What was the reason?

Now, sitting across from Kaworu at a table in the library, Shinji tried to be stealthy as he watched him out of the corner of his eye. He tried desperately to connect the events of the dream to the way he felt about him in reality. It didn't make any sense; he didn't want to crush Kaworu to a pulp.

“Is everything okay, Shinji-kun?” Kaworu asked, noticing Shinj's strange behaviour.

Kaworu had promised to help Shinji review for their upcoming quiz, but Shinji was too distracted by his internal dilemma to focus. The more he thought about it, though, the more relieved he felt that he would never actually have to make the choice he had made in his dream. He could put it out of his mind because it wasn't real; he knew it wasn't real. Dreams rarely made sense, so why bother analyzing this one?

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Shinji said, which was mostly true. “I just… Okay, this isn't going to make any sense, but I'm happy that I don't have to crush you in my giant mech hand.”

Kaworu blinked. “Shinji-kun…?”

Shinji laughed. “I know it sounds weird. I had a dream where I had to do that, and it's been bothering me for a while. You were so small and helpless, but for some reason, I had to…kill you. It was awful. It felt so real.”

“That sounds...terrible,” Kaworu said with a sympathetic look in his eyes. “I'm sorry my dream self made you do that.”

“I don't remember if you _made_ me do it,” Shinji clarified. “It just felt like I didn't have a choice. Like if I hadn’t done it, then something terrible would have happened.”

Kaworu gently placed his hand over Shinji's on the table. “I'm sorry you had to experience that. But you're right; you'll never need to do that now. It was only a dream.”

“Y-Yeah,” Shinji stammered, acutely aware of the heat of Kaworu's hand on his own. “It was only a dream. I know that. It was disturbing, but I know it wasn’t real.”

“Please cast those thoughts from your mind. You can trust that I would never do anything to cause you pain,” Kaworu murmured so quietly that it was nearly a whisper. “I will never force you to do something horrible like that. I only want to bring you happiness.”

Those words were almost too much for Shinji to handle. He had never felt this close to another person before, and Kaworu was only making him grow more attached. Nobody, aside from his mother, had ever spoken so kindly to him; no one had ever promised him something so grandiose.

“I know we haven’t known each other for very long,” Kaworu said, looking down at the table before meeting Shinji’s eyes again. “But you have already become someone precious to me. I don’t want to see you face any struggles that we can’t find the answer to.”

He would never understand why Kaworu seemed to like him so much. Shinji was just Shinji; his appearance and personality could not have been any more bland, so what was the allure? What could Kaworu have to gain from spending his time with someone like Shinji? It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t help but feel wary; he wondered if Kaworu was just amusing himself by toying with his feelings.

Then, Kaworu softly squeezed Shinji’s hand, bringing his attention back to the present. He focused his gaze on Kaworu’s eyes, searching, studying his expression. He didn’t see any reason to distrust him. Even if it was foolish, Shinji wanted to believe that Kaworu simply liked him, and that there was nothing sinister about it. Perhaps it was a mistake to give in, but Shinji didn't want to fight his feelings any longer. 

“I-If that’s what you want, then... I want that, too,” Shinji whispered in response, turning his hand over so he could lace their fingers together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really really like the idea of gendo buying a refurbished grill and being proud of it lol


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji hangs out with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gang’s all here!!
> 
> this chapter got kinda out of hand in terms of length. but i couldn't trim it down any more than this. it's quite a lot longer than the other chapters and tbh not that much happens but hey. what can you do.
> 
> please enjoy!!
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

The weather was getting chillier, which meant that Thanksgiving was approaching. More importantly, though, it meant that students were blessed with a few days off from school. Shinji was looking forward to the short break, although he knew it would zoom past him before he had a chance to seize it. At least he would get the opportunity to wake up without setting an alarm.

Shinji sat in his last class before the break, thrumming with excitement. Four whole days off from school! He couldn't wait! Of course, Professor Katsuragi had given them a surprise quiz, but it didn't bring Shinji down. Nothing could bring Shinji down when he knew he had an excuse to do nothing for several days!

“What are your plans for the break, Kaworu-kun?” Shinji asked as he packed his class materials away in his backpack. “Are you going home?”

Shinji felt that he had just asked a stupid question; of course Kaworu wasn't planning on going home to Germany. It would be too big of an undertaking for very little payoff.

“No, the break is too short to rationalize it,” Kaworu said, as Shinji had suspected. “I'm planning on using the time to catch up on schoolwork.”

“I don't think you need to catch up on anything,” Shinji scoffed. “You're just gonna sit in your apartment by yourself the whole time?”

“Yes, that's what I was planning on doing,” he admitted.

Shinji frowned. “You can't do that.”

“I don't have any alternatives,” Kaworu said with a shrug.

“Well, um, if you're okay with it…” Shinji took a calming breath and continued. “A few of our friends are gonna be coming over on Thanksgiving, so if you want, you can come, too. It's not gonna be like a real Thanksgiving or anything… We'll probably just get pizza. But you can come if you want. I don't know. It might be fun.”

Shinji knew he was rambling; he didn't usually go this far out of his comfort zone, and it was difficult to stop himself from filling the silence with empty words. He worried that if he let the offer hang in the air and didn't follow it up with anything, he would risk facing an awkward silence. He preferred an awkward barrage of noise.

“I would love nothing more than to spend the day with you,” Kaworu assured.

“O-Okay,” Shinji stammered. Why was Kaworu always so intense? Couldn't he just agree like a normal person?

The first few days of the break were stress-free, but as the day of reckoning approached, Shinji started to feel his anxiety level reach its usual high. It was all fine and well to invite his new friend to meet his old ones, but as the reality sunk in, Shinji became afraid of what might happen. What if his friends didn’t like Kaworu? What if they thought he was weird? What if Kaworu thought Shinji’s friends were stupid, and started to think less of Shinji because of them? It was insulting to everyone involved for Shinji to have these worries, but he still thought they were valid. Kaworu _was_ weird, and Shinji’s friends _were_ stupid. Or, at least, they were dumber than Kaworu.

On the day of the gathering, Shinji was too anxious to do any preliminary cleaning. He shut himself in his room and paced for so long that he checked the carpet afterward to see if he had worn a footpath into it. There was something so vulnerable about inviting people into one’s home to congregate. Shinji was giving everyone a window through which they could evaluate the way he lived. He hoped they didn’t find it disappointing.

After what felt like hours, a knock on the door reverberated through the apartment. Shinji inhaled deeply, steeling his fried nerves, and left the shelter of his bedroom to answer it. He wasn’t sure whether or not he hoped it was Kaworu who had arrived.

Shinji got his answer when he opened the door and saw Kaworu standing there; the tingly feeling in his gut when Kaworu smiled at him was a positive indicator. Oh, how sweet; Kaworu had brought a bottle of wine with him. Shinji wasn’t much of a wine drinker, but Rei would enjoy it, at the very least. Maybe Kaworu would make a good impression on her that way.

“Good afternoon, Shinji-kun. I know I'm a bit early.”

“That's okay!”

He saw Rei walk past, so he tried to call her over and introduce her to Kaworu. She was sure to like him — he was reserved, and bookish, and slightly unnatural when it came to interpersonal interactions, just like her!

“Hey, Rei! This is my friend, Kaworu-kun!”

Rei approached, took the bottle from Kaworu's hands, and walked away. She hadn’t even looked him in the face.

“I'll put this in the fridge for you,” she said more coldly than usual.

That was strange; Rei was always cordial, at the very least. Shinji looked at Kaworu apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that was about...”

“It's okay, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu whispered so Rei would not overhear. “I understand that some people may find me off-putting.”

“But you didn't even say anything…”

“Perhaps it's my appearance. It's odd for a young man to have grey hair.”

“Rei’s hair is _blue!_ ”

“Then, maybe it’s...my eyes? Some people find them creepy,” Kaworu offered as an answer to Shinji’s woes.

Shinji frowned. “I _really_ don’t think that’s it.”

Kaworu sighed in exasperation. “Then there must be another reason. Regardless, it doesn't matter. We don't need to know the reasons why she acted the way that she did. If we try to make sense of other people's actions, we'll drive ourselves insane.”

That was good advice, but Shinji didn’t want to listen to it. He pretended to let it go and told Kaworu to sit on the couch, explaining that he would return in a moment. He wanted to look for Rei and ask her why she had been so rude. It was so unlike her to not even bother to greet someone, especially if it was someone she was meeting for the first time! However, he couldn't find her anywhere. It was as if she were hiding from him.

Eventually, he gave up and started to return to the living room, where he was then faced with a serious dilemma — Kaworu had sat on one end of the couch, and now it was up to Shinji to decide how close they were going to sit. They weren't dating, by any means, but they weren't... _not_ dating, were they? It was only a few weeks ago that Kaworu had held Shinji’s hand and vowed to protect him from harm. It didn't feel right to put a foot of space between them.

There was a knock at the front door, and Asuka came sprinting out of her room to answer it. Shinji used the distraction to his advantage and sat down during the commotion. It really wasn't necessary to overthink this.

Asuka announced that Kensuke, Toji and Hikari had all arrived together. Upon hearing this, Rei came out of her hiding place, and everyone convened in the living room. Shinji's fretting had been for naught; he had to scoot over on the couch, anyway, to make room for someone to sit beside him. Now, his leg was pressing against Kaworu's from knee to hip. He expected Kaworu to nudge him away, but he didn’t, so Shinji didn’t, either. They just...stayed like that. Touching.

“We all know each other, obviously,” Asuka said once she sat down in her favourite chair, “But Shinji brought someone new!”

“I can introduce him,” Shinji grumbled to Asuka before turning his attention to the room. “Everyone, this is my friend Kaworu-kun. He goes to our school, but he’s a transfer student, so you probably haven't seen him before.”

“Hello,” Kaworu said with a little hand-wave. “Thank you all for including me.”

“This is Kensuke,” Shinji said with a gesture towards the young man in question, “And this is Toji, and Hikari. They're a couple.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you all.”

“You, too,” Hikari said. 

Kensuke also gave a small verbal agreement, but Toji was silent. He was sitting forward in his seat, peering over at Kaworu.

“Is something the matter?” Kaworu asked, sounding amused at Toji's behaviour.

Toji frowned. “You look like Rei,” he said, pointing over at the reserved young woman curled up on the recliner across the room.

“How so?”

“You both got red eyes,” Toji explained. “That's not normal.”

Kaworu laughed. "I suppose you have a point."

“We don't look alike,” Rei said without looking up from her phone. “We're not the same.”

“I'm not saying you're the same,” Toji said in defense.

“Regardless. We’re not.” Rei glared straight at Kaworu, who didn't flinch.

Kaworu stared back at Rei for a moment. “I think he's right. I _do_ notice some similarities between the two of us.”

Rei frowned. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

Kaworu cocked his head to the side. “Don’t you?” 

“Be quiet.”

Shinji laughed awkwardly, clapping his hands to cut the tension. “Who wants a drink? I do!” He stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen.

“I'll help!” Asuka chirped as she hopped up out of her seat, just as desperate as Shinji to leave the room.

While Shinji scoured the kitchen for the hoard of disposable cups, Asuka hovered close beside him, eager to gossip.

“That was so weird, right?” She asked in a whisper.

“Yeah, it was,” Shinji said noncommittally, mostly focused on his task. He could hear some chatter from the other room; it sounded like Hikari making pleasant conversation with Kaworu. That was something, at least.

“I really thought Rei was going to lunge at him,” Asuka continued. “What's her beef? Does she know him?”

Shinji hummed. “I don't think so. But she's always been really protective of me, so maybe she's just...wary of him?”

“I don't know,” Asuka mumbled. “Maybe. It still seems weird, though.”

“Yeah, she was rude to him as soon as he got here,” Shinji explained. “He didn’t seem to know why, either.”

“There _has_ to be something they’re not telling us.”

“Maybe,” Shinji said, although he knew she was right. “I’ll ask him again later.”

Shinji finally located the bag of cups. Asuka snatched them from him to fill them with the “punch” (a loose usage of the word) she had made with two parts cranberry juice and one part vodka. Shinji knew Rei didn't like mixed drinks, so he poured her some of the wine Kaworu had brought with him instead. Should he have given Kaworu wine, too? He had brought it, after all. But it was too late; the cups were full and Asuka was starting to round them up. They went back into the living room juggling seven cups between the two of them. 

“I just kind of assumed everyone was drinking,” Shinji admitted as he distributed the cups he was carrying. “I did not intend to peer pressure anyone. If anyone wants plain cranberry juice, I can get that instead.”

After what had just happened, nobody passed up the opportunity to drink. Rei had already turned her attention back to her phone, but she took a big gulp from her cup as soon as Shinji handed it to her. He hoped she was okay, but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by asking her any questions in front of the group. He would just have to confront her about it later.

“So,” Asuka said to cut the silence, “Rei, do you feel weird because your brother brought a date home?”

“Wha — ?!” Shinji squawked.

“No, I don't feel weird about that.” Rei did not elaborate further.

Shinji glared daggers at Asuka as he felt his cheeks heat up. Unlike Shinji, it appeared that Asuka had little regard for anyone else’s comfort level. He glanced at Kaworu to gauge his reaction, hoping that Asuka hadn’t made him feel weird about being there. Kaworu had brought his hand up to cover his mouth — he was smiling. Was that a good sign?

“Why would Shinji bring a dude home as a date?” Toji asked obtusely. “He ain't gay!”

Kensuke snorted. “Toji, come on, man. You know Shinji goes both ways.”

“Huh?” Toji seemed genuinely confused. “I thought that was just for… Y'know… I didn't think that meant he'd _date_ a guy.”

Shinji took a long sip of his drink, avoiding eye contact with anyone else in the room. He could feel Kaworu's sideways glance towards him.

“Honey, you shouldn’t say that,” Hikari chided. “What Shinji does in his personal life has no bearing on you.”

“It would be so awesome if we didn't talk about this,” Shinji said pointedly. “Kaworu-kun is my _friend._ I don't need you guys scaring him off.”

“I’m not scared,” Kaworu assured him. “But I am glad to hear that you are openly bisexual, Shinji-kun. Good for you. I wish I had your confidence.”

“I’m sorry,” Asuka said, cutting in, “Kaworu, do you really believe that your homosexuality is a _secret?”_

Kaworu chuckled. “Is it really that obvious?”

“Yes,” Asuka said, with Rei providing a complimentary tone in stereo.

Kaworu held his hands up in surrender. “You caught me.”

This didn’t come as a shock to Shinji, but he did feel relieved to get reassurance that Kaworu's actions towards him were likely coming from a place of romantic interest. His crush might have been requited — well, he was pretty sure it _definitely_ was, but he didn’t want to assume.

“Wait, so, if you're both into dudes...” Toji started to say; he was finally piecing it together. “Why don’t you guys just—”

“Stop! No more!” Shinji pleaded. “Can we please change the subject now? You guys are embarrassing me.”

“Yes. Let's talk about something else,” Rei said in agreement, setting her phone on the table beside her, ready to join the discussion.

“Aw, man. I was hoping that if we kept pushing the subject, we'd get to see Rei and Kaworu fist fight!” Kensuke joked.

“Kaworu-kun would never! He's a really good person,” Shinji attested, feeling somewhat defensive. He doubled down by adding, “He's like an angel!”

Kaworu choked on his drink, coughing and sputtering into the cup. Rei smiled, then started to snicker. She hid her face behind her own cup as she laughed in earnest. Shinji was going to pat Kaworu on the back — not that it actually did anything to help someone who was choking — but he was worried that any physical contact would prompt someone to comment.

“Oh, gosh, are you okay, Kaworu?” Hikari asked.

“Yes,” Kaworu said between coughs. “Thank you. That just...caught me by surprise. It was very sweet of Shinji-kun to say that.”

“It shouldn’t be so shocking,” Asuka said. “Shinji always says dumb things like that.”

Shinji ignored Asuka’s dig. Instead, he racked his brain for something to say, some direction in which to steer the conversation. He tried to think of anything at all that would take the attention off of himself and Kaworu, but he struggled to conjure any interesting conversation topics that would seem natural to bring up.

“Oh!” Asuka exclaimed, suddenly. “Hikari! Did you see that link I sent you?”

“Yeah, I did!” Hikari said, nodding with enthusiasm. “I can't believe it's being renewed for another season after such a long break!”

“What is?” Kensuke asked.

Thankfully, they started talking about a TV show which Shinji didn't know too much about. He would have to thank Asuka later for changing the topic so abruptly — although she _had_ been the one to start the line of questioning in the first place. Maybe it would be fine if he didn’t show his gratitude. Asuka didn’t need her ego inflated any more than it already was.

As he tried to follow what everyone was saying, Shinji felt something on his thigh. He glanced down — oh, it was Kaworu's thumb, gently stroking back and forth along the seam of his pant leg. He was reminding Shinji that he was there, and that he was thinking about him, even though he couldn't show it without arising any more suspicion. Shinji slowly adjusted the position of his arms to better hide Kaworu's hand, but he didn't push him away. The subtle touch was comfortable.

Eventually, he and Kaworu rejoined the conversation in a way that had nothing to do with their relationship to each other. The group asked Kaworu questions about himself (which they should have just done from the start) and they seemed to take a genuine interest in him when he explained that he was from another country. Even Asuka was intrigued; she also spoke German due to her mother’s influence, so she flexed her skills by having a brief conversation with Kaworu in their shared second language. Shinji was enthralled to hear Kaworu speak another language so fluidly, although he had no idea what he was saying. He was content to simply watch his lips as he pronounced the words.

After a while, Shinji went to take another sip of his drink, but realized it was empty. Other people were in a similar position, so he collected a few of the cups in need of a refill and headed to the kitchen to load them up with another ladle-full of Asuka’s seasonal swill. Asuka didn’t offer to help this time, but Kaworu volunteered to go in her stead. He rounded up the remaining cups and followed Shinji to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry about all their probing questions,” Shinji said quietly once they were out of earshot. “I don’t know why they were so weird at first. They’ve known about me being bi for a while.”

Kaworu tapped his chin in thought. “Well, have you ever introduced them to a man you were attracted to before? If you haven’t, that may be why. They’ve never had to fully comprehend it until now.”

“No, you’re the first one.” He sighed. “I guess you’re right. That makes sense.”

Kaworu smirked at him for a moment. Shinji gasped when he realized what he had just admitted to.

“U-Um, I mean…” Shinji fumbled for words. “You tricked me into saying that!”

Kaworu chuckled. “It’s nice to hear you admit it," he purred, putting his arm around Shinji’s waist. “The feeling is reciprocated.”

“O-Oh,” Shinji stammered, unsure how to respond. He was too distracted to think. Kaworu’s intense stare was so captivating...

“What’s taking you so long?” Rei asked, suddenly at the entrance to the kitchen.

“N-Nothing!” Shinji cried out in shock, scrambling out of Kaworu’s hold.

“Then hurry up.” She left the room.

Rei had definitely done that on purpose! Shinji tried to shake off the embarrassment and focused his attention on telling the cups apart as he refilled them. He handed them to Kaworu, telling him which cup belonged to whom, because he trusted Kaworu more than he trusted himself to ensure they were returned to their rightful owners. They distributed the cups and returned to their spot on the couch. Shinji avoided eye contact with Rei, although he was sure that she was studying him.

“I'm hungry,” Asuka announced, cutting the mild tension which she was likely unaware of. “So I'm ordering pizza now, and nobody is stopping me.”

“I don’t think anyone wants to stop you,” Rei said.

Asuka picked up her phone and tapped at it for a moment, then said, “Okay, what does everyone want on the pizza?”

“Mushrooms!” Hikari chirped.

“Got it,” Asuka said.

“I want pepperoni!” Kensuke cut in.

“Ew, no. Rei doesn’t eat meat.”

“Hey, that’s not fair! Can't you just put it on half?"

"That's too complicated." Asuka looked around the room again. “What else?”

“Green peppers,” Rei suggested.

“Alright,” Asuka said. “And I want olives. So that’s good enough.”

“So selfish,” Kensuke whined.

The pizza arrived, eventually (which Kensuke ate without further complaint), and the rest of the evening passed without consequence. It was refreshing for Shinji to interact with a group of people without feeling too alienated. Despite the rocky start, Shinji was happy to see his friends again, and he was glad they had a chance to meet Kaworu. Aside from Rei, it seemed like everyone in Shinji’s circle liked him.

But now, it was getting late. Asuka had put a movie on, but everyone only paid half-attention to it. By the end of it, Toji had fallen asleep on Hikari's shoulder, and even she looked bleary-eyed. Kensuke yawned and stretched, saying he would call a cab for the three of them. Asuka, too, said she was feeling sleepy, so she headed to bed shortly after the three of them headed home. Rei volunteered to tidy up the residual mess and told Shinji that he could go to bed, too, if he wanted.

“I suppose I should be leaving, then,” Kaworu said. “Thank you for inviting me. I love spending time with you, Shinji-kun.”

Shinji _was_ going to let him leave, but his honesty made Shinji want to be honest, too. He took a deep breath and prepared to embarrass himself.

“Y-You don't… Um…” Shinji looked down, fidgeting with his hands. “It's kind of late, isn't it? And you've been drinking. So, if you're tired, you can just stay over here. If you want. No pressure.”

Kaworu watched with a gradually growing smile as Shinji stumbled through his proposition.

“I don’t know how you could possibly imagine that I would refuse, Shinji-kun,” he said with a gentle, decidedly non-sexual touch to Shinji's knee. “I’m honoured that you would even ask such a thing of me.”

He offered to let Kaworu use the shower, which Kaworu accepted. When he came out a while later, his hair was still damp, making him kind of look like a hedgehog. Shinji had the urge to comb his fingers through it, but he resisted the impulse. There was no use in embarrassing himself in front of Rei again.

When it was his turn to use the shower, Shinji tried very hard not to think about how Kaworu had just been in there. He really, really tried not to visualize Kaworu standing in the same spot Shinji was now. He tried not to picture the water running down his body, washing the soap suds away. He _really_ tried... It almost worked.

Once Shinji was finished in the bathroom, he went to look for Kaworu, wondering where he could be. He heard voices in the kitchen, so he followed the source of the sound.

As he turned the corner, he saw Rei and Kaworu together, having a conversation. Despite feeling like a creep, he decided to hold back and listen from behind the wall. If he gave them the chance to speak, they would surely realize that they have a lot in common. Maybe they could be friends!

“Don't call me that,” Rei snapped, drawing Shinji's attention. “That's not my name.”

“What, is your name Ikari now?”

“Yes.”

“You believe that things are different, just because you're his daughter?”

“I never said that. But my name is Ikari now. Don't call me by that name anymore.”

“Fine. I won't.”

“There's something I could call _you_ instead of your name, if you'd prefer.”

“I already said I wouldn't use your old name anymore. No need to threaten me.” He paused. “Besides, you should know that I'm not the same creature I used to be.”

“Neither am I.”

What in God's name were they talking about? Had Asuka been on to something? Did Rei and Kaworu already know each other? Shinji flattened himself further against the wall, hoping Asuka didn't come out of her room and catch him eavesdropping. He had to find out more.

“Leave Shinji alone,” Rei said. “You've already proved that you can't make him happy. It's selfish for you to continue this endless pursuit.”

When had Kaworu proved anything? How would Rei know?

“You cannot stop him from doing what he wants. If he wants to be with me, you need to let him do that.”

“And if he decides he doesn't want you anymore, that is also his decision.”

Kaworu was silent for a moment. “Yes, it is.”

Woah, wait, what? They seemed to be getting ahead of themselves. Why were they jumping to the idea of Shinji being with Kaworu? Did Kaworu want to... _be with_ him? What did that mean?

Rei sighed. “I'm worried about him. I'm worried about what this is going to do to him.” She paused. “I think it’s already starting.”

“I know. I'm worried, too. I'm not your enemy.”

“Leave him alone, then.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“You _can;_ you just don’t want to. You’re selfish.”

“It’s not like my interest in him isn’t reciprocated. He has sought me out just as much as I’ve sought him. Why should I deny him that?”

Shinji felt a tickle in his chest. It seemed undeniable that Kaworu had feelings for him. He felt like he was violating a boundary by overhearing this, but he couldn’t stop. What else would he have to say about him?

“He could live without you,” Rei argued, but Shinji wasn’t sure why. She _must_ have already known something about Kaworu of which Shinji was unaware.

“Yes, but it is up to him to decide whether he wants to or not. Besides, I have no intentions of bringing him harm. I promise to do whatever I can to dispel any dangerous thoughts from his mind.”

“You’re foolish to think you have that kind of power.”

Shinji was conflicted. Should he reveal himself and let them know that he had heard them? He wanted to confront them, but he also didn't want to cut them off in case there was some other detail they had yet to impart. He knew it was wrong to continue listening, but he was dying to know what they were talking about — dangerous thoughts? Were they worried about him having a mental breakdown, or something? Perhaps it had been a mistake to tell them about his violent dreams.

“If you care so much about Shinji's happiness, then you should leave him alone,” Rei said, finally, after a long pause.

“And if you care about him, too, then you should let him do what he wants.”

They didn’t say anything else for a while. Shinji figured now was a good time to enter the kitchen as if he hadn't witnessed anything. He took a few careful steps back down the hallway and then started walking audibly, pretending that he had only just started to approach them. Rei’s eyes flitted towards him when she saw him enter, but she didn’t say anything. 

"Come on, Kaworu-kun," Shinji said, grabbing his hands and pulling. “I'm tired. Let's go to bed.”

Rei watched, arms crossed over her chest, as Shinji dragged a flustered Kaworu out of the kitchen. He didn’t really want to unnecessarily touch Kaworu in front of someone else, but he wouldn't have needed to be so grabby if he hadn't just heard Rei's blatant disapproval of their ill-defined relationship. Was it impolite of Shinji to openly defy his sister's wishes in front of her? Maybe so, but Rei was worse for attempting to emotionally manipulate Kaworu into cutting ties with him.

In the peaceful refuge of his bedroom, Shinji heaved a sigh. What a day it had been! He was too tired to lay out a futon for Kaworu, so he figured it was fine if they shared his bed. Although Shinji felt that it was too forward of a thing to suggest, Kaworu didn’t seem opposed to it, and Shinji trusted him not to attempt anything unsavoury. They nestled under the covers, facing each other from a short distance.

“Is everything okay?” Shinji asked. “Rei seems pretty mad at you.”

Kaworu sighed. “She'll be fine. She cares about you and doesn't want you to get involved with someone she doesn't trust.”

“Why doesn't she trust you? Do you two already know each other?”

Kaworu hesitated. “No, I just...remind her of someone. But she's wrong to find me untrustworthy.”

Shinji let his gaze bore deep into Kaworu’s eyes. He wondered why Rei would think to distrust someone so similar to herself. Kaworu had the same air of wisdom as Rei; Shinji felt intimidated when he made prolonged eye contact with either of them. Maybe it was that Rei had never met another person who matched her quiet intensity, and she felt uncomfortable to be put in a position of intimidation. 

He didn’t want to think about it anymore, though. He was genuinely tired, and he was eager to sleep after such a taxing day. Shinji wished Kaworu a good night and let his eyes fall shut, feeling sleep overtaking him.

After what felt like a few seconds, he was abruptly shaken awake.

“Shinji-kun, are you alright?” Kaworu whispered, jostling Shinji again until he was more alert.

“Huh?” Shinji blinked his eyes open, looking around the dark room. “What happened?”

“You must have been having a bad dream. I could hear you...whimpering, for lack of a better word.”

“Oh, sorry...” Shinji had been _whimpering?_ How embarrassing.

“Don't worry about it. I just wanted to get you out of that situation,” Kaworu murmured. “Whatever it was.”

“Thanks.”

Shinji tried to recall the dream. He remembered seeing a lot of red, maybe — or had it been orange? The details were fuzzy. He rolled away from Kaworu and shut his eyes again, trying to fall back asleep, but it was difficult. He still felt residual anxiety from the dream, despite not fully remembering it. His brain couldn't stop trying to piece together the vague images floating deep inside his subconscious. 

Having had enough of his endless ruminations, Shinji sat up. Kaworu sat up, too.

“Do you wanna go outside with me?” Shinji asked timidly. “I can go by myself if you don't want to.”

“I'll go with you,” Kaworu said with no hesitation.

“You're not even gonna ask what I'm going outside for?”

“I will follow you anywhere,” Kaworu cooed. “Whenever you want.”

“Y-You can't just say things like that, you know,” Shinji grumbled.

“I don't see any point in holding back my feelings. I've done that for long enough. I hope you can do the same, someday.” Kaworu punctuated his statement with a gentle smile; his eyes were closed and he looked a bit like a blissful cat. Something about his expression nudged at Shinji's already-weakening boundaries, making him want to do something stupid like patting Kaworu on the head. The desire went away when Kaworu opened his eyes again, but it was replaced with something slightly less innocent.

“I hope so, too,” Shinji whispered, really meaning it. Something about Kaworu made him want to open up.

Without putting their shoes on or grabbing their jackets, they crept out of the apartment and tiptoed down the stairs, as if what they were doing was a crime. They went to a small field across the street from the apartment building. It was close to a road, but at this time of night, not very many people would be driving in this direction.

“Sometimes, when I’m anxious and I can’t sleep, I come out here and look up at the sky. It helps me put things into perspective, I guess,” Shinji explained as he lay back against the grass.

“I can understand that,” Kaworu said. He copied Shinji’s position.

The streetlights made it difficult to see the stars clearly. It wasn’t like his childhood home, which was further away from the city and had more visible stars. He tried to focus on the ones that were especially faint, trying to make them out as best as he could.

“Do you see the one that looks like a W-shape?” Kaworu asked, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Shinji said, locating the shape in the sky.

"That’s Cassiopeia, named after a queen in Greek mythology. She was so vain that Poseidon chained her in the sky as punishment for saying that she and her daughter were more beautiful than any of his sea nymphs.”

“Oh, really?”

“It's interesting, isn't it? That big one near it is named after her daughter, Andromeda,” Kaworu explained, guiding Shinji's eyes to the constellation by circling it with his finger. “And that one is named after her husband, Cepheus.”

“Wow, that’s really cool,” Shinji said in awe. “I can hardly even identify a constellation, let alone know the story behind it. Are there any others you can tell me about?”

“Can you see that one there?” Kaworu said, pointing. “It's quite faint.”

“Where?”

“Here, I'll show you.” Kaworu shuffled closer, putting his face next to Shinji's to see from his perspective. He took Shinji's hand, extending his index finger, and pointed it at the constellation, tracing its shape. 

“Oh, I can see it now. Which one is that?”

“Capricornus,” Kaworu said with his head still touching Shinji's. “It's the smallest of the zodiac constellations.”

“I guess that’s why it’s so hard to see,” Shinji said. “Is there a story for that one?”

“It has a different meaning depending on the culture. Originally, the Sumerians and Babylonians each considered it a representation of a ‘goat-fish,’ but according to Greek mythology, it was associated with the forest deity, Pan.”

“Huh. That’s interesting. How do you know so much about this stuff?”

Kaworu shrugged. “I only know about things that interest me. It was just a coincidence that you happened to ask me to watch the stars with you.”

“Still,” Shinji insisted. “It's impressive.”

Kaworu smiled. “I'm flattered.”

The night air was cold, and Shinji was just in a T-shirt and pyjama pants. He hadn't noticed how cold it was because Kaworu’s insightful commentary had distracted him. Now that he had stopped sharing his knowledge, though, Shinji's teeth had begun to chatter.

“Are you cold?” Kaworu asked redundantly.

“Yeah, but I don't want to go inside yet.” Shinji sat up and put his arms around himself for warmth.

“This will help, then,” Kaworu said. He put his arm around Shinji's shoulders and hugged him close against his body.

“K-Kaworu-kun, this is kind of…” Shinji glanced around in the darkness, paranoid that someone could see them.

“You don't like it?”

“I-I didn't say that,” Shinji grumbled, turning to look at Kaworu. They were so close that his nose almost bonked into Kaworu's when he turned his head.

Kaworu smiled. “Do you like it when I do things like this?”

“I-I don't know…”

“You don't know?” Kaworu asked as he raised his hand to trace his thumb along Shinji's bottom lip. “Then you won't know unless you try, right?”

Shinji felt his own breath falter as his lips parted. Kaworu's hand moved to Shinji's cheek, instead, and gently angled his face up towards his own. He leaned in slightly and paused.

“Do you think you would like it if I kissed you?” Kaworu purred. Shinji could feel Kaworu's lips ghosting against his own as he spoke.

Shinji's heartbeat pounded in his stomach. He had been worried about things moving too quickly; he knew he didn't want to rush and progress things beyond friendship unless he was sure it would work out. He valued Kaworu's friendship and he didn't want to lose that, regardless of how he felt about him. And if Kaworu's interactions with Rei were any indication, it may not be ideal for them to enter a relationship at the moment. 

Despite all that, it was difficult to reason with himself when his lips were so close to Kaworu's. He was right about to say yes, to tell Kaworu that he wanted to follow his lead and do whatever he suggested, even if that meant —

_VRRROOM!_

“Gah!” Shinji cried, skittering back on all fours like a crab. Some asshole had decided to take advantage of the unoccupied roads and drive at a ridiculous speed, despite it being a residential area.

Kaworu's hand was frozen in mid-air in the same position it had been a moment ago, although Shinji's face was no longer in its tender grasp. He gawked at Shinji for a second, shocked at the sudden turn of events.

“Sorry,” Shinji mumbled. “I kinda ruined the moment, huh?”

“There will be others,” Kaworu said, smiling sympathetically. Shinji could tell he was disappointed.

Now that the romantic atmosphere had dissipated, Shinji was ready to escape the cold. They snuck back inside the apartment, although there was no need to sneak. It wasn't as if there were any parents posing a threat. Shinji had to admit, though, that it was more fun to act as if they were breaking a rule.

They crept down the hall and got back into bed. Shinji put a bit less distance between them than he had before. It wasn’t because he wanted to be particularly close to him; it was because he was cold, and if they were closer, then they would accumulate more heat under the blankets. That’s what he told himself.

“Please don't hesitate to wake me if you have another unpleasant dream,” Kaworu said as he nodded off.

Shinji watched Kaworu's peaceful sleeping face, still wary of falling back asleep. Earlier, he hadn't even realized he had been in the midst of a nightmare; he didn't want to know what other disturbing images his brain could come up with tonight, and he certainly didn't want to be aware of them this time. Something occurred to him that might make him more comfortable with falling asleep, and although it was embarrassing, he was in no position to pass up an opportunity to sleep soundly. After building up some courage, he gently tapped Kaworu's shoulder.

“Hmm?” Kaworu mumbled, peeking an eye open. “Is everything okay?”

Shinji couldn't stop himself from stammering. “I-I wanted to ask you, um… It might make me less worried about having another nightmare, but I wanted to ask you, in case you weren't okay with it…”

Kaworu was more alert now. “What is it?”

“Can I, um... Jeez, this is embarrassing.” Shinji wavered for a moment, but continued. “Can I put my head on your chest?”

Shinji stifled the urge to fill the silence as he waited for Kaworu's response, but it was tough; Kaworu was looking at him with his brow furrowed.

“I'm sorry, I'm not sure I heard you right.”

Shinji swallowed the lump in his throat. “I-I asked if I could sleep with my head on your chest.”

“...That is what I thought you said.”

Shinji pursed his lips. “Just forget it.”

“No, please, Shinji-kun. I don't mind if you use me as a pillow. Especially if it will help you sleep.” He paused. “I just hadn't expected you to ask for something like that.”

“Don't read into it too much,” Shinji warned. He snuggled up to Kaworu, resting his head on his chest and slinging an arm over his body. He focused on the sound of Kaworu's heart pulsing in his ribcage, finding it a soothing distraction for his restless mind.

As he was being lulled to sleep, he felt something pressing down against his hair for a moment. Then he heard a sound which he immediately recognized as a kiss — Kaworu had kissed the top of Shinji's head. Did he think he had already fallen asleep?

Due to his sleepy state, Shinji didn't think twice about his next move. He took Kaworu's hand in his own and brought it up to his lips, then softly kissed his knuckles. He heard Kaworu's heartbeat quicken under his ear.

“Goodnight,” Shinji murmured.

“Goodnight, Shinji-kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "don't read into it too much," says shinji, before holding kaworu's hand and kissing him on the knuckles LOL
> 
> this was a very fun chapter to write!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji has an interesting daydream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am reiterating that the class in this fic is based on a class i took, we talked about this in class one day and this is basically what i remember being discussed lol
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Shinji was nervous as he walked to class; it was the first time he was seeing Kaworu since their impromptu sleepover. They hadn’t really done anything beyond their normal actions — aside from almost kissing — but Shinji still felt like a boundary had been crossed. He didn’t know what to do, now, or how he was supposed to act towards Kaworu. It was probably best to pretend things hadn’t changed. Kaworu was upfront enough about his feelings that if he wanted to say something to Shinji, he would just say it; Shinji didn’t need to worry about broaching the subject.

He entered the classroom and took his usual seat. Kaworu greeted him normally, without any words of endearment or gratuitous touching. This was good. This was _normal._ Shinji had nothing to fear.

Well, he _had_ nothing to fear until he looked up at the projector screen. The opening slide of Professor Katsuragi’s slideshow announced that the topic of today's class was homoeroticism in ancient Greece. It seemed oddly relevant, but that was fine. Shinji could handle it. Even with Kaworu beside him, he could handle it.

Professor Katsuragi started the lecture by lamenting that there was far less information about female homoeroticism at the time, so she wanted to make sure she talked about it first. She mentioned Sappho, whom Shinji was somewhat familiar with — Rei was a big fan of hers, but that was all he knew. 

“Very little of Sappho’s poetry exists today, but it is likely that she wrote at least ten thousand lines,” the professor explained. “As far as we know, she frequently wrote about her complicated feelings towards women. Although her sexuality is still debated today, she has become a powerful symbol of lesbianism.”

Hold on... Sappho's poetry was a lesbian thing? Rei spoke so fondly of her work; Shinji wondered if there was something about Rei that he had been oblivious of. She had never shown interest in dating boys — although she had never shown interest in dating _anyone_ , really. She tended to prefer her own company. 

Even so, Shinji would try to pay closer attention from now on. It was doubtful that she was simply a fan of her poetry. He wouldn’t put it past her to drop hints in obscure ways.

Shinji was half-listening as the professor explained the concept of pederasty, which Shinji thought was gross. An adult man in a sexual relationship with a boy as young as twelve years old? Nasty. But she went on to explain that some adult men did have relationships, although it was common for one of them to permanently assume a passive role. Gender did not matter as much, as long as one of them took on the “masculine” role of the penetrator and the other was the passive, “feminine” one.

He glanced over at Kaworu out of the corner of his eye. Neither he nor Shinji were particularly feminine. He supposed that since he was younger, he likely would have been deemed the passive one in ancient Greek society, even though there was only a year between them. That seemed to be how those kinds of things were determined.

Wait, why was he thinking about himself and Kaworu in that way? He needed to focus before his mind went off on a rampage.

Now, Professor Katsuragi was showing photos of old artifacts which depicted imagery of same-sex relations. Shinji stared at one in particular, unable to take his eyes off it. The two young men painted on the side of an urn were little more than a rough tangle of limbs, but Shinji could tell what they were doing. He tried extremely hard to be as unemotionally involved as possible through all of this, but it was difficult. He just couldn't stop thinking about the person sitting next to him.

He remembered what it had felt like to wake up next to Kaworu the night he had let him stay over. Shinji had still been laying on Kaworu in the morning, but he ignored his embarrassment in favour of the comfort and reassurance he felt. He also recalled how rough Kaworu’s voice had sounded after being roused from sleep; the memory made him feel tingly in a way he shouldn’t, given his current setting. Shinji hadn’t thought something so unassuming would make him feel this way. But it wasn’t the first time he had slept next to Kaworu, was it?

Shinji felt himself lose control of his thoughts as his mind started to procure a scene. He felt the weight of Kaworu on the bed next to him as they tried to sleep in his dingy, poorly-lit room; it was the only place Shinji wanted to be at the moment. He was half-awake, struggling to breathe with the weight of Ayanami's death on his chest, suffocating him. He couldn't save her. Because of that, she was dead. And Kaworu was the only one who didn't care.

Shinji couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care if he was dying. Nothing mattered anymore. His friends were all either injured or dead. He still had Kaworu, he supposed, but Kaworu was _not_ his friend. He couldn’t stand his annoying, pushy attitude. Still, here he was, hyperventilating next to him. Would Kaworu even notice him? Would he care?

Suddenly, Kaworu was pinning him down, frowning at Shinji with curiosity. Shinji couldn’t catch his breath to respond. Clueing in to the situation, Kaworu looked around the room for something that might help. His search must have been fruitless; instead, he leaned over him, smothering Shinji's lips with his own. He wasn’t just doing this to slow Shinji’s breathing, Shinji could tell. Boys shouldn't kiss other boys, right? This was wrong. But it was working. Shinji's breath returned to normal.

“I guess it doesn't need to be a bag, after all,” Kaworu said, smugly, proud of his own quick resourcefulness.

Shinji scowled up at Kaworu with anger bubbling in his gut. All he had needed to do was cover Shinji’s mouth with his hand, but Kaworu had _kissed_ him! Shinji didn't even like this guy, let alone want to kiss him! He hated him and his stupid face, and his slightly-too-long hair, and his orange shirt. Everything about him was irritating. He yelled at Kaworu, telling him to get away. But Kaworu looked like he had something important to say...

Shinji snapped out of his daydream. Where had it come from? Shinji tried to return his attention to the lecture and refrain from daydreaming about weird scenarios that would never happen. He hadn't been sleeping well lately; perhaps his brain was conjuring up absurd ideas to keep itself running. It didn't help that Professor Katsuragi was talking about gay sex.

While half of his brain struggled to pay attention, the other half was lost inside itself as it conjured up a continuation to its own absurd fantasy. Absently, Shinji felt Kaworu's hands on him. He felt his lips against his skin. He knew he was fully imagining this, now; it didn't toe the line between imagination and reality like it had earlier. He was imagining what it would have been like to have crossed that line with Kaworu; he wanted to imagine how Kaworu would have responded if he hadn't pushed him away. He thought that he surely wouldn't have, had he known what was to come.

Perhaps it was good that they never made it that far; Kaworu definitely would have been insufferable if Shinji had expressed any desire towards him. The Kaworu currently in his mind was more of a pest than Shinji was used to — he never would have let it go if Shinji had admitted his feelings. Besides, if they had progressed any further, he likely wouldn’t have been as considerate of Shinji’s comfort compared to the other Kaworus he had encountered.

The other Kaworus…?

Shinji felt the daydream slip away from him, taking the specifics along with it, as he felt more present in the classroom. He took advantage of his lucidity and paid attention. Professor Katsuragi was explaining that the ancient Greeks utilized love between soldiers as a war tactic to help them feel a greater camaraderie. It would help them fight more effectively if they had a deeper connection. Shinji thought that sounded fishy, like there was something about that idea that seemed familiar to him. He felt like he must have read a story, or something, where a pseudo-military organization discreetly encouraged bonding between two boys to make them fight better together. He couldn’t remember any more than that, though.

Shinji looked down at his notebook, finding it only half as full as it should have been by this point in the lecture. He glanced over at Kaworu's notebook to see how much he had written. It was blank, but Shinji wasn't surprised; Kaworu didn't need to take notes in order to retain information. Or had he been distracted, too, like Shinji? He glanced over further to get a read on Kaworu's body language. He had placed his hand over his mouth, and his cheeks were slightly pink. Shinji wondered, innocently, what was on Kaworu's mind. What could he be thinking about?

He couldn't dwell on it — it was crucial for Shinji to pay attention now that he had spent half of the class time daydreaming. He took down as many notes as he could, but he knew he had missed a lot of important content. He was out of luck, too; it didn’t look like Kaworu would be able to fill in his gaps for him. (He immediately regretted his choice of phrasing.)

Class was over, and Shinji felt a familiar anxiety burn in his chest. He had already made plans to go to the library with Kaworu after class, but he felt awkward now that they were out of the lecture hall, especially since Shinji had been thinking about him in such a way. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes, but Shinji couldn’t take it anymore and decided to say something.

“That lecture was really something, huh?” He asked in an attempt to seem casual.

“I'm going to be honest, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said sincerely. “I wasn’t paying much attention. I couldn't stop thinking about you.”

So much for that. Shinji had forgotten that Kaworu lacked a filter when they were together. He sputtered for a moment, trying to string together a coherent sequence of words to express his shock at hearing that.

“I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. I just thought you had a right to know that I was having carnal thoughts about you.”

“Yeah, uh…” Shinji rubbed the back of his neck, averting his eyes. “I was, um, kind of thinking about the same kinda thing, actually.” He didn't bother mentioning any details of his strange daydream; besides, only fragments of it remained.

Kaworu's eyes widened. “You were thinking about me?”

“N-Not anything explicit!” Shinji said, already starting to backpedal. “Just a little bit...inappropriate. That's all.”

“Did you find it off-putting?” Kaworu asked with a raised eyebrow.

That wasn’t fair. How was he supposed to answer that question? If he said yes, then he was being rude (and dishonest, for the most part). But if he said no, then...wouldn't that be admitting that he wanted to do something like that with Kaworu? 

Screw it.

“No, I didn't.”

“Oh,” Kaworu breathed. “I see.” His cheeks were tinged slightly pink. So it _was_ possible to make him blush...

Shinji wondered what, specifically, Kaworu had been imagining. He didn't dare ask, though, because he knew that Kaworu wouldn't hesitate to share the details, and he wasn’t sure that he would be able to handle hearing Kaworu say something like that. They dropped the subject and went to their usual spot in the library.

Shinji compartmentalized his base thoughts and earnestly listened as Kaworu explained some of the more difficult concepts from the last few weeks of class. When his understanding had sufficiently improved, Shinji thanked Kaworu for his help and they began to pack up. However, he didn’t get too far; Kaworu stopped him before he could rise from the table.

“Shinji-kun,” he said, “Before we leave, I have something to ask you.”

“Oh? What is it?”

“I don't mean to be too forward, but I think we have progressed to the point where this is appropriate,” Kaworu started to explain. “The next time we are both free, I would like to spend some time together with you in a non-academic setting.”

Shinji took a moment to parse his words. “You mean…like a date?”

“I was worried that if I said it like that, I would scare you off.” He chuckled. “Okay, let me rephrase. Would you go on a date with me?”

“Um...” Shinji wasn’t sure how to respond. Hanging out with Kaworu was one thing; they usually had a reason, like studying, so it didn't feel weird. If they were to just hang out for the sake of spending time together, it would feel different — especially if they attached that word to it. Perhaps he should have trusted Kaworu's instinct to avoid using it.

“This isn't because we just expressed sexual desire towards each other,” Kaworu clarified. “I was intending to ask you long before we had that discussion.”

“I-I didn’t think you were suggesting anything like that!” Shinji assured him, frantically shaking his head. 

“So? What do you say?”

Despite his conflicting feelings, Shinji _did_ like Kaworu, and he was thrilled that Kaworu also liked him enough to ask him out. He wasn’t about to let it show, though. He didn’t want to make himself too vulnerable.

“Was I wrong to assume that we were on the same page about this?” Kaworu asked as Shinji waffled on his answer.

“N-No, you were right,” he finally admitted. Kaworu was vulnerable right now, too; especially with how hesitantly Shinji was responding.

“Does that mean you want to?”

“...Yes. But we can sort out the details later. I gotta get home.”

Kaworu walked with Shinji to the bus stop, as usual. Barely five minutes had passed and Shinji was already second-guessing his decision. Hadn't he decided not to pursue a relationship with Kaworu unless he knew Rei would approve of it? He _knew_ Rei wouldn't approve, so why had he agreed to a date?

As he rode the bus home, he grappled with his thoughts. It wasn't fair to either himself or to Kaworu for Rei to dictate whether or not they were allowed to date. If he just went ahead with it, she would have no choice but to learn to accept it. Rei would be angry with him, but Shinji could handle her.

His heart thudded in his stomach as he arrived home. Rei was going to kill him, but he had to be upfront about it. He had to disclose what had happened.

“You’re home late. Were you with Kaworu again?” Asuka asked after he walked in the door. She was lounged on the couch, and Rei was nowhere in sight.

Shinji nodded as he mentally prepared himself for the worst. He had to just say it.

“You look weird. Did something happen?”

“Yeah.” Shinji inhaled deeply before speaking. “He asked me on a date.”

“What? Really?” She smirked. “I thought he was just your friend?”

“W-Well, that was before!”

“Hey, Rei! Did you hear that?” Asuka called. “Shinji's going on a date!”

“...With whom?” Rei eventually asked from behind her bedroom door.

“Kaworu!”

Rei's door swung open in a single harsh movement. She poked her head out, squinting at Shinji.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Shinji said, refusing to back down.

Rei left her doorway with a huff and walked closer to him. 

“Please, Shinji. Stay away from him,” she begged. “I don't want you to get hurt.”

Shinji narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Why would I get hurt?”

“I just...have a bad feeling about him.”

“Kaworu-kun is the kindest person I've ever met. He treats me a lot better than _you_ do,” Shinji said pointedly. “At least he doesn’t try to control me. He would never hurt me. You're just trying to get in the way.”

“You have no idea what you're saying,” Rei snapped. “He can't just keep waltzing into your life as if he's rescuing you! You already have people who love you. You don't need him anymore!”

Shinji blinked. “What are you talking about?”

“Please listen to me. He's not good for you. He may seem fine now, but he's going to end up hurting you. Even if he doesn’t mean to.” She reached out and placed her hands on Shinji's shoulders. “Please. Don't see him anymore.”

“You don't even know him.”

“No. _You_ don't.” She sighed, sliding her hands off of Shinji. “If you're going to see him anyway, then please be careful.”

What was her problem? If she was so worried about Kaworu, couldn’t she just tell Shinji what it was that she was worried about? She couldn't expect Shinji to listen to her plea if she wasn't willing to be honest with him. Otherwise, she just seemed like she wasn't coping well with the fact that her younger brother was dating someone she didn’t like.

Irritated by Rei’s confusing behaviour, Shinji went to bed early in the hopes that he would wake up in a better mood. Maybe this would give Rei the chance to sort out her feelings so she could explain them properly next time.

Shortly after drifting off, Shinji found himself in the seat of a giant mech, again. This time, Kaworu was not about to be crushed in his hand. He felt relieved for a moment; maybe this dream wouldn't be terrifying. But he got worried when he looked to the side.

Shinji could tell that the person sitting a few feet away was Kaworu, but his face was out of focus. He could tell that Kaworu's lips were moving, and he could hear his muffled voice, but he couldn't understand what he was saying. Still, Shinji understood what was happening. Kaworu was about to die.

It was his fault, wasn't it? It was his fault that this had happened. He had been desperate to reverse the impact of his misdeeds. So desperate, in fact, that he hadn't thought about the consequences of his actions. Kaworu had tried to warn him. Why hadn't he listened?

Shinji crawled out of his seat and approached him, wanting to get closer, but there was a barrier in the way. If only Shinji hadn't separated them earlier; he might have been able to help, although he knew that probably would have been impossible, too. He pounded his fist against the screen, screaming, but it was useless. There was nothing he could do.

Kaworu was still talking, but Shinji couldn’t understand. He could hardly see him. This was the last time they would be together, he knew, and he could barely even hear his voice.

Suddenly, in an instant, Kaworu was reduced to a splatter. Shinji couldn't do anything but stare, frozen in place, at the red screen in front of him. It felt like an eternity as he sat there watching the gore slide down the barrier. At least the opaqueness of his blood spared him from whatever lay behind it.

Shinji woke up, still feeling paralyzed. Gradually, he wiggled his fingers and toes until he felt comfortable moving them. He fumbled on the nightstand for his phone, not hesitating. Two rings, and his call was answered.

“Shinji-kun?”

Shinji squeezed his eyes shut, relieved to hear Kaworu’s voice. The tears, which he hadn’t realized had welled up, spilled over.

“I had a bad dream.”

“Oh, no,” Kaworu said. “I'm sorry to hear that. I know your nightmares are frightening. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“You died.” He paused. “Again.”

Kaworu was silent for a moment. "Oh."

“You were behind a wall, or something, and I couldn’t get to you.” He swallowed. “I’m not sure exactly what happened, but you...exploded.”

Kaworu took another brief pause. “I am so sorry, Shinji-kun. That must have been quite upsetting.”

“And I knew it was my fault —”

“It wasn't,” Kaworu snapped.

“Huh?”

Kaworu exhaled. “...Nothing. Continue.”

“It was so weird, because I, like, knew the backstory this time. I knew I had done something bad and I was trying to fix it, but I just ended up making everything worse.”

“Maybe it was my fault for giving you false hope,” Kaworu muttered.

“Why would you think that?”

“I don't know. Ignore me. Did anything else happen?”

“Not really,” Shinji said, trying to sort out the scramble of images in his mind. “I just had to sit there for a long time and look at all the blood. It felt like hours, and I couldn't move. But then I woke up.”

“...I wish I could hold you.”

“I'll be fine,” Shinji said, but he didn't believe it. He hugged his pillow, trying to mimic the feeling of human contact. It didn't work. He wished Kaworu was there beside him.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Shinji shut his eyes again. “Just...promise me you'll still be there in the morning,” he whispered.

“I can't make that promise, Shinji-kun. But I can promise you that I won't explode, if that helps.”

Shinji smiled a bit. “It does. Thank you.”

Kaworu was a soothing presence, even from a distance, but Shinji couldn't rely on him forever. When would these nightmares stop coming? Shinji hadn't had a full night's sleep in months. He wished he had a better method of coping with them.

“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?” Kaworu offered. “I don't mind. I want to make sure you're okay.”

“...Yes, please,” Shinji mumbled. He wanted nothing more right now than to fall asleep to the sound of his voice. If he was lucky, he could stave off the nightmares for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji was pretty obtuse in this chapter lol. but his (day)dreams are becoming more specific...
> 
> next chapter might take a little while to come out bc i'm not sure exactly how i want it to go yet. but i am working on it! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji goes on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn’t expecting this chapter to be ready so soon lol. it’s been exactly one month since i posted the first chapter and i’m already on chapter 6?? i’m not ready for this fic to be half over :’(
> 
> this chapter is pretty fluffy but it should be a fun read!!
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Shinji was sitting in the living room with Asuka, trying to get some reading done while she absently scrolled on her phone. The semester was almost over, and although most of Shinji’s classes didn’t have mid-year exams, he had a lot of assignments to get done in the coming weeks. That meant he had a large chunk of previously-neglected reading to catch up on. 

Asuka sighed heavily, distracting Shinji from the page he was on. 

“What’s up?” He asked, setting his book down in his lap; he was grateful to have an excuse to do so.

“I miss my mom,” she lamented.

Shinji frowned in sympathy. “I miss mine, too.”

It was tough to be devoid of maternal affection, but at least Shinji and Asuka had that in common. They didn’t usually talk about it, so he felt honoured to have Asuka address their mutual situation for once. It typically just existed as an unspoken bond between the two of them — although he supposed Asuka had it worse. Asuka had actually _known_ her mother, whereas Shinji only had a vague shape in his head to mourn the loss of. _And_ she had the added trauma of finding her corpse. That had to be a difficult image to cope with.

“But she’s coming to see me after my exams!” Asuka continued. “My dad is, too.”

“Huh?” Shinji was caught off-guard. “You mean your stepmom?”

“No…?” Asuka said, confused. “I don’t have a stepmom…”

She didn’t have a stepmom? “But… your mother… isn’t she…?”

“Isn’t she what?” Asuka asked, getting irritated.

Shinji tried to think of the most delicate way to phrase it. “Isn't she… no longer with us?”

A blinding rage took over Asuka's expression. “What the hell is your problem? Are you trying to say that my mom is _dead?”_

Shinji put his head in his hands, totally confused. Was Asuka’s mother...not dead? Shinji’s was, too, right? 

“Don't even joke about that, you freak!” Asuka shouted.

Was he joking? Shinji felt dizzy; he was glad he was sitting down. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was, or how old he was, or what year they were currently in. He felt like he was slowly slipping into insanity.

After a moment of thought, he realized that Asuka was right. His mother was alive. Asuka’s mother was alive. He apologized to her for making such an offensive mistake. Why had he thought they were both dead? 

This wasn’t an entirely new occurrence; he had been experiencing minor lapses in thought like that lately. His father had called him on the phone last week and it had triggered his fight-or-flight response. He hadn't understood why his father would want to speak to him, so he figured he had made a grave error, but when he picked up the phone, everything was fine. Gendo had merely wanted to check up on his “favourite son” (which was one of the many lame jokes in his arsenal).

It wasn’t just his father, either; when Professor Katsuragi had returned his quiz to him a few days ago, her professional manner had made him uncomfortable. He had expected her to smile, or pat him on the shoulder, or tell him he did a good job in a cute, sing-song tone. Instead, she had remained an appropriate distance from him and wordlessly passed him the slip of paper, which struck him as odd. Why was it odd, though? She had never given any indication that she thought Shinji was special compared to other students...but it made him feel hollow to realize that.

There was no time for dwelling on his uncomfortable thoughts, though; he had something more urgent to deal with at the moment. Tonight was the night! In a short while, he would be meeting Kaworu for their...date. He still wasn’t totally sure that he had made the right decision in accepting, but it was too late to back out now. Besides, he liked Kaworu, and Kaworu apparently liked him, so it didn’t need to be complicated.

It took Shinji half an hour to decide what shirt he was going to wear, desperate to strike a balance between looking presentable and not looking like he was trying too hard. He only realized, after he had already wasted his time, that it was winter and he would have to wear a coat, so it didn't matter too much what shirt he had chosen. Aside from that, he was sure that Kaworu wouldn't care what he was wearing. Shinji's mere presence seemed to fulfill him enough. 

Despite Rei’s hums of dissatisfaction, Shinji said goodbye as he prepared to leave. He would only be gone for a few hours; it wasn’t like she would have to wait up for him or anything.

“Have fun!” Asuka yelled from the couch as Shinji was heading out the door. “Be safe!”

“W-What's that supposed to mean?” Shinji scoffed, not liking Asuka's insinuation.

“Tell Tabris I said ‘hi,’” Rei muttered harshly as she shut the door behind him.

Shinji stiffened, freezing in place for a moment. Tabris? Why was Rei being so weird again? He shook the thoughts from his head and continued on his way. She was probably just trying to confuse him and make him more suspicious of Kaworu, and saying that right before Shinji left was likely a strategic move.

He walked to the nearby café where they had agreed to meet. Although Kaworu insisted that he could pay for anything Shinji wanted to do, no matter how extravagant, Shinji had assured him that he preferred to go somewhere with a more comfortable atmosphere. Eventually, Kaworu had relented, but Shinji had a feeling that he would have to appease Kaworu’s desire in the future. If Kaworu wanted to go out with him again, that is.

Upon his arrival, he noticed that Kaworu had apparently already got a drink for him. He hoped it was hot chocolate — he liked coffee, but it was freezing outside, and coffee just didn’t hit the same. 

Kaworu’s face lit up when he noticed Shinji approach the table. Shinji gave a stupid little wave because he didn’t know how else to respond to being stared at so fondly. He knew his hair had collected a bit of snow during his walk over, so he couldn’t have looked very presentable. Kaworu must have been blinded by his affection.

“It’s nice to see you, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu greeted. “I got you hot chocolate. I hope that’s okay.”

Shinji wanted to marry him. He took a sip of the drink and felt its chocolatey warmth envelope him in a hug.

“Thank you,” Shinji said, lifting his face from the cup.

“Hold still for a moment,” Kaworu said with a chuckle, reaching forward and swiping at the tip of Shinji’s nose with his thumb. “You had some whipped cream on your nose.”

“Of course I did,” Shinji muttered. His self-directed embarrassment transmogrified, though, when Kaworu licked the splotch of cream from his thumb. He spluttered indiscriminately, looking around to see if anyone else had spotted that.

“Sorry,” Kaworu said, although it didn’t seem like he meant it. “I didn’t want to wipe it on my sleeve.”

“Like I’d believe that,” Shinji teased. Kaworu smiled in response.

The idea of a “date” had been anxiety-including, but as time passed, Shinji realized that they were just talking about the same sorts of things they always did. How was that any different than the times they usually saw each other? Shinji had expected it to feel different, but it just felt normal. The only difference was that they didn’t have their books in front of them. Was that really what constituted a date? Just spending time with someone he liked? It was more comfortable than he had expected.

It was so comfortable, in fact, that he didn’t want it to end. He had to come up with something to do beyond this; otherwise, they would end up parting ways too soon.

“Do you want to go for a walk after this?” He asked.

Kaworu hummed pensively. “It's a bit too cold, isn't it?”

“It'll be fine! Besides, there's a playground around here. Maybe the swings haven't frozen solid yet.”

They went outside and headed towards the nearby park. The evening air was biting, but the promise of some unrestrained winter fun was too enticing to let the cold get in the way. He eagerly led Kaworu to the swing set, but when they got close enough, Shinji was disappointed to see that the swings had been encased in a thick layer of ice — and he was in no mood to chip away at it. He wasn't about to let that ruin his mood, though. The snow surrounding them in the open field was still fresh and fluffy. He turned to Kaworu, grinning mischievously, and crept towards him with his fingers curled like the claws of a jungle cat.

“S-Shinji-kun?” Kaworu said cautiously, eyes wide with fear. He took a step back.

Shinji pounced. He heaved his whole body weight at Kaworu, knocking them both down into the snow, landing with a puff of powder. Kaworu broke Shinji’s fall, but unfortunately ended up sinking down into the deep snow as if it were a fluffy blanket. Shinji looked down at him, giggling at Kaworu’s unimpressed frown. He used his mittened hand to dust some of the flakes off his face for him.

“That was mean,” Kaworu grumbled.

“Sorry,” Shinji said with an insincere tone.

“No, _I'm_ sorry.” 

“What do you — _oof!”_

Shinji gasped in surprise as he, too, landed on his back in the fluffy snow; Kaworu had pushed Shinji off and rolled him into the snow beside him. Some snow collected beneath the collar of his coat, making him impossibly colder than he already was. He sat up and threw a handful of powder at Kaworu.

“ _That_ was mean!” He cried.

Kaworu sat up and ruffled Shinji’s now-damp hair. “Now we’re even.”

Shinji crossed his arms and sulked, even as Kaworu stood up and extended a hand to assist him. 

“If you betray me by grabbing my arm and pulling me back into the snow,” Kaworu threatened, “My wrath will know no bounds.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Shinji said, but he dragged out the last syllable a little too long. 

Before he knew it, Kaworu was on his face in the snowbank once again. It was his own fault for giving Shinji the idea in the first place. He sat up halfway, glowering at Shinji with snowflakes stuck to his eyelashes.

“That’s it. I’m going to kill you.”

Kaworu held Shinji down as he used his other arm to shovel as much snow as he could on top of him, burying him in it with impressive efficiency. Shinji struggled to get away as he squealed in protest, but part of him felt that he deserved this punishment. He had started it, after all. Under playground rules, that was a felony.

“I-I surrender!” Shinji sputtered. “You win!”

A mitten swiped at his face, and a moment later, Kaworu's apologetic smile came into view.

“I did warn you.” He helped Shinji up and brushed the snow off his back for him.

“You were way more mean than I was!” Shinji whined.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he said gently. 

To supplement his apology, Kaworu removed his mitten and placed his hand on Shinji's cheek. It was warm, so Shinji leaned into his touch, meeting his half-lidded gaze. The tip of Kaworu's nose was pink from the cold, and Shinji thought it looked cute. In fact, he was so caught up with taking in the rosy-cheeked image before him that he hardly noticed Kaworu wrap his other arm around his waist.

“You look adorable right now,” Kaworu murmured, letting Shinji know that he wasn’t the only one captivated.

Shinji's eyes widened as Kaworu leaned in closer. He wasn't ready to kiss him yet; he needed time to psych himself up first! Grabbing Kaworu by the jaw, he turned his face away and planted a soft kiss on his cold cheek as consolation.

“L-Let's build a snowman!” Shinji suggested, abruptly pushing against Kaworu's chest and turning away. 

Kaworu stood there, shocked, touching the spot where Shinji had kissed him. Eventually, he followed Shinji to a fresh patch of snow.

“I'm not sure that this type of snow is optimal for snowman-building,” Kaworu worried.

“Come on, we can try, at least!” Shinji chirped, getting to work.

Kaworu was correct; it wasn't the right kind of snow for a snowman. It was fluffier than it was wet, so they weren’t able to form a snowball, let alone roll it in the snow to build it up more. Shinji resorted to getting on his knees and forming a lump as best as he could. Kaworu knelt on the other side of the growing pile and started adding more to balance out the shape. It was half a metre tall when they began to slow down. 

“Should we try to make it look like a regular snowman, or leave it like this?” Kaworu asked.

Shinji pondered that for a moment. He tried to karate-chop around the middle of the lump to give it some waist definition, but it didn’t work very well. It ended up looking a bit like a peanut.

Satisfied enough with the result, Shinji stuck some rocks on it in the shape of a face, then stood up to admire their creation in its entirety. The smile was lopsided, and it had no arms, but it was charming in its own way.

“Our son,” Shinji cooed. “He's beautiful.”

“He may not be perfect, but I can see how much love you put into him.”

He felt Kaworu's eyes on him, so he turned his head. Kaworu pressed his lips to Shinji's cheek, like Shinji had done to him. His mouth felt hot against Shinji's icy skin.

“I wanted to return the gesture,” he murmured in Shinji's ear. “I hope that’s okay.”

“I-It is,” Shinji said, still feeling the kiss linger on his cheek.

Suddenly, the wind picked up, whipping harshly around the open field. Their body heat had mostly melted the residual snow on their clothes, making the sharp cold that much sharper. Shinji felt his teeth start to chatter.

“Oh, dear. You're shivering,” Kaworu said.

“So are you.”

“Yes, but that’s not important.” He put his arm around Shinji, rubbing his arm to create heat through friction. “You should get home. I’ll walk you there.”

It was a short walk to Shinji's apartment, so the cold was tolerable; especially with Kaworu’s arm still around him. Shinji hadn’t noticed until now, but he had become more acclimated to physical contact. He might even say that he enjoyed it. Where there had previously been embarrassment and discomfort, there now was a warm feeling of safety. As they approached the apartment building, Shinji found himself wishing Kaworu would hold him for a little while longer.

“You should come in,” Shinji offered before Kaworu could try to say goodbye. “At least until you warm up.”

“That would be nice,” Kaworu said, smiling. “I don’t want to go home yet.”

The warm, tingly feeling in Shinji’s gut instantly dissipated when he entered the apartment and saw Rei’s disapproving expression. She had been waiting for him to come home, reading a book in the living room. Asuka must have been out, since she was nowhere to be seen (or heard).

“Why are you wet?” She asked, setting her book aside so she could cross her arms.

“We were playing in the snow,” Shinji explained. He felt sheepish, like he was in trouble.

“It’s freezing outside. You could have gotten frostbite,” Rei scolded, shooting an accusatory glance at Kaworu.

“You’re right,” Kaworu admitted. “I should have thought it through better.”

“It wasn’t his idea!” Shinji said in his defense. “I’m the one who pushed him in the snow in the first place.”

Shinji wasn’t going to let Rei think that Kaworu had done something irresponsible. She already seemed to have enough reasons to dislike him. He didn’t want things to get worse; he wanted to keep seeing Kaworu like this, and it didn’t need to be any more complicated than it already was.

“At least you’re safe,” Rei reasoned, seeming to be calming down. “You should get changed.”

“I was planning on it,” Shinji grumbled.

With that settled, Rei took her book with her into her room and shut the door. Shinji took a soothing breath, relieved that they were alone again. 

Shinji then took Kaworu by the wrist and led him to his room, trusting that Kaworu wouldn’t get the wrong idea. He just didn’t want to get ambushed again, and this was the only place where it was unlikely to happen.

“I’ll give you some clothes so you can take those off and let them dry,” Shinji explained as he rummaged through the basket of clean laundry that he had yet to put away.

As he did so, Kaworu slowly paced around the room, looking at Shinji’s meagre possessions. Shinji hoped he hadn’t left anything out that would reveal anything he wanted to keep secret. Kaworu didn’t seem to notice anything odd, though, so it was probably fine.

Shinji lent Kaworu some pyjamas and left the room so they could separately get out of their damp clothes. He hoped Kaworu wouldn’t snoop in his bedside drawer now that he had the chance...

As he peeled the clingy fabric off his body in the washroom, he realized that Kaworu was in his bedroom, right now, taking his clothes off. He cast the tempting thought from his mind; there was no sense in working himself up. Instead, he focused on how nice it was to get into his pyjamas. Compared to what he had just been wearing, the pyjamas were toasty, like they had just come out of the dryer.

Once he was cozy and dry, Shinji approached his bedroom door and rapped on it with the back of his hand. 

“Are you done?” He asked.

Instead of answering, Kaworu opened the door. Shinji noticed that the shirt he gave him was slightly too tight. He tried not to stare; he could only endure the sexual tension between them for so long, and he didn't think now was a good time to reach a breaking point.

As Kaworu sat on the bed, Shinji gathered their clothes and hung them up to dry. When he was done, he was going to sit down on the bed, too, but he turned around to find Kaworu standing behind him.

“Gah — you scared me!”

“Sorry,” Kaworu said, laughing softly at Shinji’s reaction. “I just wanted to do this. It might help you warm up.”

He encircled Shinji with his arms and pulled him close. Tentatively, Shinji rested his cheek on his shoulder. He could smell his own fabric softener on Kaworu's shirt.

“Thank you for indulging me today,” Kaworu murmured.

“I had fun, too,” Shinji said. “You don't need to thank me.”

Shinji felt Kaworu exhale contentedly against the top of his head. “It's a relief to hear that you enjoy the time we spend together. I worry, sometimes, that this is one-sided.”

“I-It's not one-sided.”

“It isn't? What are your feelings towards me?”

Shinji pressed his face further against Kaworu's neck. “Don't ask me that.”

“Why?”

“It's embarrassing.”

“It shouldn't be.” He lightly pushed Shinji away and held him at an arm's length. "Isn't it better to be clear about how you feel?"

Without a spot to bury his face, Shinji felt exposed. He avoided eye contact.

“How do you feel about me?” Kaworu repeated, slightly rephrased this time.

“I-I’m too nervous to say it,” he admitted.

“Please,” Kaworu pleaded. “Please say it.”

Shinji pursed his lips. “I don’t know.”

“I-I need to hear you say it,” Kaworu whispered, voice trembling with desperation.

Shinji paused for a moment to build up the courage. “I'm falling in love with you,” he mumbled, finally meeting Kaworu's eyes. He couldn't stop himself from adding, “I think.”

Kaworu took a shuddering breath as his eyes became slightly glossy. He squeezed Shinji in again, holding him for a long while.

“You’ve never told me that before,” he whispered so quietly that Shinji wouldn't have heard him if they hadn't been so close.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I’m just happy. That’s all.” He released Shinji from his hold. “I'm going to stop hinting and just say it outright: I want to kiss you. Do I have your permission?”

“Y-You don't need to ask, you can just do it…”

Kaworu laughed. “You seemed reluctant before.”

“I’m fine now,” Shinji insisted.

Kaworu cradled Shinji's face in his hands as he inched closer. “Are you sure you aren’t still nervous?”

“M-Maybe a little,” Shinji quietly admitted.

Kaworu smiled softly as he placed his finger below Shinji’s chin, angling his face upwards. Shinji’s pulse sounded in his ears and he felt a pleasant kind of queasiness settle in his stomach. He wasn’t nervous, he realized; he was excited.

He held his breath as he felt Kaworu’s lips descend upon his own. He sighed, letting his lips part against Kaworu’s, tasting the residual sweetness from the cocoa. His hands moved on their own as they tangled in Kaworu’s soft hair; he pulled him closer as he felt a suppressed passion rise within him. He wanted more. He wanted to make up for lost time. Why hadn’t they done this sooner?

It didn’t feel like it had been long enough when Kaworu started to pull away. He laughed, breathless, and gave Shinji one more soft kiss before fully separating.

“I’ve been waiting a long time to do that properly,” he murmured.

What did that mean? They had only met a few months ago, hadn’t they? His grasp on time was slipping away from him; the feeling that his mind belonged somewhere else was rushing in. His thoughts were screaming at him, but they were jumbled; he couldn’t make sense of them.

All of a sudden, he felt dizzy, again, like he had this morning; he was confused. He clung to Kaworu, helplessly trying to stay upright. His legs were trembling. He worried that they were going to give out beneath him. 

“I don’t know what’s happening,” he whispered. He couldn’t stop his voice from quivering. His breaths came quicker; he couldn’t slow them down.

“Oh, no,” Kaworu gasped, eyes widening in panic. His eyes darted around the room.

“H-Help me,” he said weakly. He touched his face, feeling wetness beneath his fingers. Why was he getting so emotional? He didn’t feel present in the room; his mind was racing, but he couldn’t process the thoughts. Too many people were saying things that he didn’t understand. Kaworu and Rei spoke in riddles that they refused to explain, and when he thought about it too much, his head spun. It was too much, too quick, too esoteric for him to wrap his head around.

Suddenly, a sharp pain stung his cheek.

“Ow!” Shinji barked, snapping out of his trance. “Why did you hit me?” 

“I-I’m sorry. You asked me to help you, and...I couldn’t think of anything else to snap you out of it. I panicked.” He looked away. “I could tell that your mind was in a bad place, and I just wanted it to stop.”

Shinji’s eyes focused again; he saw Kaworu’s worried expression and instantly understood that he had not meant to hurt him. 

“It’s fine. I don’t know what happened,” he said, still catching his breath. “It had nothing to do with...what we did.”

“I know.” Kaworu gently wiped Shinji’s tears away. He held him, silently, while he calmed down.

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” Shinji croaked. “This kind of thing has been happening a lot lately. I keep getting confused. Like, this morning...I thought Asuka’s mother was dead. I really thought she was dead. I don’t know why.”

Kaworu’s grip on him tightened. “You’re not going crazy, Shinji-kun. Maybe it’s due to stress. Regardless, you shouldn’t pay it too much mind.”

“But it’s not just that,” Shinji continued, not satisfied with how easily Kaworu was dismissing his worries. “I keep expecting people to act differently towards me. I’m surprised when people treat me the way they always have. It’s like there’s another version of them in my head.”

Kaworu let out a pained sigh. “If you dwell on the thoughts too much, they may happen more often. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.”

Shinji exhaled heavily. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He still felt uneasy, but he wanted to trust in Kaworu’s cool rationality. His tone was so calm that Shinji couldn’t help but find it reassuring, anyway.

“You should take your mind off it for a while,” Kaworu suggested. “I can go home now, if you’d like. I’ll check if my clothes are dry.”

He let Shinji go and went towards the spot where his clothes were hanging, but Shinji tugged on his sleeve, preventing him from walking too far away.

“Y-You can stay over, again,” Shinji offered meekly. “You don’t have to leave.”

Kaworu seemed reluctant. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to be alone right now,” he confessed.

“If it’s what you want, then I’ll stay,” Kaworu said without further hesitation.

Shinji was drained from his weird delusional attack, so they decided to go to bed. It was hard to admit, but he wanted to fall asleep in Kaworu’s arms again. It was the only thing that would help him feel better about the disturbing thoughts in his head. He didn’t even have to ask, either; as soon as they got into bed, Kaworu pulled him close, cradling him from behind.

Even if he hadn’t, Shinji wouldn’t have hesitated to ask; he was getting better at being more open. He had even managed to tell Kaworu how he felt about him without downplaying it too much! Speaking of which...

“Hey, wait a second,” Shinji said, nudging Kaworu with his elbow. “Earlier, you asked me how I felt about you, but you didn't tell me how you felt about me!” He turned to face Kaworu and peered at him curiously.

Kaworu raised his eyebrows. He glanced off to the side and said, “Are you sure you want me to tell you?”

“Yes! It’s only fair.”

“Alright,” Kaworu acquiesced. He took Shinji’s hand in his own and murmured, “I love you, Shinji-kun. You are unbelievably precious to me. I would die for you. I have never felt this kind of -- mmpf…”

Shinji covered Kaworu's mouth with his hand, blushing furiously. “T-That's enough!”

Kaworu kissed Shinji's fingers before pulling his hand away. “You _did_ ask.”

Kaworu _loved_ him? It was intimidating, but it didn’t feel bad to hear. He didn’t think that Kaworu was just saying it; he believed that he loved him. He believed that Kaworu would die for him. He felt that it was undeserved, but he believed that Kaworu wanted nothing more than to shower him with love.

“T-Thank you for saying that,” Shinji mumbled. “I want to be able to say that to you, too, someday.”

“That’s all I need to hear.”

Shinji felt like he could find fulfillment if he spent every night like this; Rei’s disapproval be damned. She would come around eventually. She would see Kaworu for who he really was, not who she believed him to be.

He needed to be able to let himself sink into this feeling; it wasn’t fair to either him or Kaworu to fight it any more than he already had. Kaworu couldn’t have made his feelings more clear. Shinji had no reason to deny his own feelings any longer. He had to let himself fully embrace this.

For once, he slept without a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe rei and kaworu should choose their words more carefully. lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji thinks a little too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji contradicts himself a lot in this chapter. he's all over the place. poor boy is confused
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Shinji had met with Kaworu in the library, again, despite not having had a class together that day, and having no particular schoolwork to focus on. He wondered if Kaworu was his boyfriend, now. They would frequently see each other just for the sake of seeing each other; that seemed like the kind of thing boyfriends would do.

Although, Kaworu hadn’t kissed him since their date, so that may have meant that they weren't there yet. If they were boyfriends, they would be kissing more often, right? Shinji felt a bit like a seventh-grader as he worked through this issue in his head, and he did not want to ask Kaworu for clarification. He would wait for Kaworu to make it clear on his own.

As Shinji ruminated over the details of the past few weeks, he remembered something. Rei had said something strange just before Shinji left to meet Kaworu for their date, and he hadn't thought to bring it up until now. He hoped Kaworu would be able to provide some insight on Rei's odd remark — even if he didn’t want to share, Shinji was sure he could pull some kind of explanation out of him.

He turned to Kaworu, resting his head on his hand. “I meant to ask you... The other day, Rei called you by a weird name. I wanted to know if you knew what it meant.”

Kaworu seemed to be hesitating. “What did she call me?”

Shinji hummed, thinking for a second. “Tab...ris? I think?”

The muscles around Kaworu's eyes tensed almost imperceptibly. “Do you remember the context?”

“She said something like, 'Say hi to Tabris for me,’ and it sounded like an insult,” he paraphrased. “I assumed she meant you. Is it a nickname, or something?”

Kaworu didn't respond. His gaze fell to the table, looking like he was trying to come up with something to say.

“What's going on with you two? Is she, like, your secret ex-girlfriend or something?” Shinji asked with a scoff, as if he thought the idea was ridiculous, although it had crossed his mind. Why else would Rei seem to hate him, but be unable to tell Shinji the reason why?

Kaworu looked up at Shinji again. “No, definitely not.”

“Then what is it?”

Kaworu hesitated. “...I don't know.”

Shinji grit his teeth. “Yes, you do!”

“I don't want to talk about this,” Kaworu said, dismissing Shinji’s concern like he always did.

“This involves me, too. You need to tell me! I know you guys both know something I don’t. I overheard your conversation in the kitchen when you were talking about me, so I know something’s going on.”

Kaworu’s mouth flattened to a line. “For your own sake, you need to stop asking me about it.”

“Are you...threatening me?” Shinji asked, genuinely taken aback.

“No! I didn't mean it like that. You know I would never hurt you.”

“That's not what Rei says!”

“I don’t know why Rei would say anything to you about me, or why she would call me by that name.” He paused. “Why would she want to put that idea in your head?”

“Stop talking so vaguely!” Shinji snapped. “You always do that, and it’s getting on my nerves. Rei does it, too. I just want someone to tell me what’s going on.”

Kaworu huffed. “If you want an explanation, ask your sister. I’m not going to try and understand her thought process.”

“But you know _something_ ,” Shinji insisted. “Can’t you just tell me?”

“No,” Kaworu said firmly.

“I hate that you act like you don’t need to tell me the truth,” he spat. “If you love me as much as you say you do, why would you want to keep a secret from me?”

That was the wrong thing to say; Kaworu narrowed his eyes, looking angrier than Shinji had ever seen him. Shinji recoiled at his scathing expression and instantly regretted what he had said. He had hoped it would provoke Kaworu into responding, but it appeared to have done the opposite.

“That’s hurtful, Shinji-kun.” He stood from the table. “I'm leaving. See you tomorrow.”

Shinji let him go without arguing. If Kaworu didn't want to share, then so be it; Shinji wouldn’t speak to him until Kaworu was willing to be totally honest. He was angry enough with him, now, that it wouldn’t be difficult to avoid him.

Still, it was irritating not having the answer to such a confusing question. He was up all night pondering why Rei might call him that, or why it had made Kaworu react with such hostility. What was the connection between them? What was their relationship? Why did they both have such strong opinions about what was “best” for him?

The next day in class, he sat next to Kaworu without speaking to him. He was tired of Kaworu being so elusive; it was _his_ turn to be frustratingly aloof. He absolutely refused to say a word to him.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, trying to get him to acknowledge him. “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you what’s going on. I can’t tell you _because_ I love you so much. I wish I could do something to make you understand, but I can’t.”

Shinji stared straight ahead.

“Will you please look at me, at least?” Kaworu pleaded.

Shinji had told himself he wouldn’t speak to Kaworu, but he supposed it was okay to look at him. Without moving his head, he shifted his eyes so he could see his face. Kaworu looked like his inner conflict was paining him. Shinji was sure that he _wished_ he could tell him what was going on, but for whatever reason, he couldn’t. Shinji didn’t get it. Nothing could be _that_ drastic and life-changing.

“I’m sorry, Shinji-kun,” he whispered. “I hope you can come to forgive me.”

As if nobody was sitting next to him, Shinji returned his eyes to the front — class was about to start. He was prepared to take diligent notes in the hopes that he wouldn’t have to come crawling back to Kaworu and grovel for his help. He could see Kaworu glancing at him every so often in his peripherals, but he ignored him. He would ignore him once class was over, too.

He _tried_ to ignore him, anyway, until he heard Kaworu’s voice.

“Don't look at me like that,” he said, sounding far away, although his words were clear. “We'll meet again, Shinji-kun.”

“Huh…?” Shinji turned away from his notebook to look at him, breaking his vow of silence. “What did you say?”

Shinji’s eyes widened as he realized he wasn’t looking at the same Kaworu who had been sitting beside him a moment ago. His eyes darted around as he realized he was back in Unit-13. He looked back at Kaworu at the wrong moment.

With a grotesque splat, the swirling bits of the DSS choker convened, obliterating his head. Shinji had forgotten how horrifying it had truly been — at least his subconscious had paid him the courtesy of censoring it in his dreams. It all came back now, though; he felt every bit as disgusting and shameful as he had in that moment.

He curled up in his seat, instinctively assuming the fetal position, although it brought him no comfort. His fault. It was his fault. It should have been him. Why hadn't he listened to Kaworu? Why had he let him take the choker in the first place? It was Shinji’s burden; why had he let Kaworu take it on?

“S-Shinji-kun?!” It was Kaworu's voice. He was alive.

Shinji knew he was in the classroom, now, and he only now heard the guttural screams coming from his mouth. He tried to muffle them behind his palm, but he couldn’t stop them. Not when he knew what he knew now.

All of it had been real; every dream had been real. Every state of confusion had been derived from memory. Every mistake he had made came flooding back all at once. This is what Kaworu and Rei had been hiding from him; this is what had been lurking beneath the surface for months. He willed it to stop, but it was futile.

“Is...everything okay over there?” Professor Katsuragi asked, dumbfounded. Everyone, especially the professor, had stopped what they were doing to watch the scene unfold. Shinji hardly noticed their concerned eyes on him.

“Y-Yes, he'll be fine,” Kaworu answered with a tremble in his voice. “We'll leave the room. I'll help him. We apologize for the disturbance.”

He gathered their belongings and guided Shinji out of the room and into the hallway. So deep in shock that he disregarded the setting, Shinji collapsed against the wall a few feet from the door, sobbing. Kaworu knelt next to him, gently stroking his quivering back.

“It’s okay,” Kaworu whispered. “I'm not sure what you saw, but it’s okay. It wasn’t real. I'm here.”

Shinji turned away from the wall and slumped against Kaworu instead, shaking his head slowly. Kaworu was still trying to convince him that his memories were his mind’s fabrications. He didn’t know. He didn’t know that it was all here, now. Shinji knew.

He hid his face against Kaworu's neck as he tried to come down from his state of panic. He shut his eyes in the hopes that it would calm him down, but every time he let his eyelids close, he saw the fragmented memories he had repressed. His father's gentle smile at Ayanami. Asuka's lifeless body on the hospital bed. Misato in her uniform, telling Shinji she didn't need him anymore. The peaceful look on Kaworu's face each time he awaited his death.

“Can you tell me what’s going on in your head?”

Shinji shook his head again, clinging to Kaworu even tighter. Kaworu took the hint and did not press him further. He held his shaking body tightly, holding him close against his chest so Shinji wouldn't see any students passing by. There wasn’t much comfort to be gained by anything given the state he was in, but the feeling of Kaworu’s arms around him was somewhat helpful.

Eventually, Shinji was able to speak.

“I can remember everything,” he said weakly. “It's all I can see. It hurts.”

“What do you mean, ‘everything?’” Kaworu asked, wary.

“I know, Kaworu-kun. I know it was all real. I know how many times we’ve met.” He paused. “I-I mean, I don’t know the exact number, but... they’re all here, in my head, all talking at once. They’re all showing me their memories. I don’t want to see them.” He paused again, swallowing the thick feeling in his throat. “They’re all me. They’re all my memories.”

“I'm sorry,” Kaworu whispered. “I know it's disturbing to remember. I wanted to stop it from happening, but...I couldn't. I'm sorry," he repeated.

“God, I killed you so many times,” Shinji whispered. “I don’t want to see it. Shutting my eyes doesn’t make it go away.”

“I...wish I could take the pain away,” Kaworu said. “I wish I could go back and undo all that I did. I’m sorry for giving you such horrible memories.”

“So, this...is what you and Rei were keeping secret?”

“Yes.”

“...This whole time? You both knew?”

Kaworu nodded grimly. “Yes.”

Shinji pulled away from Kaworu's shoulder, looking at him with suspicious eyes. Kaworu was smiling faintly. He was likely just trying to be reassuring by not letting his anxiety show, but Shinji assumed that it was coming from a place of relief, which sparked his anger.

“Rei told me to avoid you. She said you were going to hurt me. Is this what she meant? Did you make me remember on purpose?” He asked.

Kaworu shook his head. “Absolutely not. I would never choose to cause you so much pain. That's why I refused to tell you anything when you asked, in case it prompted you to remember.”

Shinji narrowed his eyes. “Really? You were fine with being the only person who remembered what had happened? You didn’t want me to know who you really were?”

“I wouldn't say I was fine with it, but I’ve become accustomed to it over time. Before I met Rei, I’d never had someone acknowledge the past with me. I assumed I would always be the only one to remember. I have learned how to manage my own feelings.”

Shinji didn’t entirely believe that. “You weren't gonna tell me about the half-a-century-long crush you've had on me?” He asked, doubtful that Kaworu would intend on keeping such a large part of his identity a secret forever.

“It was more than half a century,” Kaworu corrected. “And a lot more than a crush.”

Shinji scowled. “So, what, you thought we were just gonna be together? With you remembering everything, and me being clueless?” He asked, grilling Kaworu a bit too hard. 

“I-I didn't think that far ahead,” Kaworu admitted. “I've never lasted this long before. I never even thought I would get you to tell me that you liked me. The only way you’ve ever communicated that to me in the past was by granting me a merciful death.”

Oof. Shinji felt like he had been punched in the gut to realize that, beneath Kaworu’s smooth composure, he had been dealing with the immense weight of the chance he had been given, and he hadn’t even known if he was doing the right thing. He was just as scared as Shinji was. Perhaps Shinji was being too cruel towards him.

“I just wanted to make you happy,” Kaworu continued. “That's all I've ever wanted to do.”

Despite Shinji’s feelings of sympathy, several separate facets of his mind were raging in different ways. If Kaworu’s main goal had been to make Shinji happy, why hadn’t he tried harder? Why hadn’t he eventually caught on to the pattern and realized that _he_ was the one responsible for a large chunk of Shinji’s despair? Why had he continued to insist on sacrificing himself, even when it may not have been necessary? Why had he shown Shinji what unconditional love felt like before taking it away from him in the most traumatizing way possible?

“But, you...lied to me again. You betrayed my trust again,” Shinji croaked, getting choked up again as he remembered how it felt when Kaworu abandoned him. “You always do. All you ever do is hurt me.”

“That's not true,” Kaworu argued. “You have no idea how many times I tried to make things work out.”

“It doesn't matter. You never did. You never succeeded.”

“You don’t understand how much pressure I was under,” Kaworu said in defense of himself. “I really thought I had done everything right last time, but… I was wrong. I made a mistake.”

“L-Last time?” Shinji repeated, immediately knowing what he was talking about. “That was the last time? The last time I saw you, you were a bloody mess dripping down a screen, because you insisted on taking responsibility for my mistakes? Because you would rather traumatize me than live in a world where I didn’t exist?”

“S-Shinji-kun, please calm down…”

Shinji ignored him, barrelling on. “A-And the other times… Why did it have to be me? Why did you make me do it? It could have been anyone. Seele would have killed you if you had refused to follow their orders, right?”

“...You’re right about that,” Kaworu admitted. “It was selfish for me to put you in that position. I know. I wasn’t considering how it would affect you. I certainly hadn’t predicted that you would carry it with you like this.”

It didn’t feel like a relief to hear Kaworu confess his guilt; it didn’t matter if he admitted it now or not. He couldn’t do anything to change the past, and he couldn’t remove the horrible thoughts from Shinji’s brain. He couldn’t undo the harm he had done.

“Why do you keep doing this?” Shinji asked, voice getting tight again. “Why do you show up and make me love you? Why do you always need to hurt me?”

“It has never been my intention to —”

Shinji cut him off. “Why couldn’t you have just ignored me all this time? You _knew_ how it would end every time, but you still pursued me. You knew what I would have to do, but you never warned me about it. You just let me carry on like I had made a real friend until I discovered that you had to die.”

Kaworu was quiet for a moment. His pained expression surely mirrored Shinji’s. Shinji wondered what he was thinking; he hoped he was experiencing the same feelings that he was. It was only fair. 

“I wanted to make what little time we had together memorable,” Kaworu finally explained. “If I had told you from the start, you wouldn’t have wanted to get close to me.” He paused, but when Shinji didn’t respond, he continued with more agitation. “You know, it wasn’t easy to ask you to kill me. I never wanted to die. Knowing how you’re going to die is scary, no matter how many times you do it. Why wouldn’t I want to enjoy the short time I had left?”

“That’s selfish.”

“It is.”

“That’s not what love is,” Shinji pushed further.

“...I disagree, but I see your point,” Kaworu relented. “Do you see mine?”

“No. It’s not like your life ended when you died. You came back every time.”

Kaworu peered at Shinji, speechless for a moment. Perhaps Shinji had said something stupid, or offensive, but he refused to budge on his argument.

“...I came back to a version of you who didn’t know me,” Kaworu said as if it was obvious. “I had to start over.”

“‘Start over.’ Like I’m something for you to conquer?” Shinji pressed.

“I-I didn’t say that. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You don’t love me,” he muttered.

“That’s not true,” Kaworu said, pleading. “You know that’s not true.”

“I hate you.”

“W-What?”

“I hate you!” Shinji repeated.

“I don't believe that.” Despite the conviction of his words, his tone sounded unsure.

“I wish I had an excuse to kill you this time,” Shinji spat, hoping to hurt Kaworu as much as he could. “At least it might have been easier to do, now that you’ve made me realize what a terrible person you are.”

Kaworu's eyes were full of agony. “I know you don’t mean that...”

Shinji knew, beneath his anger, that he had said something truly unforgivable, but he also knew that Kaworu would forgive him regardless. He _wanted_ Kaworu to forgive him. The desire to hurt him had left as soon as it arrived, but he felt compelled to keep going.

“I mean it!” He insisted, feeling his composure slipping away again. “I hate you, you...monster…!” He broke down in sobs again.

Kaworu reached out to comfort him, but Shinji smacked his hands away.

“I never want to see you again!”

Contradictory to his words, Shinji slumped against Kaworu’s body, sobbing against his shirt once more. Kaworu simply patted him on the back, putting up with his ever-shifting behaviour. One voice in his head was telling him to run away; another voice was telling him to never let Kaworu go. Every voice was telling him something different, showing him something to make him feel a different way. Every voice was his.

He clung to Kaworu tightly as he remembered the times when he really never did see Kaworu again. His heart ached as he remembered the gut-wrenching agony and the subsequent hollowness he felt each time Kaworu's life came to an end.

He sat up again, pulling away to hold Kaworu's face; he felt the solidness of his fragile head between his palms. One hand trailed down to his neck, running his fingers down it. This was the same neck he had pulverized so many times before. But here it was, fully intact, and Shinji’s hands were not strong enough to destroy it on his own. He didn’t need to fear that anymore.

“Shinji-kun…?” Kaworu asked, trying to keep up with Shinji’s change in mood.

“I'm sorry,” Shinji said, genuinely apologetic. “I didn't mean it; you’re not a terrible person. I'm just confused, and...I wanted to hurt you. I guess there are a lot of things I've been waiting to say to you.”

“I don't blame you for it,” Kaworu murmured. “You have every right to be angry.”

Shinji was grateful that Kaworu was so understanding; he felt the urge to express it. He wanted to show Kaworu how he felt. All those times he had been close to Kaworu before, heard Kaworu express his love for him, and he had never done this. He had never thought it was necessary. He had never had an idea of what was coming.

As his gaze melded with Kaworu's, he felt his heart swell in his chest. He was so full of love; he could feel it emanating from Kaworu, too. It overwhelmed him. The voices in his head lulled for a moment, eager to go along with his tangent.

Raising himself up on his knees, he leaned over Kaworu, encroaching on his space. He heard Kaworu's breath hitch as Shinji pushed him back against the wall and kissed him, softly at first. Kaworu made a soft sound through his nose in surprise, but didn't fight it. His hands found their way to the back of Shinji's head, ruffling through the short hair at the base of his skull.

All the feelings swimming in Shinji's head made it difficult to restrain himself. He crawled closer, into Kaworu's lap, straddling him. He couldn't stop himself from forcing Kaworu's mouth open further, leaning into him as if his body had lost all strength. Kaworu welcomed him, surrendering under Shinji's intensity and giving him control to do what he wanted.

Footsteps sounded from far down the hallway, reminding Shinji of their current setting. He pulled back, suddenly aware of his actions, feeling the shame setting in.

“U-Um. Sorry,” he stammered. “I got caught up in my head. They, um, wanted me to kiss you, I guess.”

“Don't apologize,” Kaworu murmured, hands still on Shinji's hips. “If you need to use me to figure things out, then you have my permission.”

“Jeez, don't say that…”

“I want to help you however I can. I’ll do anything; I love you, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu whispered. “Really. Now, more than ever.”

Shinji let himself get lost in Kaworu's warm gaze. Despite his earlier claims, he really did believe him. He let the feeling of being loved wash over him; although he had already felt love from many people in his life so far, it felt different to receive it from Kaworu. He knew that the love Kaworu had for him was impossibly deep.

“I didn't want you to remember, but I _am_ glad to have another chance with you,” he murmured. “I don't need to keep devastating secrets from you, now, or show you devastating truths. I can just love you without anything complicating it.”

That reminded Shinji of what Kaworu had said to him before: that Shinji was worthy of his love. It had made Shinji feel like a person, rather than a burden or an expendable tool. Nobody else had made him feel like that. Even now, remembering it, he felt the same. He felt special.

But he had said that shortly before forcing Shinji to kill him, hadn’t he? He had given Shinji that warm feeling of acceptance and then cruelly snatched it from him? Well, maybe _he_ wasn't worthy of _Shinji's_ love! 

“You jerk!” Shinji reeled back and smacked him again, across the face this time. It felt good for the two seconds immediately following, but then the guilt set in as the light red handprint started to form.

There was no sense in holding a grudge over anything from that long ago; that was the first time Kaworu had met him, so even he hadn’t known exactly what was to come. He had just been a lonely boy with a crush on someone in a similar position. Shinji couldn’t blame him for his actions.

Besides that, none of what was happening now was Kaworu's fault, was it? He hadn't _made_ Shinji remember. It was accidental. It wouldn’t do either of them any good for Shinji to resort to petty means of coping with his anger.

“I don't mind if you need to take your anger out on me, either,” Kaworu said as he rubbed the mark on his cheek. “If that's what you need to do to cope, I can take it.”

Shinji wouldn't need to do that; he didn’t want to hurt Kaworu. He loved him. But he hated him, too. He was so happy to see him again after all they had been through; he was so angry that Kaworu had given him these horrible memories in the first place. His mind was pulled in all directions and he had difficulty controlling himself. Everyone in his mind was intent on chewing Kaworu out for things he had done in entirely different lifetimes, but they were also relieved to see him.

“Why does it hurt so much?” Shinji mumbled. “When will they all shut up and let me think on my own?”

“I started remembering things partway through childhood,” Kaworu explained, wistful. “It was painful for me, too, because there was so much going on in my head. Eventually, the separate lives’ memories merge into one, and you become a whole person again. It may take a while, though.”

Kaworu had endured this on his own as a child? It was difficult enough for Shinji, now, but at least he was an adult with a developed psyche. The violent images in his head and the guilt he felt would have been so much harder on him as a child.

“But you also need to understand that you never will think ‘on your own’ again. All of those voices in your head _are_ you. They will continue to influence you, even when their thoughts aren’t easily distinguishable from your own. It’s not only that you gain their memories. They will see through your eyes, feel the same things you feel. I’m used to it by now, but you will likely feel strange for a while.”

“Well, at least you’re here to help me through it,” Shinji said. “And I have Rei, too, I guess, but I don’t know if she’ll even want to talk about it.”

“She’ll be angry with me, definitely. She’ll say it’s my fault.” He paused. “She may be right. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”  
  
Kaworu was taking on so much guilt. It made Shinji feel that had been too mean to him earlier; he wanted to apologize, but he knew it would only cause Kaworu to double down on his self-flagellation.

“Anyway, you should go home,” Kaworu insisted. “Get some rest. I can take the bus with you to ensure you get there safely.”

Shinji rubbed his bleary eyes. “Good idea.”

As they sat in silence on the bus, Shinji found himself sneaking glances at Kaworu, who was looking out the window. This was the same person who had sacrificed himself for humanity's sake, over and over again. The same person who had shown Shinji unconditional love when no one else wanted to do the same. The same person who Shinji had only ever realized he loved when it was already too late... Would he be making the same mistake again if he decided not to continue their relationship?

Now that his mind was in such a state, he didn’t think it was a good idea to progress his relationship with Kaworu any further. They hadn’t yet labelled it, which was probably for the best. Shinji wasn’t sure if he should be dating the person whose lifeless, disembodied head haunted his dreams. 

Asuka was still in class when they got to Shinji's apartment, but Rei was surely home. Shinji tried to keep his voice down so she wouldn't overhear and come out of her room. He wasn't ready to face her; he had enough to deal with already, and he didn't need any more repressed memories flooding his overcrowded mind right now.

“Thank you for staying with me and making sure I was safe,” he said as they stood inside the door.

“You don't need to thank me,” Kaworu assured. “I'm responsible for some of your most traumatic memories. I should witness the repercussions of my actions.”

“Still, I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I shouldn't have hit you.”

Kaworu smiled. “I already told you that you don’t need to worry about it.”

Shinji braced himself for Kaworu’s smile to disappear.

“B-But I'm not sure that I can do this,” Shinji said quickly, trying to get it through it as painlessly as possible.

“Do what?”

“This,” he said with emphasis. “Being with you. I don't know if I can do it. I need to think about it.”

He knew this had to be done, but it still felt awful to see the brokenness so plainly on Kaworu’s face. Shinji could see him begin to realize that he had messed up this time, too.

“I-I understand. It's okay.” He paused. “I'm happy that I have another chance to have a relationship with you. Friendship would suffice.”

Shinji had to look away from the intense sadness in his eyes. He had never wanted to see Kaworu make that face again, but he also had to consider his own feelings. He wasn't sure that their relationship would be healthy, given the circumstances.

“Don't think of it like I'm...breaking up with you, or anything,” he said, being partially dishonest to spare Kaworu's feelings. “I'm just unsure, okay? Because I do have strong feelings for you. But I don't know what percent of them are positive right now.”

“I understand.” He nodded, appeased for now. “I will leave you alone so you can think clearly.”

“Thank you.”

Kaworu turned away, but hesitated for a moment.

“Before I leave, though, can I say one more thing?”

“Sure,” Shinji agreed. After all he had said, he felt it was only fair to hear Kaworu out.

Kaworu stepped closer. His arms twitched like they wanted to reach out and touch Shinji, but he kept them firmly at his sides. 

“You have no idea what this feels like from my perspective,” Kaworu said; his words were accusatory but his tone was soft. “You don't know what it's like to live the same life over and over again, remembering each time, already knowing how it will end. To repeatedly traumatize the person you love. To know that you will never be the person they need you to be.” He inhaled another deep, shuddering breath. “And now that you finally have a chance to live a normal life with them, they might hate you because you made them remember all the times you failed.”

Kaworu avoided Shinji's gaze as he tried to stabilize his breathing, wiping his eyes with the backs of his fingers. Shinji was awestruck; he had never seen Kaworu cry before. He knew it was rude to stare, but he couldn’t look away. 

“I-I'll go now,” Kaworu whispered, voice tight.

“W-Wait,” Shinji said, but he didn't know why. His mouth felt like it was moving on its own. “I know you never wanted it to turn out like this. I know you just wanted to make me happy. Back then, you _did_ make me happy. Even though you had to go in the end, I was never happier than I was when I was with you.” He paused. “I am happy to see you again. And I'm glad I remember you, now, because I don't want to forget how much I missed you.”

“Shinji-kun…”

“But I still have a lot to think about,” Shinji said, backtracking on his own outburst. “I'm still unsure about what my feelings are for you _now._ I don't know if what I felt for you was just because of memories I didn't know about. I know that the weird, amorphous Shinji in my head loves you, but I don't know if _I_ do. I need to think about it.”

Kaworu sniffed, composing himself. “I understand. I'll go home now.”

“Thank you.”

Kaworu tried to wriggle out of Shinji's grasp in order to leave. Shinji didn't remember when he had reached out to hold Kaworu again, but he couldn't release his grip now. He was afraid.

“...You'll need to let go of me,” Kaworu politely indicated.

Shinji felt his lip wobble. He fell forward against him and buried his face in the front of his shirt, inhaling, trying to commit the scent to memory.

“W-What if...something happens to you again?” He mumbled against the fabric.

“Oh, no, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu chided. He hugged Shinji tightly, trying to stop him from shaking.

“What if you leave and I never see you again?”

“Please don't worry about that,” Kaworu pleaded. “I'll be fine.”

“I don't want you to go,” Shinji admitted, feeling panic setting in.

Kaworu patted Shinji's hair in a comforting gesture. “You should be alone. You need time to process everything, and you can't do that if I'm distracting you.”

“I don't want to be alone,” Shinji mumbled.

“But —”

“I can process it later!” Shinji suddenly shouted, unable to control his own volume. “Why can't you just stay with me?”

Shinji heard the sound of a door opening. He turned and saw Rei coming out of her bedroom. She stood at the end of the hallway, looking to where Shinji and Kaworu were holding each other against the door.

“What's going on?”

“R-Rei!” Shinji gasped as he backed away from Kaworu. She had tried to warn him so many times. Should he have listened to her?

“What happened?” Rei asked, although she was looking at Kaworu instead of Shinji.

“I'm sorry,” Kaworu said. “I didn't want this any more than you did.”

Rei's hands balled into fists at her side. “What did you do?”

“I didn't do anything. You know that.”

“Leave.”

“I was trying to,” Kaworu said, holding his hands up in surrender.

“N-No, don't go!” Shinji said, panicked.

“I'm sorry, Shinji-kun. I'll see you again soon,” he murmured with a gentle touch to Shinji's cheek.

Kaworu left, then, leaving Shinji feeling cold. He couldn't stop imagining Kaworu getting hit by a car, or falling down the stairs and breaking his neck, or suffering a sudden and unexplained heart attack. His legs felt restless, like he wanted to run after him... But he didn't. 

Instead, he turned to Rei, who was still watching him. He approached her with caution. He could tell that she knew everything he did, and he knew she could tell that he had remembered it all.

“Why didn't you tell me anything about this?” He asked, trying to sound as calm as possible. Of course, he already knew the answer. He knew why she hated Kaworu, and why she wanted Shinji to stay away from him.

Rei crossed her arms. “I didn't want you to suffer like I have,” she confessed.

“How long have you known for?” He pressed.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Why have you never told me?" He asked again, wanting a more satisfying answer. “You could have made me remember, too. That way, you wouldn't have been the only one.”

She frowned. “I didn't _want_ you to remember. I know what it feels like, and you don't deserve to experience that. You can never resolve your grievances with people because they don’t know who you are. It’s hell.”

“But...didn't you feel lonely?” Shinji asked with a much softer tone. “You remembered all of us. Didn't you want us to remember you, too?”

Rei looked at the floor for a while, not saying anything.

“I didn't want that,” Rei finally said, gaze still on the carpet. “I didn't want you to remember me like that.”

Shinji remembered Rei as a hollow girl who took orders and didn't do much for herself. But he _knew_ she had been more than that, and she was more than that now, too. It wasn't her fault that she had never been given a chance to develop her own sense of identity. His father — their father, now — hadn't let her do that. He hadn't seen her as human. That wasn't Rei's fault.

“I'm not saying any more.” She turned around and started to enter her room again.

“Rei, please talk to me,” Shinji begged.

She stopped in the doorway, back facing him. “No.”

Shinji approached her and trapped her in a hug. She struggled for a few seconds, but quickly gave up, going limp in his arms. Whoever she used to be didn't matter. She wasn't a clone of his mother anymore; she was her daughter. She was her own person. She was his sister, and that would always be the way he saw her, regardless of the person she once was.

“I'm not saying any more about it,” she repeated weakly. “Not now.”

“That's okay.” Shinji watched as she retreated into her dark bedroom, satisfied with her open-ended remark.

He retired to his own room, exhausted but not tired enough to go to bed early. Now that he was removed from Kaworu's presence, it was easier to think without his feelings making things complicated. He loved Kaworu, he knew that, but he didn't know if he could forgive him for the trauma he had caused. He didn't know if he loved Kaworu enough to get past that.

However, Shinji worried that he was overreacting. Yes, it was awful to regain memories of the horrors he had lived, but did the horror outweigh the heart-squeezing bliss of seeing Kaworu in front of him? Of having the opportunity to take everything he knew and roll it up and move forward with that amount of experience? He wasn't sure. He didn't know what the right decision was. He didn't trust his own ability to decide.

He didn't want to make the same mistake again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i have taken a lot of liberties in this fic based on my own interpretation of things. i am kind of operating under the assumption that the anime was kaworu's first run-through, and the manga came after that, and rebuild was the last/most recent, and there were some in-between that we haven't seen. this is mostly speculation lol, not really based in anything concrete


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji thinks too hard, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji is in a blanket burrito for the entirety of this chapter (except for like 2 lines lol)
> 
> also, i will warn you that this chapter contains mild violence and sexual themes but it is very brief
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Shinji spent the next day in bed, unable and unwilling to move. After his episode in class the other day, he couldn't bring himself to attend _any_ of his classes. It would be too much for him right now. Not only that, but he didn't want to see Kaworu; he didn't even want to risk it by being on campus. He needed to let his mind settle.

The best idea he had for that was to aimlessly scroll on his phone in an attempt to numb his overactive brain. It worked better than he thought it would. His brain was sufficiently numbed, which may not have been a good thing under normal circumstances, but was a necessity now. He would stay in bed for a week if he had to, scrolling through things on his phone that should have been making him laugh — or at least smile. He couldn’t bring himself to do either.

His bedroom door was abruptly opened, bringing unwelcome light into his cave of angst. He squinted at the harsh yellow shining in his eyes, seeing Asuka's silhouette in the doorframe.

“Are you gonna get up, idiot? I know you're not sick!” She said snidely, preparing to take a step towards him. She froze, though, when she saw Shinji’s somber face, cocooned by blankets. “Woah, are you okay?”

Shinji looked at her blankly, wordlessly. Although they hadn’t endured any horrors together now, he realized that she really hadn't changed much, personality-wise. Before, there had always been an underlying concern for him buried beneath her hard exterior — when she hadn't been trying to kill him, at least. 

It was the same, now. No matter how much vitriol she threw at him, he could rely on her to come around eventually and show him her version of kindness. She really did like him, didn’t she? She always had. She was bad at showing it, sometimes, but she did occasionally let the sentiment show through.

“You're a good friend, Asuka,” he said, feeling his lips sticking together slightly from hours of not speaking.

Her expression only became more concerned. “... _Are_ you sick?”

“No,” he confirmed. “But I’m staying home today.”

Asuka left him alone, telling him to yell if he needed her for anything. He felt lucky to have someone around who didn’t know him for who he used to be. However, that made it feel like an invasive act to remember who _she_ used to be; she had no idea what Shinji could be thinking, and it didn't seem right to remember her in that light.

He felt that she was left out, somehow. Rei remembered, and Kaworu remembered, and now Shinji remembered, too; aside from Mari, whom Shinji hadn’t met this time, and Toji, who had little to gain from remembering anything, Asuka was the only pilot who had no recollection of what had happened before. He envied her for somehow managing to have met Shinji, Rei, _and_ Kaworu without being triggered. What a blissful existence it must have been, to just live and get along with the people around you and not feel like they’re keeping secrets from you.

It would likely stay that way, too. Before Kaworu showed up, Rei had never given a serious inkling that she was hiding anything major; she would eventually return to her normal behaviour. Once they had all adjusted to Shinji’s change in personality, there would be nothing suggesting to Asuka that she was lagging behind.

That made Shinji feel uneasy, though; he wasn’t sure that it was morally correct for him and Rei to keep something so large from Asuka. Was it her right to know? Shinji had been devastated to remember, but wouldn't he rather be informed than ignorant? It was an entire piece of himself — more than a piece; he had lived more years in that loop than he had in his current life. It was a crucial part of his identity. The trauma was intense, but he didn’t want to shy away from it; he wanted to grow from it. He didn’t want his past suffering to go to waste.

That being said, Shinji wasn’t sure about how that applied to Asuka. He didn’t know how she would respond to the sudden memory of her mother’s abuse; he doubted she would want to relive that. The horrors she had seen were arguably worse than anything Gendo had put Shinji through. It would be difficult to have that image of her mother contrasting the image she had now.

He also didn’t know if he wanted Asuka to have those memories of _him_. He understood how Rei felt, now; he didn't want Asuka to remember him when he was a snivelling, horny teenage boy. He had done some disgusting things that he would rather bury with his former selves. If he told her about any of their past exploits, she would likely remember everything, and that wouldn’t be good.

This warranted more serious thought. He couldn’t tell if it was right to keep going like this, or if it was better to intentionally trigger her memory. Somehow, both options seemed like the worse thing to do. Perhaps he could consult with Rei about this, eventually, if she ever wanted to open up to him further. But it didn’t seem like that would happen any time soon. 

Now, though, he wanted to take his mind off of the entire thing. More than anything, he wanted to hear his mother's voice; she was the only one he hadn't known, the only one who hadn't hurt him. She was safe; she was the only person who could give him comfort right now.

He dialed her number, waiting for her to pick up. He awaited the wash of calm upon hearing her familiar voice.

“Shinji!” She chirped, enthused to receive a call from her son. “How are you?”

“I-I'm fine,” he stammered. This had been a bad idea. When he heard her voice, he remembered the feeling of being synced with Unit-01. His chest felt tight, he couldn't breathe; he felt like he was drowning in LCL again. The pressure to succeed at whatever task he had been given fell heavy on his shoulders. Everyone was counting on him. He was the only one who could do it. If he didn’t, it would have to be Rei. She was eternally willing to sacrifice herself.

Suppressing his bubbling panic, he carried on as normal of a conversation as he could. Would he respond like this every time he spoke to his mother? He hoped that Kaworu had been right about his emotions levelling out after a while. As much as he was on the fence about him, he trusted that Kaworu wouldn't lie to him about something like that.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, he said something had come up and that he would have to end the call. He refused when she told him that Gendo wanted to say hello; he was the last person Shinji wanted to speak to. He would rather not find out what kind of Pavlovian response Gendo would pull from him. 

Despite not having spoken to his father, Shinji's mind spiralled with questions about him. If Yui was dead now, too, would he still have loved Shinji as much as he did, or would he have hated him again? Was she the determining factor in whether he loved his son or not? That had to have been the case; it was the same soul inside him, right? If that were true, he likely would have behaved the same way if they were put in that situation again. Or were souls a myth, and Gendo was an entirely new person now?

Shinji knew he would never get an answer; it was futile to speculate. It didn’t matter. The Gendo he had known was dead, and the Gendo he knew now was everything Shinji had ever wanted him to be. He would have to be satisfied with that for now.

His phone buzzed, drawing his attention; he had received a message from Kaworu. Shinji heaved a sigh. If Kaworu thought everything was fine and they were just going to be together after one day of consideration, he was sorely mistaken. Rei had been right; Shinji had people who loved him now. Kaworu wasn't all he had anymore. He had no need to cling to him.

“Hello, Shinji-kun,” he had written. “I hope you’re coping well. You don’t have to respond, but if you’re feeling up to it, can you please let me know if you’re okay? I’m worried about you.”

Shinji stared at the message, eyes scanning the words a few times before he actually understood them. With gargantuan effort, he adjusted the position of his hand so he could tap out a message with his thumb.

“I’m okay,” he wrote, doing the bare minimum because he didn't have the energy to do much else.

Kaworu responded promptly. “Thank you. I will continue to leave you alone unless you contact me.”

Kaworu hadn’t brought it up, but it was clear that he was foaming at the mouth in anticipation for Shinji’s decision. Shinji wished he had an answer for him. He thought hard about Kaworu, trying to conjure the same feelings he had for him before all of this had happened, but it was difficult. His brain was muddy.

Perhaps now was not a good time to ponder this; it was unlikely that he could make an informed decision in his current state. A nap might help him clear his mind. If it didn't, at least it would be an escape from his thoughts. He would do anything to ease the pain, even if it meant sleeping the next few days away. 

His eyes fell shut, and he fell into a dream shortly after.

He was on his back, laying on the bed in his room in Nerv. Kaworu was above him, kissing him, trailing his hands over his body, being very tender, more tender than Shinji deserved. He was whispering sweet things to Shinji about how much he loved him, how beautiful he was. Shinji marvelled at how easy it was to believe him.

Shinji traced his finger around the black choker on Kaworu's neck. It was too tight to slip his finger under; he wished it wasn't there, he wanted to feel more of his skin, but before he knew it, their clothes were vanishing; he felt Kaworu's fingers on him, inside him, preparing him for what was to come.

He had always wanted this, he realized. For all his fumbling fear of intimacy, he had been wanting to connect with Kaworu like this for a long time. He braced himself in anticipation as Kaworu knelt before him.

But then they were outside, suddenly, in the red wreckage of Shinji's mistake. Kaworu had a spear in either hand, looking down at Shinji, emotionless. Shinji was still on his back, legs open, vulnerable. He could move. He could get away. He remained still. 

“It's your turn, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, coldly, holding the downturned spear over his head.

He plunged it through the core of Shinji's plugsuit — when had he put his plugsuit on? Shinji felt it, he felt his organs rupture as the two-headed prong pierced him, but he didn't cry out. The lance pinned him to the ground; the ground that he ruined. The world that he ruined. He deserved this. Kaworu took the second one, then, and pointing it towards Shinji's heart; he welcomed it, he could almost taste it —

Shinji woke up. 

He knew that the events of his dream had never happened. He _knew_ it hadn't been based in reality...but it still terrified him. What if Kaworu had held a grudge against him after all this time, and was now exacting his revenge? What if he wanted Shinji to suffer?

These questions truly did concern him, but he didn't entertain them for more than a few seconds. He didn't remotely believe that Kaworu blamed him for anything that had happened before, no matter what his subconscious tried to tell him. He understood that the dream had been a reflection of his own desire to repent for his sins.

He desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but didn't want to call Kaworu. He couldn't, anyway; he wouldn't be able to explain anything to him. Sighing, he rolled out of bed and padded down the hall. Hoping he didn't wake Asuka, too, he knocked on Rei's door.

“Rei?” He called, softly, through the door. “Can I come in? I had a nightmare.”

He stood there in silence, patiently waiting. A full minute later, Rei opened the door.

“You can sleep in here tonight.” She went back to bed and got under the covers again, not insisting any further. Shinji took the invitation and followed her. They hadn’t shared a bed since they were kids, but it didn't feel weird. It was comforting to have Rei’s stoic presence beside him.

She was silent, but he could tell she was still awake, so he decided to divulge the censored details of his dream.

“I had another nightmare about Kaworu-kun,” he said, voice hushed. “It wasn't a memory, or anything, but it was scary. He was killing me, this time. I know he would never do that… But it was like he wanted revenge on me.” He paused. “I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to kill me. That was the scariest part.”

Rei didn't respond. Shinji felt kind of stupid for telling her about it.

“I _did_ warn you,” she said after several minutes of silence.

Shinji glared in her general direction. “You're really gonna say, ‘I told you so?’”

“Yes,” she said callously. “You should have listened to me.”

“How was I supposed to know what you meant?”

“I couldn't have been any more specific than I was without exposing you to it myself.” She paused, giving Shinji a chance to respond, before continuing. “Do you still want to be with him?”

“...I don't know,” he admitted.

“This was a consequence of your desire to keep seeing him. If you give up on him now, then it would have all been for nothing, right?”

“Are you telling me you want me to date him?” Shinji asked, scoffing. “After all you've said?”

“No. I still find him insufferable. I just want you to think hard about it; that's all.” She paused. “Unless there's a way to reverse this…”

“I doubt it. If it were possible, you would have figured it out by now, right?”

“It's different. I've always remembered. There was nothing in particular that triggered it for me.”

“Oh… I guess I only started having weird dreams after I met Kaworu-kun,” he mused.

“Yes. He seems to have caused it.”

Shinji fell silent, not responding to Rei's conclusion. He didn't want to talk about Kaworu anymore; he was tired and it was too confusing, still.

“Hey,” he whispered, making sure she hadn't fallen asleep.

“Yes?”

Shinji hesitated before asking. “Do you ever feel weird around our parents? I called them, earlier, and when I talked to Mom, I felt like I was syncing with my Eva. I didn’t even try to talk to Dad. I was way too scared.”

“...I'm not ready to talk about this.”

“That's okay,” he said, expecting her to say that. “I don't know if I know what else to say, either.” With that, he fell asleep.

The next several days felt like an agonizingly slow blur as Shinji put the pieces of himself together. He tried to summarize his relationships with people as succinctly as he could; he thought it might help him organize his thoughts. Asuka had been, and still was, his close friend who frequently bickered with him. Rei was still the same quiet, mysterious figure whom he wanted to better understand and protect; the only major difference was that she was his sister, now. His father, however, was totally different now than he had been. Shinji was making an effort to accept the current Gendo as the true one, for the sake of his mental health.

It got easier to do as he went down his mental list of people: Yui had always been largely innocent, and Shinji felt the same about her now; Toji and Kensuke were still his heterosexual buddies; Misato was still someone he looked up to; Hikari was still Asuka's friend; that was all he needed to know, now. He was content with that.

Kaworu, however… That was a different situation. Shinji had fallen in love with him before his memories had gotten involved — or, at least, before he was aware of their involvement — but he couldn't say the same for Kaworu; Kaworu had _always_ loved him. It was too complicated of a relationship to easily condense into a few words. He may have had more ease pinpointing his feelings if he talked to Kaworu, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to give Kaworu any false hope. It would have to wait; he couldn't know for sure until he saw Kaworu again. Then, he would trust his gut response. The only way he could know what he wanted now was if he immersed himself in the present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chap will have more...movement, at least lol


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji faces another dilemma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a super long time bc i kept messing around with it but i'm pretty happy with it now!!
> 
> also i have decided this fic is going to be 14 chapters!! it was originally 12 but i realized there was more i wanted to say.
> 
> enjoy!! :)

Shinji’s return to school didn’t come without its fair share of shame. What a fool he had been to think that he could skip two weeks of class and remain caught up with his workload. He had to grovel at the feet of several of his professors, begging for their forgiveness, pleading for extensions on assignments that he hadn’t even created an empty Word document for yet. Most of them took pity on him when he explained the deep depression he had been suffocating beneath. Some of them were less understanding, but Shinji had predicted that. He had already resigned himself to accepting the late penalties.

Although the week had been difficult so far, today was the day he was most anxious about; he was returning to Professor Katsuragi's class for the first time since the incident. He assured himself with naive optimism that his classmates had already forgotten about his public breakdown. Why would anyone bother to remember something like that? People screamed in class all the time; it was no big deal, right?

He knew it was a load of barnacles, but he commended his own effort to convince himself that his classmates hadn't retained any memory of his outburst. He approached the room and felt several pairs of eyes on him in the hallway. Ducking his head, he breezed past the doorway and entered the classroom before anyone could try to talk to him — not that they usually did. 

Still, he didn’t want the distraction. He had other things to worry about. This was the first time he would be seeing Kaworu since things had come to fruition, and they had parted on shaky terms. He had already decided, after a lot of thinking, that he would focus on the present and act on his feelings as they happened, rather than dwelling on the myriad of emotions from the past. All that was left, now, was to find out how he would feel when he saw Kaworu. He had a slight fear that he would freak out again, but he was sure enough of his own emotional stability that he wasn’t _too_ worried.

He scanned the room, hoping to find the back of a familiar head. When he finally caught sight of Kaworu's fluffy hair from afar, he felt an intense urge to run to him; the feeling was so strong that his knees trembled. When he had decided to trust his gut, he realized now that this was the way he hoped he would feel. He had processed a lot of emotions and he still felt a desire to be with Kaworu — that must have counted for something. It _had_ to be trustworthy.

It may have been hypocritical to rely so heavily on his body's response; if he was fine with ignoring his gut reactions to everyone else, then he shouldn't place any importance on this feeling, either. He wanted to trust that it was emanating from his entire self, rather than just one part of his memory, but he couldn’t be sure of that. It may have been unwise to rely on a mere physiological response — but as he approached Kaworu, and as Kaworu's eyes brightened when he turned and saw him, he wondered if the feeling was really so simple.

He shuffled past Kaworu's drawn-in knees and took his usual seat, too nervous to say anything. He knew Kaworu was staring at him, but he couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes quite yet. He shuffled around in his bag for a moment longer than he needed to before finally looking over at him.

“It's nice to see you, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, smiling gently. Shinji's heart thudded when Kaworu's warm eyes met his own; rather than feeling a thick, discombobulated ball of emotions, he felt a clear desire to be close to him.

“Y-You, too,” he said, feeling a smile form as he spoke.

“I'm glad you're back. You don't need to worry about the classes you missed, either,” Kaworu said as he handed Shinji a few sheets of lined paper. “I took some notes for you. I figured you wouldn't want me to explain the last two weeks to you myself; I'm sure you're still not entirely comfortable with me.”

Shinji looked at the pages in bewilderment; he knew that Kaworu didn't typically take notes for his own use. He had gone to all that trouble, purely so that Shinji _wouldn't_ need to spend time with him? This was a new side of Kaworu that Shinji hadn't seen before.

“Oh, wow. Thank you,” he said, taking the notes from him and carefully tucking them away inside his notebook. “But you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble for me. I wouldn't have minded if you explained it to me yourself.”

Kaworu raised his eyebrows slightly. “Really?”

Shinji felt his cheeks burn preemptively. “Yeah. I, um, missed you, I guess.”

“You missed me?” Kaworu asked, smiling. “It may be selfish to say, but I'm happy to hear that. I missed you, too.”

“Yeah, um...” Shinji swallowed his nerves. “I was actually thinking a lot recently about stuff. You know how I said I needed time to think about how I feel about you?”

“Yes?” Kaworu retained his patient smile. “Did you come to a conclusion?”  
  
“Um, I think so.” He had to push himself if he wanted to keep going. He knew he couldn't contain his feelings any longer; his pulse beat in his stomach as he psyched himself up, but he couldn’t let his anxiety hold him back. He didn’t want to hesitate and keep it to himself like he had done in the past.

“...What did you decide?” Kaworu asked after Shinji remained silent for a moment too long.

“Well...” Shinji placed his shaking hand on Kaworu's arm. “I guess things are never gonna be the same, so I guess I might as well just...see how things turn out with you?”

That didn't come out the way he had intended it to, but he felt too vulnerable to share the sentiment without coating it in a thick layer of doubt. Despite his inner conviction, he couldn't resist the urge to downplay his own feelings.

Kaworu blinked as he interpreted Shinji’s words. “You mean… You want to continue seeing me?”

“Yeah. I'm not sure I could live without you now,” he said in an attempt to be humorous. He had to admit that it held some truth, though; he wasn't sure that he could have a normal relationship with someone else at this point. How could he be with someone who couldn't understand such a large facet of his psyche?

Shinji expected Kaworu to be ecstatic, but he just stared at him, frozen, expression hard to read. Perhaps Shinji hadn't chosen his words wisely.

“You're not sure you could live without me,” Kaworu repeated.

“I-I mean that in a good way!” Shinji said, trying to reassure him. “I just meant that I don't think anyone would be able to understand me like you do.”

“You don't think you could be happy with anyone else," Kaworu summarized flatly. “You think I'm the only person who can fully understand you.”

“It's not just that,” Shinji argued, not liking Kaworu's bleak tone. “I like you a lot. You know that, right?”

Kaworu's serious demeanor cracked a bit; his gaze became fond rather than cold. “Yes, I know that you like me. I like you, too,” he understated.

“Then what's wrong?” Shinji asked out of frustration. He didn’t understand why Kaworu was responding like this. Shouldn't he be overjoyed?

Kaworu gently shrugged Shinji's hand off of his arm. “Nothing's wrong. I just...need to speak with you. It can wait until after class.”

“About what?” Shinji felt like he was in trouble.

“I'll explain it later,” Kaworu said, turning away from him to face the front.

“O-Okay,” Shinji muttered. Class was starting, so they couldn’t discuss it any further.

Shinji tried to follow along with the lecture, but it was difficult to understand because he had missed the four classes prior. He hoped Kaworu's notes were thorough, because the man himself seemed unlikely to offer Shinji his tutoring services right now. He appeared to want very little to do with Shinji; he hadn't even tried to find an excuse to give Shinji a casual touch yet. That on its own was odd enough, but he seemed more reserved in general, suggesting to Shinji that something was seriously wrong. He wondered what Kaworu wanted to talk to him about.

After class, Kaworu led him to a small hallway with very little foot traffic. It was a dead end; all that was down this way was a row of unused storage lockers. The setting, coupled with Kaworu's grim expression, made Shinji uneasy.

“What's up?” Shinji asked, already sensing the tension. “Is everything okay?”

“It's about your memories,” Kaworu explained. “We might be able to do something about them, if you decide you want to. Based on what you told me earlier, it might be a good idea. I don't want you to feel trapped due to what happened in the past.”

Although the sharp pain of his trauma had slightly numbed over the past few weeks, Shinji was interested in hearing whether there was a way to remedy what remained of it. If nothing else, he hoped he would be able to lessen the frequency of his nightmares.

“Really?” He prompted, encouraging Kaworu to continue.

Kaworu nodded. “Rei called me a few days ago and brought something to my attention. I was surprised that she went out of her way to contact me, so I knew it must have been important. She explained her idea to me, and I think it has potential.”

“What was her idea?” It didn't hurt to inquire; although Kaworu still hadn't explained any specifics, the notion was tempting. Shinji's life could potentially return to normal. There wouldn't be a constant, lingering feeling in his gut that he couldn't precisely label. It would be like nothing had happened; maybe he could feel like he did before, when his feelings for Kaworu were simple and easy to understand. He liked things better then.

Kaworu seemed like he was choosing his words carefully. “My presence is what triggered it in the first place, so…” He let the sentence trail off. “Perhaps Rei is just trying to separate us again, but she seemed pretty adamant that my absence could have an effect on you over time.”

“Over time…?” Shinji asked. “How much time?” If it was a short period, he would consider it, but...if Kaworu's demeanor was anything to go by, then...

“You'll have to avoid me completely. Permanently.” Kaworu said this with a surprisingly neutral expression. “But I would be willing to do that for you, if it was what you wanted.”

Why would that be what he wanted? Shinji had _just_ decided to continue pursuing their relationship; he had no intentions of cutting him out. Besides, Kaworu was the last person Shinji had expected to suggest something like this. If _he_ thought it was a good idea, then should Shinji listen to him and leave him alone? Would it be worth it to have a chance of ridding himself of his memories? If it worked like he said it would, then it would mean that Shinji could live his life as he always had, without any significant trauma and without having complicated one-sided relationships with people who would likely never know what he was feeling. Was that worth the price of his relationship with Kaworu?

“I...don't want to do that,” he said, not wishing to think about it for a second longer. “I don't want to avoid you.”

Kaworu frowned. “It would be difficult for you to make a decision when I'm standing in front of you; especially since this is the first time you've seen me in a while. I know that you care about me, but I don't think that should be the only factor in your decision. I don't want you to worry about my feelings, either.” He paused. “I've recovered from a lot worse.”

“But I've already decided that I want to be with you,” Shinji countered.

“You decided that because it was the best possible option given the circumstances. You didn't know that the circumstances could change.” He broke eye contact, looking off to the side. “I don't want you to feel like you can't live without me. You have the power to choose how you live your life.”

“Do you not want to be with me?” Shinji asked, softly. “It sounds like you don't.”

Kaworu's frown deepened and he glared at Shinji like he was offended by the very idea. “Don't be ridiculous. I love you, Shinji-kun. I always will.”

Hearing Kaworu say that he loved him made Shinji want to say it back, but...he couldn't find the nerve, for some reason. To say it at a time like this would only cheapen his words. Kaworu was unlikely to take it seriously given the context; he would only see it as ammunition.

“Then why are you giving up so easily?” Shinji asked, instead. He knew his tone sounded pathetic.

Kaworu's arm rose, but he stopped it mid-motion and wrapped it around himself instead. Shinji wished he had let his hand reach for him.

“I'm not giving up,” Kaworu assured him. “I'm just accepting the possibility that you might be happier without me. I've always assumed that your happiness would include me, but I may have been wrong. I'm prepared, now, to bring you happiness through my absence. I realize that I may have been more of a hindrance to you all these years.”

“I would rather live with these memories than live without you,” Shinji argued, although he knew that he wasn't thinking this through as much as he should have been.

Kaworu frowned in sympathy. “It wouldn't be so bad. If you lose your memories, I probably wouldn't matter as much to you.”

Shinji huffed. “But I want you to matter!”

“Please, Shinji-kun, answer me honestly,” Kaworu pleaded. “Was your life better before this happened?”

Shinji thought hard about that. Was it better before? Was he happier? It was hard to tell, now that things were like this, but… He didn't want to admit it, but he sort of wished he could go back in time and stop himself from remembering. He couldn't say that to Kaworu, though.

“I don't care if things were better,” he said, withholding the truth. “Why won't you listen to me?”

“Because it's only been a few weeks. I doubt anything has fully sunk in yet, and you don't know how you'll feel when it does. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being isolated by your own thoughts?”

“I won't be isolated if I have you,” he argued weakly; he knew he was losing.

“You'll still be isolated from almost everyone else. I don't want you to feel like I'm all you have again. That isn’t a healthy foundation for a relationship.”

Shinji didn't have a rebuttal for that. Is that what Kaworu thought Shinji had been doing before? Clinging to him because he felt he had no one else? Shinji couldn't refute that claim; it wasn't totally wrong.

“Please, Shinji-kun. Think about it,” Kaworu begged. “For my sake, at least? I don't want to feel like I've sealed your fate by triggering your memory.”

So that's where this was coming from. Kaworu didn't want to think that Shinji was with him out of obligation; he wanted Shinji to choose him. It was understandable. If Kaworu wanted him to consider it seriously, then Shinji would make a solid effort to give it some thought. 

“I guess that makes sense,” he relented. “I'll think about it.”

“Thank you,” Kaworu said, sighing with relief.

Shinji chuckled somewhat humourlessly. “You know, it's kind of weird to hear you talk me _out_ of dating you.”

“My intention is not to talk you out of it, but to get you to see the value of each possibility. I hope you will take this seriously.”

As he looked in Kaworu's troubled eyes, Shinji felt the desire to reach out and hold him. He worried, though, that any overt gestures of affection would only push Kaworu to argue further. Still, he couldn't resist giving in.

“Before I go,” he said, “there's something I want you to do.”

“What is it?”

Shinji stepped forward, noticing how Kaworu backed up against the wall. “This is kind of embarrassing, but... Will you hold me, just for a second? I can tell that you're trying not to touch me, but I want you to.”

Kaworu held his hands up in reluctance. “Shinji-kun, I'm not sure how that's going to help…”

“Please? If all I can think about is how much I miss you, then it might cause me to make the wrong decision.” That wasn't the reason why he was asking, but he knew it would appeal to Kaworu more than anything else would.

Kaworu sighed. “I suppose you have a point. I'll do it if it will help you decide.”

It was shocking to feel Kaworu's hands on him after so long. He pulled Shinji close, holding him tightly enough that it gave away his true feelings; Shinji knew that Kaworu didn't want him to decide not to see him again, no matter how fervently he argued otherwise. 

Kaworu's arms around him were comforting; it felt right to be this close to him. It was nice to feel his warmth and to hear his unsteady breathing. He could sense Kaworu's anxiety, but it was reassuring rather than off-putting. Kaworu was just as nervous -- just as desperate as Shinji was.

If this was the last time he let himself get close to Kaworu like this, he wanted to milk it as much as he could. When Kaworu started to loosen his grip, Shinji raised himself up on his toes so he was level with him. He let his lips hover over Kaworu's for a moment, waiting for permission.

“Shinji-kun,” Kaworu chided. His tone held a warning, but he didn't push him away.

“Please,” Shinji whispered. “What if this is the last time?”

Shinji closed his eyes when Kaworu leaned in; he focused hard on the feeling of Kaworu's lips on his own. He tried to memorize the way his hands felt on his waist, how his body felt pressed up against his own. He didn't want to forget the bubbly feeling in his chest. He couldn't let himself forget how right it felt to let himself relax, melting against him. If he decided to let this go in exchange for relief from his trauma, then he hoped he could hold on to this memory. 

Shinji pulled away, looking at Kaworu, searching his eyes for a moment. He knew Kaworu truly loved him. He knew how much it would hurt him if Shinji decided to cut him out. He didn't want to be apart from Kaworu, either. But he knew he had to think about it.

“Thank you,” Shinji said softly. “That should help me think things through.”

“Please don't let me affect your decision. Base it on your own feelings.” He paused. “Please.”

They went their separate ways, then, leaving Shinji with a pit in his stomach. He couldn't get rid of the idea that he was clinging to Kaworu out of a feeling of desperation. It bothered him to think about it like that. Was that what he had been doing subconsciously this whole time, even before he had remembered?

Regardless, the only way he could think about it clearly was if he avoided Kaworu completely, which wouldn't be difficult; he had essays to work on over the next few days, so he could easily put aside any thoughts of him and focus on his tasks. He didn’t need Kaworu's help with his homework, either; luckily, their shared class didn’t have an assignment due at the end of the semester, so he could avoid him guilt-free. 

Well, it would be guilt-free in _theory,_ but he couldn't feel fully absolved when he knew that Kaworu was out there, alive, likely still suffering with guilt, and Shinji was letting him. Shinji was aware of everything Kaworu had gone through and he had still chosen to prioritize himself -- as if Kaworu hadn't put Shinji's needs before his own all along. He almost broke his promise and texted him, but he refrained. He had to take this seriously.

Besides, Kaworu had a point; it wasn't right for Shinji to choose to be with him because he felt he owed it to him, or because he felt that they needed to suffer together rather than apart. Shinji wasn't the lonely teenage boy he used to be. He had other options; there was no need to rush into a relationship with the first person to show him real affection.

There would be benefits to forgetting, too. In exchange for his relationship with Kaworu, he would no longer have to struggle with unnecessary trauma. As far as he would be concerned, nothing would have ever happened; he wouldn't have to walk on eggshells, carefully trying not to say the wrong thing to avoid potentially triggering someone else. He wouldn't have to have a moral dilemma over whether he should tell Asuka or not. The thought was blissful.

This, of course, was all hinging on whether or not Rei's hypothesis was true. It might just be a baseless claim made in desperation. Or, if he were to be more pessimistic, it could be Rei's final attempt at coaxing Shinji into dodging Kaworu for good. Shinji didn't want to believe that his sister would do something so nefarious; if she wanted to break them up, she would definitely be upfront about her intentions. She wasn't one for underhanded manipulation.

A knock sounded on his bedroom door -- it was Rei. Shinji quickly assumed an upright posture, pretending to have been working on his citations. Focusing on his schoolwork was easier said than done.

“Will you be busy this evening?” She asked, pointedly eyeing his cluttered desk.

“Um,” Shinji mumbled, looking at the mostly-empty screen in front of him. “Not really. Why?”

“I forgot to mention it, but I made you a phone appointment with one of the counsellors at school,” she told him. “They will be calling your phone this evening.”

Shinji stared blankly. “Huh?”

Rei seemed almost sheepish. “I was worried about you; you seemed to be having a rough time and I knew I wouldn't be able to help you properly. If you don't want to do it, I can cancel it for you.”

Rei was trying to help him in whatever way she could. He didn't want to disappoint her; she had gone to that effort for him, after all. Besides, it might be helpful to talk to an uninvolved third party.

“Um, no, I can do it! Thank you for doing that for me,” he said, smiling in appreciation. Rei then left him alone so he could continue pretending to work.

Later that evening, Shinji waited by his phone for the counsellor to call him. He was nervous -- phone calls were always stress-inducing -- but he knew it was important to follow through with it. He picked up the phone as soon as the call came through. The woman on the other end sounded young, and somewhat familiar, but Shinji was sure that his mind was playing tricks on him. She didn't give her name, although she asked Shinji for _his_ name, and his student number, and his address, and his date of birth...and, eventually, the reason for the appointment.

“Um, I guess I wanted to talk about...an issue I've been having with a bunch of repressed memories suddenly resurfacing,” he explained, trying to sound as sane as possible.

She hummed absently. “What kind of memories?”

“Scary ones,” he admitted. “About people I know.”

“Are you currently in danger?” She asked, sounding more alert.

“No! No, they're not like that anymore!” He swallowed. “Please don't think I'm crazy --”

“I won't.”

“-- but I've been having memories of a past life.”

“...Oh.”

Shinji braced himself. “Several past lives, actually. Please hear me out.”

“...Okay.”

He took a deep breath before getting into it. “So, my boyfriend -- well, not my boyfriend, I guess, but anyway -- kept making me kill him so he wouldn't end up killing _me_ by proxy. And my sister was a clone of my mom, and she kept getting injured and killed and put in new bodies, and she didn't have an identity, she just did whatever she was told. And my friend -- she's my roommate, now -- she had this whole thing with _her_ mom, and she felt like she needed to be the best to win people's love, and she was angry and rude but deep down she didn't value herself at all. And there was this other guy that I was forced to fight, kind of, and he got injured, and he's my friend now. We all had to fight in these giant robots, which weren't actually robots, they were... Well, that part doesn't matter so much now, I guess. But the whole thing was orchestrated by my dad and his friends, because my mom was dead and my dad missed her and wanted to...bring her back by recreating the world, I think? I was never really clear on the specifics of his plans.”

“...Okay,” she said, again.

“So, now, everything is fine. My sister has memories, too, and so does my...uh, so does the guy who kept dying. But nobody else remembers. My dad loves me, now, and he loves my sister, and my mom is alive, and my friend's mom is alive, and everyone is happy.”

He felt like he could breathe more easily than before. It was surprisingly therapeutic to unload his feelings on a complete stranger who probably thought that he had lost his mind.

“I'm genuinely unsure how to respond,” the counsellor said after a few seconds of stunned silence.

Shinji nodded to himself; he had expected as much. “I guess I just needed someone to listen to me.”

“...Can I give you some advice?”

“Sure,” he said, although he wasn't confident that she would be able to offer him anything helpful.

“If things are fine, now, then focus on that. Don't dwell too much on how things used to be; especially not with the people who don't remember. They aren't responsible for what they did in a past life. Neither are you.”

“...I guess,” he reluctantly agreed.

“You could take this as an opportunity to appreciate the way things are now. You said you're not in any danger, right? So why don't you enjoy that?”

“Well, that's true, but…” He waffled a bit, but ultimately decided to explain this to her -- if she was following him so far, he might as well keep going. “I might have the option to forget and go back to normal. If I stop seeing the guy who also has memories -- like, never see him again -- then the memories might go away. We think he might have triggered them. He really, really wants me to think about it.”

“Why does he want you to do that?”

“I think he wants me to feel like I have an option. In the past, I guess I've never really been able to choose how things turned out. He wants me to decide for myself without considering his feelings, because he thinks I only want to be with him because I think I have no other choice.” He paused. “Does that make any sense?”

“It does, and it sounds like he really cares about you. Do you think you'll do it?”

“I don't know. It would make things easier if I could just go back to normal. But it kind of feels like I would be throwing a part of myself away. And I miss him, even now -- the guy, I mean. I don't want to avoid him. But if I forget, then I would forget about him, too, and my feelings might not be as strong, so it might be easier that way.”

“Do you want to forget him?”

“...No. I guess I don't. But there are things I wish I could forget. I don't know which one matters more to me.”

“The decision is up to you, but you should also consider how it may affect other people. I know he said he doesn't want you to think about his feelings, but I think he's being needlessly selfless. And that's not fair to you; it's too big of a decision to make on your own.”

“Yeah, I'm finding it difficult to _not_ think about how it would affect him,” he admitted.

“But don't only think about him; your sister is in the same situation. They'll both continue to remember whether you forget or not, right?” She paused. “Of course, your own mental health is also a big priority. Don't do something that will cause you a lot of difficulty.”

The appointment ended shortly after, leaving Shinji feeling in better spirits but not much closer to making a decision. He was leaning one way — he wanted to keep seeing Kaworu, and he wasn't ready to let him go again. But was this feeling temporary? If they continued their relationship, would he grow to resent Kaworu for perpetuating the revival of his memories? He wasn't sure. He wasn't sure how much it mattered, either.

If he chose to be with Kaworu, he was choosing to live with trauma and unresolvable feelings. He was choosing to join Kaworu in his suffering, making it so they would only have each other -- and Rei, if she was ever willing to talk about it — to depend on in that regard. It wasn't easy to determine whether that was healthy or not.

But if he chose to leave him alone, if he chose to forget, then he was essentially living a falsehood. He would forget the real events that had shaped him into the person he was now. Wouldn't that make him a husk of the person he used to be? Surely, it was important to learn from his past and grow from it, right? It would be foolish to lose his valuable life experience...wouldn't it?

Hadn't he been a complete person before this, though? He hadn't felt as though he had been missing anything. Asuka didn't remember, either, and she had a full identity. She was likely better off without the trauma. There must have been a reason why Rei and Kaworu had never intended on Shinji recovering his memories. Were they just afraid of what might happen, or was the trauma worse than he realized? Kaworu was right; it had only been a few weeks. What if it got harder to deal with over time?

Shinji lay there with his earbuds in, letting the same song play on loop. It felt nostalgic. He thought about it all night, studying the specks on his ceiling, but didn't come any closer to a conclusion. He didn't get much homework done, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is gonna be much more fun to read. i will not elaborate lol


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji makes a decision, and, um. Things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flight attendant voice* please direct your attention to this fic’s new Explicit rating.
> 
> the last few chapters have been a bit of a bummer lol, and i have kept the boys separate for so long that. um. this chapter kind of got out of hand in terms of length. it’s more than double my usual chapter length LOL. i couldn’t bring myself to cut anything out though

It was difficult to avoid Kaworu when he knew he didn’t really want to. Shinji had spent the last few classes sitting at the back of the room, a few rows behind Kaworu, distracted by the back of his head. Why was the back of his head so cute? His hair was always fluffed up in the back; it made Shinji want to comb through it with his fingers. He knew it was soft, too, from his own experience. It made him want to stop Kaworu on his way out of the classroom and ask if he could pet him for a few minutes, but that was something he couldn’t do for two reasons: the first being that he wouldn’t approach Kaworu until he was one-hundred-percent sure of his decision, and the second being that it was weird to pet someone in public. It was also pretty weird to do that in private, now that he thought about it.

So, Shinji spent the next several days going through the same motions, pondering the same things he had been pondering, coming to the same conclusions every time but still ending up feeling unsure of himself. He kept wavering on his stance until the end of the semester loomed ahead. Although their shared class would resume in the new year, it wasn’t fair to either of them for Shinji to delay his decision until then. 

When the final class of the semester came around, Shinji still felt unsure. His mind was so scrambled that he missed the bus; he had to wait for the next one, but it would get him to class a few minutes late. Even as he sat on the bench at the bus stop, and eventually on the bus itself, he wasn’t able to come to a conclusion that felt satisfying. But he _had_ to decide today. If he didn’t do it now, he probably never would, and he would end up cutting Kaworu out by default. He didn’t want that… Or did he?

For the first time in his life, he sprinted to class — he had never cared this much about making it to class before. According to his phone, he was already two minutes late, but that was fine; he could make this important decision quickly on the spot, right? 

The building was within sight; his heart raced from more than just exertion. He jogged up the stairs to the entrance, and then up another set of stairs, and then another… Since when were there so many stairs?

He got to class, finally, panting heavily and leaning against the wall outside the room for support. Steeling himself, he stepped through the doorway, but he couldn’t bring himself to take another step. The professor was about to start lecturing, and other tardy students were shoving past him to quickly find a seat, but Shinji couldn't move. He was frozen, staring at the back of Kaworu's head. That fluffy, fluffy hair...

As he stood there, he felt more and more that the counsellor had been right; he couldn’t make the decision entirely based on his own wants. It felt hollow and pointless. He had to consider Kaworu's feelings, too. It wasn’t fair for Shinji to punish Kaworu for something that happened by accident. It wasn’t his fault that Shinji had recalled his memories, and it wasn’t like Kaworu could forget them, either. How could he do something as cruel as making him suffer on his own? 

His mind was made up. He shuffled down to his usual row and stood there, waiting for Kaworu to move his notebook so he could go past him. Kaworu just looked up at him, stunned; Shinji's knees felt a bit weak when their eyes met.

He bounced on his heels impatiently; Professor Katsuragi was beginning to speak already. “Come on,” he whispered. “Move. I need to sit down.”

Kaworu blinked, coming out of his state of shock. “Of course. My apologies.”

Shinji sat down and pulled out his notebook and pencil in record time. He couldn’t revel in the bliss of embracing his heart’s desire — he had notes to take. This class was a review of the important topics they had covered so far, which Shinji usually would have skipped, but he needed it this time. Well, maybe he didn’t need it, now; Kaworu could return to his position as Shinji’s unpaid tutor. Still, he wanted to focus, if for no other reason than to take his mind off the situation he was in.

Although he wanted to pay close attention to the material, he found himself a bit distracted. Seeing Misato teaching a class, acting strictly professional, was kind of weird. He hadn’t given it much thought, but she seemed much more mature than she had before. He wondered if she was still an alcoholic. He wondered if she was still with Kaji. Where _was_ Kaji, anyway? And Ritsuko? And Maya, and Aoba, and Hyuga, and Fuyutsuki... Did she know any of them? Did Gendo?

Regardless, none of that mattered; he didn't need to feel like he was missing out on an opportunity by not getting to know Misato like he had before. Although their distance made him uncomfortable, he couldn't cling to everything from the past; he didn't want to, either.

Eventually, the final class of the semester came to an end, and he finally had a chance to speak to Kaworu properly. As the room erupted with chatter from other students, Shinji turned to face him, finding Kaworu watching him expectantly.

“So, I assume that the fact that you’re sitting with me means that you’ve made up your mind?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Shinji nodded. “I’ve decided that I would rather be with you than get rid of my memories,” he admitted, knowing as he said it that it was the right choice.

Kaworu remained surprisingly calm. “And you’re sure about this?”

“Yes,” Shinji insisted. “It's not because I think I have no other choice, or because I'm lonely, or because I feel indebted. I just want to be with you. I don't want to waste this opportunity we've been given.”

Kaworu was suppressing a smile. “You're really willing to take on the burden of your memories for me?”

Shinji reached for his hand, holding it gently. “You've sacrificed yourself so many times; I can sacrifice something for you, now. And it's not that I think I owe it to you; I just want to, because I…” He looked around the nearby seats to see if anyone was listening. “Because I love you. I love you the way you are now, and I love every other version of you. I don't want to forget the time we've spent together.”

Kaworu’s smile broke through. “What a wonderful feeling, to hear you tell me that.” He raised Shinji’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. “Of course, the feeling is reciprocated.”

“I-I know that,” Shinji assured him.

“You love me,” Kaworu repeated. “And you love me enough to tell me. I could die, right now, and not feel like my life had been wasted.”

“Please don’t say that,” Shinji said. He knew how much Kaworu meant that, and he didn’t like it.

“I’m sorry for saying something disturbing. I’m just... _so_ happy. I’m beside myself.”

The lecture hall was emptying, so they really should have been leaving, but Kaworu hadn't budged. He was just sitting there, smiling at Shinji, still holding his hand.

“Shouldn't we leave the classroom?” Shinji asked, looking around nervously. “There might be another class coming in here after this…”

“You’re right; I can fawn over you in the hallway.”

They collected their belongings and left the room, but they only made it partway down the hallway before Kaworu stopped, turning back towards Shinji again with a slightly sheepish expression.

“I didn’t want to do this in the classroom, for obvious reasons, but I don’t think I can wait any longer,” he explained. “I'm so thankful that you chose me.” He placed a hand on Shinji’s cheek, leaning in.

Although they were very much still in a public place, Shinji let Kaworu kiss him, softly, for a few seconds longer than he should have. Why not, right? They were lucky enough to have the opportunity to live a normal life; he may as well do something risky in honor of the Shinjis of the past who never had the guts.

“I'm sorry to interrupt...” A woman's voice said, in a tone that suggested she had no issue in forcing them to separate. Shinji opened his eyes and saw that it was the professor, holding some papers out towards him.

“M-Misato-san!” Shinji cried, blushing profusely.

Professor Katsuragi's brow furrowed. “Um… Please call me 'Professor Misato,' at least. I have an assignment of yours to return. I didn't get a chance to do it before class since you came in late. I suppose it could have waited until next semester, though…”

“Thank you… Sorry you had to see that.” Shinji felt his face flare even hotter; he couldn’t believe he had called her that! He took the stapled bundle of papers from her silently, speechless, both feet firmly in his mouth. That had been truly reprehensible.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” She said, looking at him seriously. “This semester seemed pretty rough for you.”

“I-I guess it was kind of chaotic, wasn’t it?” He asked, laughing awkwardly, looking between the professor and Kaworu. He knew that she was referring to his breakdown and subsequent two-week absence; he didn’t want to be reminded of it. He didn’t like that the memory of him freaking out existed in the minds of others. 

“At least it’s over,” Kaworu reasoned.

“Exactly,” she said, smiling. “I hope you two have a restful break.”

“You too,” Kaworu said as she walked away.

Shinji didn’t reply; he was still mortified. Kaworu patted his back in sympathy.

“It’s okay, Shinji-kun,” he said, trying to be soothing. “You'll stop making mistakes like that eventually.”

“It's fine,” Shinji croaked, not sounding like he believed himself.

“My offer still stands if you'd rather forget,” Kaworu said, too casual about it.

Shinji shot him a glare, quickly replacing his self-hatred with irritation. “Absolutely not. I meant what I said earlier. It wasn’t an easy thing to decide. If I’m saying I want to be with you, then that’s what I am totally sure of! I know you wanted me to take it very seriously.”

Kaworu seemed apologetic. “I didn't mean to doubt you; I believe that you considered your options carefully. I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you to make that decision in the first place.”

“Do you really trust my decision?” Shinji asked, eyeing him with suspicion.

“I do,” Kaworu insisted. “I trust that you’ve thought it through. I can’t help but feel wary about entering a relationship with you, though. It’s odd; I feel a sort of compulsion to exit your life. I suppose I've conditioned myself to feel this way.”

“I get it,” Shinji said, expression softening. “But you have to believe me. I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he doesn’t belong with me.”

“Your boyfriend,” Kaworu repeated, zeroing in on the words.

“That’s what you are, right?” Shinji asked, worrying that he had said something wrong. “If we’re in a relationship, then…”

“That’s right. I cannot believe that this day has finally come,” Kaworu said, seeming like it was really sinking in. “Ikari Shinji-kun is my boyfriend. It only took…” He checked his bare wrist as if he were looking at a watch. "A hundred years?”

Shinji chuckled at his lame joke. “You’re very patient. Thank you for waiting for me.”

It may have been in response to a joke, but the meaning behind Shinji’s words was true. He was grateful that Kaworu hadn’t given up on him, or accepted the false reality that any relationship between them would always be doomed to fail.

“I will always wait for you, Shinji-kun,” he promised. “Only a fool would quit on you.”

Shinji hated to leave Kaworu so soon after his heartfelt confession, but he had procrastinated many of his assignments and he couldn’t put them off any longer, so he had to hurry home. As usual, Kaworu offered to wait at the bus stop with him. The normalcy was refreshing; it was almost like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

“Oh, that reminds me,” Kaworu said, although Shinji had said nothing to prompt him. “Now that I can call you my boyfriend,” Kaworu said, eyes still twinkling when he said the word, “I would like to take you on a date again. All of you, this time.”

Oh, jeez. This would surely be retribution for the last time, when Shinji had insisted Kaworu rein in his impulses and go on a casual date with him. What would Kaworu have up his sleeve? What kind of monster had Shinji brought forth by making Kaworu stifle his creativity the first time around?

“Did you have anything in particular in mind?” Shinji asked, reluctant, almost not wanting to know.

“Maybe,” Kaworu said with a lilt. “It’s a secret.”

“Please don’t make it anything embarrassing,” Shinji said with a bit of a whine.

Kaworu shook his head assertively. “I won’t; I promise. I know you better than you think, Shinji-kun.”

That was a fine sentiment, but it didn’t do much to clarify things. Kaworu refused to elaborate further, no matter how incessant Shinji’s nagging became. Shinji started to doubt that Kaworu had anything planned to begin with.

The day of their second-first date came around and Shinji still hadn’t received any guidance. Frustrated, he texted Kaworu as a last-ditch attempt at getting a useful hint.

“Seriously, what are you planning?” He typed. “I need to know what to wear.”

Kaworu responded promptly. “Wear whatever you feel comfortable in, my darling.”

Shinji felt bubbly when he read his message, but he wasn’t about to let himself get distracted by Kaworu’s sweet-talking. “That isn’t very helpful.”

“What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter what you wear,” he said cryptically. Shinji gave up on digging for information and wore something he usually wore, trusting that Kaworu wouldn't mislead him. 

Shortly after their brief text conversation, Kaworu arrived to meet him. Shinji opened the door to find him standing there, smiling, holding a bouquet of flowers. He wasn’t wearing anything weird, and he didn’t appear to have anything else with him. Perhaps this really was going to be a normal date, and Shinji had worried for nothing.

“These are for you,” Kaworu said, although it was obvious. He held the bouquet out for Shinji to take.

Shinji picked up the flowers, sniffing them cautiously. “What am I supposed to do with these?”

“You...put them in a vase…” Kaworu said slowly. “Have you never received flowers before?”

“No… Is that weird?” Shinji asked, feeling foolish due to his inexperience.

“...I guess not,” Kaworu said, likely just to make Shinji feel better. “I had just assumed that someone would have given them to you at some point.”

“I-I've never… Asuka is the only person I've ever dated, before you, and she wasn't really the romantic type.” He paused. “Well, she wasn't like that with _me,_ at least.”

“Oh. What a shame. I'm shocked to hear that nobody has treated you the way that you deserve,” he said, reaching out as if to tuck a piece of loose hair behind Shinji’s ear, although his hair was too short for it to be necessary.

With Kaworu’s assistance, the flowers were put in the only empty vase Shinji could find. He left them on the kitchen table, half-hoping to make Rei and Asuka a little bit jealous of the attention he was getting.

“So, can you finally tell me where we’re going?” Shinji asked as they headed out.

“I'm not going to take you anywhere crazy; don't worry,” Kaworu assured. “We're just going to my apartment. We can be alone there.”

“Then why did you come so far out of your way to meet me? You could have just stayed home…”

“I was eager to see you,” he admitted. “And I wanted to bring you flowers.” 

It was ridiculous for him to have gone to so much trouble, but it made sense that Kaworu wanted to go above and beyond for him. Shinji could see a trace of the fifteen-year-old kid who was in eager pursuit of his crush; it had been a long while since he had seen a Kaworu who was anything less than composed, so this show of honest vulnerability was nice.

After a somewhat long bus ride — which Shinji would have found less tolerable had he not had company — they arrived at Kaworu’s apartment. It was small, which made sense since he lived alone, but it was totally unlike his cold, lifeless room in Nerv, which was the only other living space he had ever associated with Kaworu. Compared to that, this seemed cozy and welcoming.

As he looked around, Shinji noticed a piano in the corner of the living room; it took up so much space that it must have been important to Kaworu, otherwise he wouldn’t have made room for it.

“Do you get a lot of use out of that piano?” Shinji asked, feeling like it wasn’t a totally stupid question. Kaworu had mentioned that his parents put pressure on him to play as a child, but that didn’t mean he still did it now.

“Yes, I do. It reminds me of you,” he confessed.

“Oh… Right,” Shinji said, thinking back to when Kaworu showed him how to play.

“It's a shame I don't have a cello, too; we could have played together. We never did get the chance, did we?” Kaworu asked, wistful.

“I-I don't know how to play the cello anymore…”

“What about piano?” Kaworu asked. “Did you retain anything from my rigorous teaching?”

Shinji scoffed. “Of course not; that was a long time ago.”

“It hasn't been that long,” Kaworu said, stepping in closer. “I can teach you again, though.”

“Yeah, maybe someday,” Shinji mused.

Kaworu was looking at him expectantly.

“N-Now?”

“For old times' sake?” Kaworu asked, hopeful. Had this been the reason he had brought Shinji here?

“Um, I guess that’s fine,” Shinji said with a noncommittal shrug. “You’ll have to be patient with me, though.”

“Of course.”

Kaworu led Shinji to the bench, instructing him to sit. Kaworu, however, remained standing; he stood behind Shinji, leaning forward so he could guide his fingers on the keys. He was explaining something to Shinji about the song he was going to show him. He kept leaning closer, though, and his breath was hot on Shinji's ear, making it hard to pay attention. It wasn’t often that he had someone this close to him; especially not someone who had such strong feelings towards him. He couldn’t do much to stop his mind from wandering to places it probably shouldn’t have been going.

“Can you play that again for me?”

Oh, Kaworu had been showing him something?

“Um, sorry,” Shinji mumbled in apology. “I had trouble focusing. You're distracting me.”

“Me? Distracting you?” He let his lips make contact with the outer edge of Shinji's ear. Shinji felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle.

Shinji tensed his shoulders up towards his ears. “Y-Yeah, that's a little distracting!”

Kaworu chuckled. “Okay. I'll show you again, but you have to get it right this time.”

Shinji was prepared to do his best. He watched carefully as Kaworu started to show him the sequence again, but he ultimately failed; his eyes unfocused as he felt Kaworu drag a line of hot kisses down the side of his neck. He followed the same path back up, sucking at his skin slightly harder. Shinji tried to focus on the melody of the keys, at least, but even that was near impossible. He shivered as the cool air hit the now-wet patch of skin.

“Did you get that?” Kaworu asked, back at Shinji's ear.

“T-That's so unfair…”

“Hm? What is?” Kaworu asked, slowly trailing his fingers up the length of Shinji's arm.

“You're doing this on purpose!”

Kaworu brought his hand to Shinji's jaw, tilting his face up towards him. “And why would I want to do that?”

Shinji had an inkling as to why. Kaworu's face was inches from his own, making him want to bring him closer, but his own stubbornness got in the way. Kaworu had brought him here to play piano, hadn't he? He wouldn't give up this easily, no matter how raging his boner was. He would not be swayed!

Shinji peered at him with skepticism. “I don't think you really care if I learn piano or not.”

“Of course I care, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu relented, letting go of Shinji’s jaw. “Would you like to try again?”

“Y-You're just gonna do something again!”

Kaworu shook his head. “I promise I won't,” he said firmly.

He kept his promise; he really didn't do anything. He gently placed his fingers over Shinji's, manipulating the keys for him. Shinji focused on the sound, paying close attention to which keys Kaworu was pressing. Kaworu hummed the same melody in his ear while he pressed the keys. Somehow, this was more erotic. He felt his own breath pick up as he carefully studied Kaworu's elegant fingers, now that he was able to pay close attention.

“Surely, you can play that now,” Kaworu said as he moved to sit on the bench beside Shinji. “I'll do the accompanying part.”

Kaworu held his fingers in position over the keys, ready to play, but Shinji remained still. He could have played it if he wanted to; the sequence was clear in his mind. Despite that, he found himself distracted again. His gaze was fixed on Kaworu's fingers, still, and he had half a mind to do something stupid.

“Shinji-kun?” Kaworu prompted, trying to reclaim his attention.

Shinji's eyes followed the knuckles of Kaworu's index finger. He had a pulsing urge to slip it in his mouth.

“Do you seriously need me to show you… again…” Kaworu partially asked, though he faltered when Shinji took his hand and raised it to his face.

“You have really pretty hands,” he murmured before pressing a chaste kiss to his fingertips.

“Now you're the one derailing things, Shinji-kun…”

“I've always liked them,” Shinji continued, ignoring Kaworu's comment. It was his own fault for seducing him, anyway. He adjusted so he was straddling the piano bench, facing Kaworu directly. Kaworu did the same, quickly realizing that Shinji's interest in the instrument was waning.

Kaworu tried to pull his hand back — probably with the intention of using it to touch Shinji — but Shinji kept his grip on him, still holding his fingertips against his lips. He peeked his tongue out and flitted it along the pads of his fingers, enjoying Kaworu's slight flinch in response. He wanted to see him react more, so he slid Kaworu's first two fingers halfway into his mouth, nudging them apart with his tongue, swirling over them in a figure-eight motion.

“S-Shinji-kun,” Kaworu breathed. His cheeks had turned pink. If he truly wanted to, he could have pulled his hand away, but he let it hang limp in Shinji's grasp.

Shinji sucked on his fingers harder, bringing them deeper into his mouth, not feeling shameful about his actions. He could no longer suppress the years and years of pent-up desire; he was desperate for any kind of meagre contact, for Kaworu to feel him in any way beyond the surface. He let his teeth graze Kaworu's skin, making him want to bite down on him. He wished his mouth was fuller. It felt too empty.

He released Kaworu's fingers and drew him in closer; he wanted more stimulation, he wanted to feel Kaworu's tongue in his mouth, he wanted Kaworu's hands on him — both of his hands. He didn't suppress the gasp that escaped when Kaworu kissed him hard, their hot open mouths colliding. Having Kaworu's mouth on his own was more satisfying than his fingers; he could more easily sense the passion Kaworu was feeling, and it made Shinji feel it that much more intensely.

“Kaworu-kun, I want...more…” Shinji said breathlessly, still half-pressed against Kaworu's mouth. “I want to feel you more.” He dragged his finger along the fly of Kaworu's pants, pressing against the growing firmness underneath.

“What do you want to do?”

Shinji drew back and kept his gaze low. He was too shy, even now, to tell him.

Kaworu laughed under his breath. “I need you to say it,” he murmured, gently raising Shinji's chin with his knuckle.

Shinji flattened his hand against Kaworu instead of answering, feeling a vague approximation of his cock as it was confined by his clothes. Kaworu groaned, low and quiet, but it was more than enough to spur Shinji on further. All Shinji had done was suck on his fingers, and he was hard. He was hard because of something Shinji — plain old Shinji — had done. How could Shinji bring himself to hesitate, when he was wanted by someone like him?

“I want to feel you...inside me,” he said, still unwilling to be too specific.

“You mean, you want me to…?”

“Y-Yes.”

Kaworu exhaled a shaky breath. “Are you sure, Shinji-kun?”

“Yes, I'm sure.”

His hands found Shinji's waist. “You really want that?”

“Yes,” Shinji repeated; he would say it as many times as he had to. “I think I've wanted it for a long time.”

“You have no idea what that means to me,” Kaworu whispered, seeming dazed, like he wasn’t sure if this was really happening. He raised himself up on one knee, sliding it in between Shinji's legs and pressing into him. Shinji let his hips move against him, finding some relief in the pressure. He palmed at Kaworu again in return; Kaworu sighed at the contact.

“I'm so...happy to hear that you want to…” Kaworu struggled to get the words out. “I'm so happy that you want to take me in.”

“I'm glad you want to do it, too,” Shinji murmured, although he hadn’t had a doubt about it.

“I've always wanted to do it… I've always dreamt about it,” Kaworu assured, peppering kisses along Shinji's jawline between his statements. His hips started to grind with more urgency against Shinji's hand, clearly too excited to think about anything beyond this moment. “I-I'm not sure if we're going to get to it tonight, though.”

Kaworu pushed Shinji flat against the bench, so desperate that he couldn't control himself any longer. He lined his hips with Shinji's, half-straddling him, so he could grind their cocks together as directly as he could given the circumstances. Shinji pulled him close, kissing him, fisting his hands in the fabric of his shirt. He knew he could come like that if they kept going; he knew they both could, but he didn't want it to end like that. Not yet.

“Hold on,” he said, pushing a hand against Kaworu's chest.

Kaworu stopped moving, then backed away completely. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, um, that's a bit of an understatement, actually,” he said with a chuckle. “But, I mean… We've never done this before, so I think we owe it to ourselves to take it slower.”

“You're right.” Kaworu helped Shinji sit up. “I'm sure this bench isn't comfortable on your back, either. We can go to my room instead.”

When they got there, Shinji took a moment to look around Kaworu's bedroom; the light was off, so he couldn't see much. Nearby, on his dresser, there was a framed photograph. He picked it up to look at it more closely. It depicted a teenaged Kaworu, the Kaworu from his memories, standing between two adults whom Shinji assumed were his parents. Nobody in the picture was smiling.

Kaworu walked up behind him, putting his hand on the small of Shinji's back. He took the frame and set it face-down on the dresser without explanation. He then led Shinji to the bed; it creaked when Shinji sat on it.

“Do you want to pick up where we left off?” He asked with a gentle smile.

Shinji nodded, worried that his voice wasn’t steady enough to speak. His eyelids fluttered shut when he felt Kaworu's lips press against his own, much more softly than before. He parted his lips slightly as Kaworu did the same. This was different than it had been by the piano. They were on a bed, now, and the simple change in setting was enough to kill whatever boldness had erupted within Shinji a few minutes ago. Beds were where people had sex — he was going to have _sex_ with Kaworu! That was kind of intimidating... But he didn’t want to stop. Besides, this wasn’t so bad; it was nothing compared to what they had just been doing in the living room.

It slowly devolved, though, as their mouths opened wider; their tongues began to mingle in the open space, making Shinji feel like his head was spinning. He was thankful for the rush, though; it helped to dampen his anxiety, making it easier for him to remain in the moment. He let his hands blindly search Kaworu’s body, feeling his hair, his back, his arms; he trailed his hand down Kaworu’s side and gingerly reached his fingers under the hem of his shirt, gasping when he felt the warmth of his skin. His curiosity wasn't stronger than his fear of potentially embarrassing himself, though, so he abandoned that line of action and tangled his fingers in Kaworu's hair again. Ugh, it was so fluffy.

Kaworu’s hands began to map out Shinji’s body, as well; Shinji felt them roam, not focusing on any area in particular, until he felt him slip his warm hand under Shinji’s shirt in return. However, Kaworu was much more daring than Shinji had been. He gently pushed Shinji back against the bed as he slid his hands up his shirt, splaying out his fingers along his ribcage. Shinji moaned softly against Kaworu's open mouth, overwhelmed by the feeling of Kaworu's hands on his skin.

“I think we should take our clothes off,” Kaworu bluntly suggested. “They're getting in the way.”

Shinji felt kind of stupid, but he couldn’t stop himself from averting his eyes as Kaworu undressed next to him. He could see him in his peripherals, but the room was dark, so he couldn’t make out much; just a lot of exposed skin. He felt his own breath quicken out of equal parts excitement and anxiety as Kaworu callously tossed their clothes to the floor and returned to his position over him. 

While Kaworu continued to explore Shinji's body with his hands, Shinji let his bare legs entwine with Kaworu's. He lifted his foot and traced a line up the back of Kaworu's calf with his toe, tempted to go further up his leg, and maybe wrap his legs around Kaworu's hips, but too timid to follow through. His body urged him to do more; he wanted to take Kaworu's hips in his hands and grind their bodies together, but he was afraid of doing something stupid. Shinji had never done anything like this before.

Kaworu pulled back, gazing at Shinji with lidded eyes. His hair was dishevelled from Shinji's incessant tousling, and his lips were redder than they had been fifteen minutes ago. As Shinji let his gaze fall, lingering on Kaworu’s upper body, it struck him that this was his first time seeing Kaworu all grown up. He had seen him naked in previous incarnations — mostly because of Kaworu's lack of physical inhibitions around him —but he had never had the chance to see him as an adult.

He hadn't noticed it before because he hadn't had anything to compare Kaworu to, but he saw the difference now. He wasn't a boy anymore; his body was strong where it had once been waifish. It was a welcome realization. Although Shinji was aware that he was still rather slender, he wondered if Kaworu was thinking the same thing about him.

“You're bigger, now,” Kaworu noted, confirming Shinji's theory. “I like it.”

“You are, too.” 

Kaworu hummed. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” he said, letting his eyes roam over his body again. He trailed his hand over Kaworu's chest, relieved to see that he wasn't bony anymore. His hand continued its path down Kaworu's arm; there was thickness there due to muscles that hadn't yet developed before. Too timid to explore any further, he looped his arms around Kaworu's shoulders again, offhandedly noting their breadth.

Shinji cleared his throat. “You're...different, now.”

Kaworu smiled. “Do you like me?” He asked, playful.

Shinji met his eyes. “I-I’ve always thought you were… I’ve always been attracted to you, you know.” He let a finger trail down the front of Kaworu’s body, but stopped before it reached beyond his navel. “I have to admit that I like you better like this, though.”

“Tell me more,” Kaworu prompted, holding Shinji’s hand against his chest. “Tell me what you like about me.”

“I-I guess I never really have, huh?” Shinji said with a nervous laugh, feeling awkward to be put on the spot like this. “Um, okay. Well, I like...your eyes?”

“Hm, really?” Kaworu asked, leaning down to kiss Shinji’s neck. “Keep going.”

“U-Um, I like your whole face, actually. You’re really cute.”

“You think I’m cute? That’s sweet.” He let his hips fall against Shinji’s, grinding down against him. “What else?”

Shinji’s mouth fell open, moaning softly at the sensation of Kaworu's cock directly against his own. It was a much-needed relief to have Kaworu seemingly read his mind and do the things he was too afraid to do. It made it difficult to keep talking, but he wanted to try his best.

“I like your fingers,” he confessed. “They’re nice.”

“You really like them, don’t you?” He purred.

“Y-Yeah,” Shinji choked out, brain swimming in dopamine from Kaworu’s movements, making his response time a little slower.

“Do you want me to put them in you?”

“That’s... I mean…”

“Do you?”

“...Yes,” Shinji mumbled, hiding his face against Kaworu’s shoulder.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed about it. I’m happy to oblige you.”

Kaworu then got up and sat back on his heels; Shinji bemoaned the loss of contact, but he took the opportunity to let his eyes trail further down Kaworu's body. Half of him was still emotional over seeing Kaworu reach maturity; the other half was intimidated by his size. What would it feel like, he wondered? Unable to resist satiating his curiosity, Shinji reached out, wrapping his fingers around Kaworu's cock.

“S-Shinji-kun, you don’t need to do that,” Kaworu said, breathless, falling forward on his hands.

“I want to,” Shinji whispered, and he meant it. “Lean back a bit.”

Kaworu reclined on his elbows. “You really don't need to do anything to me,” he insisted.

“I want you to know that I'm into you, too. I don't want you to worry that this is one-sided anymore.” He leaned in closer, resting Kaworu’s cock against his cheek. “You want me to be more open about my feelings, right?”

“T-That’s not the issue,” Kaworu stammered. He seemed like he wanted to look away but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Was he really that close? Was the sight of Shinji holding his cock like this too much for him?

“Don’t worry. I won’t do it for very long,” he conceded.

He angled his cock up towards his mouth. It was hot; he could feel the heat radiating from it against his lips before he had even made contact. Just as he was about to trail his tongue over the head, he looked back up at Kaworu, finding him watching Shinji intently with a hand over his mouth. Shinji hadn’t even done anything yet, and he already looked wrecked; it gave Shinji some self-confidence to know that he had such an effect on him.

Finally, he let his tongue loll out, tentatively dragging it over the slit. There was a slight bitterness, but it didn’t repulse him. He knew that it was his precome he was tasting, and it encouraged him further, making him want to taste more of him. He pushed the head past his lips, intending on going slowly, but the fullness in his mouth was so good that he couldn’t resist taking in as much as he could. He glanced up at Kaworu again — he looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“You...should probably...stop,” Kaworu suggested, panting heavily.

If his mouth weren’t full, Shinji would have said, “Already?” He had barely gotten started. Despite his desire to continue, he took Kaworu’s hint, but he couldn’t suppress the urge to suck as he rose back up.

He hadn’t even had the chance to sit up straight before Kaworu was on him again, kissing him deeply, hands grabbing at whatever parts of him they could reach.

“I can’t wait any longer to be inside you,” he murmured. “As long as that’s still what you want.”

“I-It is,” Shinji said, feeling anxiety bubbling within him as he said it.

Kaworu smiled. “Good.” He kissed Shinji on the tip of his nose, then shuffled across the bed. Shinji heard a drawer open and close, and when Kaworu returned to his spot, he was holding a small plastic bottle. “If you decide that you don't want to do this anymore, at any point, please tell me,” he urged.

“I'll be fine.”

Kaworu looked at him sternly. “Promise that you'll tell me if you don't feel right.”

“Okay, I will. I promise.”

Kaworu put his hands on Shinji's inner thighs, pushing his legs further open. It was shocking to be in such a vulnerable position, but he took a deep breath to relax. Nothing would happen unless Shinji wanted it to. He trusted that Kaworu would be gentle with him; the last thing he would want to do was make this an unpleasant experience for Shinji. He trusted Kaworu with whatever he wanted to do.

“W-What are you waiting for?”

“I've never seen you like this. I want to savour it.”

Shinji waited, fingers twitching against the sheets in anticipation. He didn't want to rush Kaworu; he had been waiting so long for this moment and Shinji didn't want to take that away from him. He felt Kaworu’s hands trace paths over the skin of his thighs; he looked up at him and was somewhat embarrassed to see such an awestruck look on his face.

“Come on,” he coaxed, trying to sound inviting rather than whiny.

“Sorry,” Kaworu said, snapping out of his trance-like state. “It’s hard not to feel like this is the only chance we’ll have to do this.”

Shinji sighed. “I know what you mean,” he assured, raising his hand and stroking Kaworu’s cheek. “But this won’t be the last time.”

Kaworu placed his hand over Shinji’s, holding it there for a moment. Then he released his grip on him, gently lowering Shinji's hand back down to the bed.

“I’ll...get started, now.”

Shinji stifled a laugh as Kaworu fumbled with the bottle of lube, obviously quite nervous to be taking on such a daunting task. To take a bit of the pressure off, Shinji looked up at the ceiling instead of directly at him. He heard the top of the bottle click open, and then he heard Kaworu squeeze some of the gel on his fingers. Okay, it was really happening. Shinji took a deep breath. He was really doing it. They were really doing it.

“Shinji-kun? Are you alright?”

Shinji looked back over at Kaworu. He had a worried frown on his face. Shinji wasn’t very good at hiding his anxiety, was he?

“O-Oh, sorry… I’m just kinda nervous, I guess.”

“I am, too,” Kaworu said, reassuring. “It’s okay.”

Shinji knew he could stop Kaworu at any time if he wanted, and he trusted that Kaworu’s own nerves would prevent him from losing control and hurting him by accident. Shinji took a deep breath and felt his resolve return.

“Go ahead,” he said, confident in his choice. “I’ll tell you if it hurts.”

A moment later, he felt the tip of Kaworu's finger breach him. He gasped, but it was out of shock at the intrusion rather than pain. He caught Kaworu's eye and nodded, telling him to keep going. Kaworu pushed in all the way, holding it there for a moment.

“How is that?”

Shinji chuckled. “I can take a lot more than that, Kaworu-kun…You can put another one in.”

Kaworu cleared his throat. “O-Okay.”

A second digit joined the first, causing a slight discomfort which quickly faded. It was hard for his arousal to wane when he felt those beautiful fingers gently twist inside of him, opening him up for what was to come later. His back arched off the bed as his hips moved on their own, rocking against Kaworu's hand. Kaworu eventually realized that he wasn’t going to break Shinji and started to thrust his fingers in with more insistence, eventually hitting his prostate, making Shinji lose what little composure he had left. Kaworu relentlessly attacked it once he realized what it was. It took everything Shinji had in him to tell Kaworu to stop.

“Are you sure you want to move on?” Kaworu asked. “I can just do this to you instead. You seem to be enjoying it.”

“No, don’t stop here,” Shinji pleaded, already uninhibited. “I need more than this. I want to do something that will be good for both of us.”

That seemed to be enough argument to convince him. He withdrew his fingers, using his hand to slick his cock with lube instead — Shinji didn’t know if Kaworu didn’t have any condoms on hand, or if he was so caught up in the moment that he had forgotten about it, but it didn’t look like he had the intention of using one. Shinji didn’t mind doing it without one, though, so he didn't bother to bring it up.

He felt Kaworu’s cock press against his entrance, but not with enough force to push in. He looked up at him; Kaworu seemed reluctant.

“I-I’m worried that I’m going to hurt you,” he admitted.

“I’m telling you that I want you to put it in. If it’s really that painful, I’ll tell you to stop, okay? I promise I will.”

“As long as you let me know if it hurts, then…” He trailed off, still seeming hesitant. 

“Come on,” Shinji murmured. “You want to make me happy, don't you?”

Kaworu chuckled. “Yes, I do.” It was a relief to see his worrying face break out in a smile.

Things were moving along again. Kaworu added another coat of lube for good measure before lining himself up again and pushing in. Shinji reached for his hand, squeezing it to bear the initial pain. He took Shinji’s cue and went as slowly as he could. Eventually, he stopped moving, holding his hips still instead.

“I-Is that —”

“That’s all of it,” Kaworu said, voice sounding tight.

The discomfort wasn’t unbearable, but it was still nice to hear that he had endured the worst of it. Kaworu’s hand was squeezing Shinji’s, and he was breathing raggedly. Shinji opened his eyes once his body had relaxed; he hadn’t been aware of how tightly he had been squeezing them shut. He looked up at Kaworu and noticed with surprise that his eyes were brimming with tears, threatening to overflow.

“Kaworu-kun…?”

“I’m sorry,” he said with a sniff as he used the back of his hand to blot away his tears. “I never thought I would have the chance to do this with you.”

Maybe it was the concoction of chemicals in his head making him emotional — or maybe it was just that Shinji could be a crybaby when he wanted to be — but he had to blink a few tears of his own away.

“That’s okay,” Shinji murmured, trying to be nonchalant as he dabbed at the corner of his eye with his knuckle.

Kaworu didn’t let go of Shinji's hand as he started to move, just barely at first out of consideration for Shinji’s wellbeing. After a while, the uncomfortable feeling subsided and Shinji moved his own hips against him, wanting to feel him more. He released Kaworu's hand and looped his arms around Kaworu's shoulders, instead, pulling him closer.

“You don’t need to hold back,” he whispered. He connected his lips to the side of Kaworu’s neck, sucking on the skin there, trying to coax Kaworu into losing some of his self-control. It worked; Kaworu’s thrusts gradually became less calculated, more earnest in intention. Hardly a minute had passed when Kaworu finally started giving in to his own urges, driving into Shinji with force.

Seeing Kaworu so dishevelled, so desperate, was something entirely new. He made no effort to restrain himself from vocalizing his pleasure. Kaworu found the right angle and soon Shinji was joining him, not caring about whether his cries were too loud.

He hooked his ankles together around Kaworu’s lower back, holding him as closely as he could without limiting his range of motion. He had a feeling that neither of them would last much longer, and he wanted to make the most of it.

Grabbing Kaworu by the back of the head, he tugged him down so he could kiss him; it was more tongue than anything else, but he needed to feel Kaworu against his mouth like this. Kaworu reached a hand between their bodies and stroked Shinji’s cock in a rhythm out of sync with his thrusts. It didn’t make a difference to Shinji whether it was coordinated or not. All that mattered was that it was Kaworu’s hands on him, Kaworu’s mouth against his own, Kaworu’s body pressing into him.

Kaworu broke their kiss, still panting heavily. “Shinji-kun, I’m close… Do you want me to…?”

Was Kaworu asking if he wanted him to pull out? Shinji didn't want any loss of contact right now; he didn’t care about the consequences.

“You can do it inside,” Shinji murmured, kissing him again before he could argue.

Once he had Shinji's permission, Kaworu seemed to focus his effort on bringing Shinji to climax; he was teetering so close to the edge that it wouldn’t take much. He broke off from Shinji's lips, again, at which Shinji had initially whined in protest, but he filled the void in Shinji's mouth with two of his fingers a second later. Shinji moaned in shock, latching onto them immediately and sucking hard. Now that there was space between them, he could make eye contact with Kaworu; he could see how affected he was. Shinji sucked on his fingers again and felt heat spike in his lower belly when he saw Kaworu flinch.

Kaworu's hand had slowed its rhythm on Shinji's cock — it was understandable, he had a lot to manage — but it didn't make a difference to Shinji. He watched Kaworu's face through lidded eyes, seeing the clear display of love and desire and affection. Kaworu caught his eye and smiled, and it was all he needed to push him over the edge. Kaworu pulled his fingers out, quickly replacing them with his mouth once again as Shinji finally came. Their cries muffled against each other, making it difficult to tell what sound came from whom. It was only when Kaworu's hips stuttered that Shinji realized that he was coming, too; the pulsing wetness he felt a second later was the other indication. 

Shinji wrapped his arms around Kaworu's shoulders, pressing their foreheads together as they caught their breaths. Then, Kaworu pulled back, pressing kiss after incessant kiss all over Shinji’s face. Shinji endured the onslaught.

As his passion cooled, Shinji began to feel a bit embarrassed by his actions, but when he saw that the loving look in Kaworu's eye hadn’t changed, he felt differently. There was no reason to be ashamed. Kaworu had been just as vulnerable as Shinji — maybe not physically, but he had clearly been just as nervous and concerned about impressing Shinji. 

“Now that we’ve done that,” Shinji mumbled after a few minutes of silence, “Could you actually teach me some piano? Once we’re cleaned up, I mean.”

Kaworu laughed under his breath. “I would love to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then they played a beautiful non-horny duet.
> 
> that uhhhh finger sucking thing was NOT in my plans for this chapter lmao. shinji a freak for that one. i didn’t mean to give him an oral fixation either... it just happened as i was writing. anyway i hope this chapter provided a satisfactory reading experience
> 
> p.s. i do NOT condone their actions irl, always practice safe sex!! anime boys can't get an STI but you can.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji organizes a meeting of the minds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey!! sorry this chapter took a while to come out, i couldn’t really. uh. find the motivation to work on it lol... not to overshare on main but i recently found out that i have c*ncer so that was kind of a bummer but i mean. life goes on. and it will!! the accompanying deep existential depression would have been WAY more helpful while i was writing earlier chapters but i think i can still use this to my benefit. lol. anyway i won’t mention this anymore in my chapter notes
> 
> enjoy the chapter!! it’s a nail-biter
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 30th, 2021 :)

Finally, after weeks and weeks of rigorous class work, it was the holiday break! It was exactly what Shinji needed. No assignments to worry about, no deadlines looming over his head; just an abundance of free time that he was sure to waste. It was going to be great!

Now that the exam period was over, Asuka’s mother was coming to pick her up so she could spend the break at home with her family. Shinji was happy for her, but he felt uneasy whenever Asuka’s mother was brought up. He wasn’t sure how he would react to seeing her, now that he remembered how terrible her relationship with Asuka had been — although he had never really known the whole extent of the issue. He doubted he ever would, at this point, because it didn’t seem like Asuka would remember anytime soon. He would have to be okay with that.

When she arrived, Asuka’s mother pulled Shinji in for a warm hug, but he felt his body tense up involuntarily. How could he let this woman hug him when he knew that Asuka had suffered because of her? As much as it upset him, he knew the answer: he had to endure it because Asuka _hadn’t_ endured anything. The woman hugging him wasn’t the same woman; he couldn’t possibly know whether she even looked the same. The only person who would be able to tell any similarities between her mother then and her mother now would be Asuka herself, and that was unlikely to happen.

Asuka left, not to return until two weeks had passed, leaving Shinji with a strange, unresolved feeling. He felt like he needed to say something to her, like he owed it to her, but he also knew that he couldn’t take it back once it was done. Wouldn’t it make him just as antagonistic if he intentionally traumatized Asuka, even if it was under the guise of it being for her own good? Wouldn’t that make him just as bad as her mother had been? 

Thankfully, Kaworu was on his way over, which would take his mind off the issue. Now that things were pretty serious between them, Shinji hoped that he could arrange a civil discussion between the two of them and Rei. He couldn’t let her go on disapproving of their relationship; they weren’t planning on ending it in the near future. 

Well, that had been Shinji’s initial idea, but he didn’t get a chance to tell Kaworu of his plan; barely five minutes had passed since Kaworu's arrival and he was already pawing at Shinji, rapidly deteriorating Shinji’s formerly clear focus. He had Shinji pinned against the wall a few feet from the front door, murmuring nonsense about how irresistible he found him. Shinji understood that Kaworu was harbouring several years’ worth of suppressed sexual urges — he was the same, in a way — but he hadn’t fully prepared himself for this kind of behaviour. It wasn’t that he minded it; he was attracted to Kaworu, too, obviously, but...

“R-Rei is home,” Shinji stammered, getting the words out as quickly as he could before his mind went fuzzy again. It was doubtful that Rei had overheard anything, but Kaworu still looked over his shoulder as if he had been caught. 

“I see,” Kaworu said as he put some space between them, cheeks flushing slightly pink — a rare occurrence for him. “It’s quieter here than it usually is, so I assumed nobody else was present. I apologize for my indiscretion.”

“Well, Asuka just left, so that’s probably why,” he explained at Asuka’s expense. “That reminds me… Since Asuka isn’t home, I figured we could try to talk to Rei about everything that’s happened recently. I’ve tried to talk to her on my own, but I think she needs to talk to both of us. I don’t think she fully understands where you’re coming from, and...I don’t want her to hate you.”

Kaworu nodded, although he still seemed frazzled. “That's a good idea. She needs to accept that there is nothing that could possibly separate me from you — aside from death, obviously, but I don’t anticipate that being an issue right now.”

“Yeah, you have a point,” Shinji said in agreement, glossing over the latter part of his statement. “I don’t want her to be, like...sulking in the corner at our wedding, or something.”

Kaworu laughed in astonishment, raising his eyebrows. “Our _what?”_

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about that,” Shinji muttered, embarrassed at having suggested such a thing.

“Oh, I have. I’m shocked to hear you bring it up so casually, though,” he clarified. He looked at Shinji for a moment with a growing level of excitement in his eyes. “When the time comes, please let me be the one to propose to you. I’ve spent a lot of time fantasizing about how I would go about it if I were ever given the opportunity.”

Shinji chuckled awkwardly. “If it means that much to you, then that’s fine with me, but that won’t be for a while…”

Kaworu grabbed Shinji’s hands, impassioned. “You’ll need to let me know your ring size as soon as possible.”

“L-Like I said, that won’t be for a long time!” Shinji dismissed, pulling out of his grasp. “Anyway, we need to focus on how we’re going to approach Rei. I don’t want her to feel ambushed.”

Kaworu recovered from Shinji’s rejection swiftly. “You should present it in a way that makes it clear that we’re not confronting her,” Kaworu suggested. “Let her know that we just want to talk. If she prefers, I won’t say anything unless I’m prompted.”

Kaworu was surprisingly eager to go along with Shinji’s plan. It was probably just out of a desire to ease Shinji’s worries, but Shinji appreciated it either way. It was, dare he say, _cute_ that Kaworu was so willing to please him, especially to the extent of agreeing to keep his mouth shut. With any luck, this would go swimmingly, and the three of them would get along just fine!

Shinji knocked on Rei’s bedroom door, holding his breath while he listened for any kind of movement on the other side. After a moment, she opened it, peering into the hallway with scrutiny. Shinji smiled sheepishly at her; Kaworu remained at a respectable distance behind him.

“We were wondering if we could have a normal, non-confrontational discussion with you,” Shinji offered. He hoped that he didn’t sound too rehearsed.

“No, thanks.” Rei started to close the door again, but Shinji caught it.

“Okay, it doesn’t have to be a discussion,” he said, voice straining with the effort of holding the door open. Why was Rei so strong? “You don’t have to even say anything. Will you hear us out?”

Rei pushed harder against the door. “I don’t want to hear anything _he_ has to say. He had the chance to relieve you of your pain, and he chose to let you stay with him instead.”

“...Okay,” Shinji relented. “Kaworu-kun doesn’t have to say anything, either. I’ll talk.”

Rei fought back for a few more seconds, but her force gradually decreased, allowing Shinji to push her door open fully. She sighed through her nose in exaggerated annoyance, nudging past him to get through the doorway.

“Fine. I’ll give you thirty minutes.”

Shinji felt anxiety rise from deep in his gut as he sat beside Kaworu at the kitchen table, facing Rei like she was a disapproving parent. He felt like he should have prepared notes. Rei steepled her fingers, watching him expectantly; her posture was close enough to Gendo’s classic stance that it made him antsy.

“I-I know that you aren’t our biggest supporter,” Shinji joked, trying to start out in an approachable manner. “But Kaworu-kun and I are a couple, now, and that isn’t going to change.”

“I’m aware. How serious are you?” Rei asked, not letting any vulnerability show through her cool demeanour.

“Really serious,” Shinji said firmly. “I-I think we’re gonna be together for...a long time.” He glanced over at Kaworu, who was smiling at Shinji’s claim.

Rei narrowed her eyes. “He’s letting you suffer for his benefit?”

“It’s not like that,” Shinji asserted. “Kaworu-kun didn’t _want_ me to stay with him, but he left the decision up to me. If he had just disappeared from my life without talking to me about it, he would be deciding what was best for me. He would be taking away the agency that I’m lucky to have now.”

“But it _is_ what’s best for you,” she argued.

Shinji shook his head. “That’s not for you to decide. It’s up to me, and I decided that I want to be with him.”

“Why?” She asked, clearly becoming irritated. “Why have you always been so drawn to him? He’s not _that_ handsome.”

As Shinji scoffed at her remark, he heard Kaworu stifle a laugh beside him. At least he had enough self-confidence to not take offense.

“Because…” Shinji trailed off, thinking. “Because he’s always seen me as someone special. Even when he was annoying and immature, he still wanted to use what little time he had to get to know me. He never treated me poorly, even when everyone else did.”

“So, you like him because he likes you? That’s all?” Rei asked, oversimplifying it.

“No, it’s not just that,” Shinji argued. “You only asked me why I was drawn to him. I came to...l-love him…because of who he is. To me, he’s as close to perfect as a person can be. And up until a little while ago, I didn’t even remember anything from before, but I still developed the same kinds of feelings for him that I always have.”

“The same kind of feelings that you’ve always had?” Rei pressed. “You’ve always loved him? I don’t think that’s true.”

“W-Well, most of the time,” Shinji backtracked. “I’ve always been attracted to him, at the very least.”

Rei leaned forward. “How can you be sure that your feelings for him aren’t just a result of trauma bonding? Maybe you’ve developed some weird, subconscious version of Stockholm syndrome now. You’ve spent a long time feeling like he was the only person you had. That must have caused psychological damage...especially since he can’t seem to stop himself from traumatizing you.”

“That’s enough,” Kaworu cut in. “You’re putting too much pressure on him.”

“I thought you were going to stay silent,” Rei snapped.

“I’m not going to let you insinuate that our relationship is abusive,” he said with a similar hostility.

She glared at him. “Your track record isn’t great, you know.”

Kaworu was silent as he thought for a moment. Then, he turned to Shinji.

“Do you feel that way?” He asked, seeming like he was genuinely asking rather than seeking backup for his argument.

“No,” Shinji said with an unconvincing tone. “I mean, under normal circumstances, maybe your actions weren’t always the best, but… Come on, Rei, you can’t seriously blame him for acting the way he did. He wasn’t even _human_. I don’t think what he did was that horrible when you put it in context. He was a kid, just like the rest of us, and we were all scared.”

“He’s not a kid anymore,” she said, tone cold again.

“And I haven’t done anything wrong this time, have I?” Kaworu retorted.

Rei regarded him with apathy. “Why should I believe that?”

“I understand your reluctance, but you have to realize that things are different now,” Kaworu explained with a softer tone. “I’m a human. I pose no threat to anyone. There’s no reason why I would have to ask Shinji-kun to execute me.”

“Again, how am I supposed to believe that you’re not a threat? You’ve hurt him repeatedly. It seems to be the only thing you know how to do with consistency.”

Kaworu sighed in frustration. “Yes, I’ve hurt Shinji-kun in the past. I know that. _He_ knows that. But it wasn’t because I wanted to. If you really believe that I had ever, at any point, _wanted_ things to turn out the way that they did, then I don’t think there’s any point in me trying to convince you to feel differently.”

Rei sat there, arms crossed over her chest, silent.

“Please don’t be like this forever, Rei,” Shinji softly pleaded. “Even if you don’t want us to be together, I don’t think Kaworu-kun and I are gonna break up.”

Rei huffed. “Whatever. It’s your funeral.” She paused. “Or it’s his, again.”

“That’s not funny,” Shinji grumbled.

Kaworu put his hand on Shinji’s arm; it was as comforting a gesture as it was possessive. “Don’t worry, Shinji-kun. She’s just being immature because she has no other means of argument. It doesn’t hurt my feelings.”

“That’s right,” Rei said lightly. “It’s just a joke. No need to lose your head over it.”

Kaworu hummed in amusement. “How witty. Have you done improv?”

Shinji felt like the only adult in the room for the first time _ever._ He put his head in his hands, staring down at the table. Neither Rei nor Kaworu had any kind of legitimate claim to him, but it felt like they were staking their territory, which is not what he had intended this to be. Maybe he ought to get up and leave the two of them alone to scrap it out. He had expected them to be more mature than to resort to petty insults, at least!

“Please,” he begged, “Will you please take this seriously?”

Rei heaved a sigh, but turned to Kaworu with a more serious expression. “Okay, I’ll humour you for a moment. Shinji told me why he loves you, and I can accept his reasoning, but I want to know why _you_ love _him._ Why you’ve always followed him around like a dog. What is it about my brother that’s so fascinating to you?” She paused. “No offense, Shinji.”

“Um, none taken, I guess…”

Kaworu seemed puzzled. “Shinji-kun is fascinating to me _because_ he’s Shinji-kun. I love him because I love him. I don’t know how to explain this to you.”

“Try.”

Kaworu was quiet for a moment, thinking carefully about his answer. “Shinji-kun is strong, and feeble, and kind, and cruel, and naive, and wise, and intense, and calm, and…human. He’s human. He’s the most human human I’ve ever met, even now. I want to learn about him. I want to know everything he has to share. I was ecstatic each time I met him, despite knowing that my death was nigh; all I’ve ever wanted was to break through the walls around his heart. He is the reason I exist. He is the only thing I want to live for.” He turned to Shinji. “I mean that in the least codependent way possible.”

“I-I get it,” Shinji mumbled, dumbfounded by his honesty.

Kaworu wasn’t finished yet. “When my sixteenth birthday arrived and I still hadn’t met you, I thought that I never would. So, when you approached me a few months ago and asked if you could sit beside me, you could imagine how I felt. _You_ found _me._ And it was as if every prior moment of my life no longer held any meaning. I had finally started living.” He looked at Rei, again, more intense now. “I would never do anything to squander this opportunity. I might never get it again.”

Shinji stared at Kaworu's profile, studying the earnest way he was looking at Rei. He didn’t understand why Rei found it so difficult to trust him; there was no doubt in Shinji’s mind that Kaworu really, really, _really_ loved him, and it should have been clear to Rei, too. Still, she seemed skeptical.

“Come on, Rei, you can’t seriously think he has any ill intentions,” he pleaded. “He’s never been this concerned about my safety. Even when — um, I mean… Even in situations where you might think he would be selfish, he’s been really worried about me. I _really_ don’t think he would do anything to hurt me.”

“Even so... for some reason, I still can’t stand you.” She frowned at Kaworu. “It would have been easier to like you if you had just taken my advice.”

“If I had taken your advice, you would have never seen me again,” Kaworu pointed out.

She smirked. “Exactly.”

Kaworu chuckled, obviously not too hurt by her impoliteness. “Okay, let’s say that I was considering taking your advice. What is it that you want to happen?” He asked. “Do you want me to break up with Shinji-kun now, even though our relationship has progressed to this point? What if you had managed to separate us before, and he _hadn’t_ lost his memories, like you thought he would? Were you prepared for him to resent you for the rest of his life?”

“I didn’t consider that possibility because I was — and still am — certain that it would work,” she argued. “Are you really so conceited that you think you’re unforgettable?”

Kaworu looked at Rei with disbelief. “Do you know Shinji-kun at all?”

“I’ve never been able to forget him once he was gone, Rei,” Shinji cut in. “He’s always left an impact on me.”

Rei frowned again. “And that impact has always been negative! Therefore, you should at least _try_ to forget about him!”

What would it take to get through to her? She was being so stubborn that Shinji was running out of arguments to make. It really did come down to the fact that she didn’t like Kaworu; that was a point she was unwilling to budge on. Perhaps Shinji needed to come at this from a different angle entirely.

“I was given the chance to forget about him, and I chose not to,” he reminded her. “I’m happy that I have Kaworu-kun now, and I’m happy that I remember everything that happened, even if some of those memories are unpleasant. I don’t think I’m going to regret it. And now, you have people who share the same memories as you. It’s a good thing that you have people who understand what you’ve been going through your whole life.”

“It’s not the same,” Rei muttered. “You have each other.”

“Well, what if we told Asuka? Then you could talk about it with her, instead.”

Rei scowled. “No. I wouldn’t dare do that to her. She endured too much. I couldn’t bear to see her relive that.”

“Isn’t it her right to know?” Shinji asked, drawing on his earlier anxieties about the situation.

“It isn’t our place to tell her,” she said firmly. “If she’s meant to know, then she’ll realize on her own, like you and I and Tabris did.”

“Don’t call me that,” Kaworu snapped, so full of vitriol that it made Shinji jump in his seat. “You know that’s not my name.”

“Oh, why? Does it hurt your feelings?” Rei asked, mocking. “Do you not want to be reminded of what you’re responsible for?”

“H-He isn’t responsible for anything! He didn’t choose to be...what he was,” Shinji said, especially careful not to upset Kaworu with his choice of phrasing.

“That doesn’t make him innocent,” Rei countered.

Shinji was going to argue further, but Kaworu cut him off before he could say anything.

“She’s right, Shinji-kun,” he said, defeated. “I’m not innocent. I was an enemy of humanity.”

“But you never did anything,” Shinji said in his defense.

Rei raised an eyebrow. “He didn’t necessarily do anything _on purpose,_ but… I don’t think you can claim that he never did anything.”

“Well, hold on a moment,” Kaworu said. “If we’re going to go down this road, then I think you have to acknowledge your own role in...how things turned out.”

Rei tensed, looking at Kaworu like she was barely restraining herself from slapping him. “How dare you? Ayanami Rei and Lilith were two separate entities. You _were_ an Angel, on your own. That’s totally different.”

“...You literally destroyed the world,” Kaworu said. “That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t chosen to merge with her.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be trying to make me like you?” She asked, fingers curling into fists.

“Kaworu-kun, stop... I really don’t want to think about that,” Shinji said weakly. Out of everything he had experienced, the Third Impact was undoubtedly the most disturbing, even with the small amount of comfort Kaworu had provided him during it.

“I’m sorry, Shinji-kun. I’ll stop talking about it. I just didn’t want her to forget that she’s not innocent, either.”

“I’m more innocent than you,” Rei concluded. “Let’s leave it at that.”

“How can you still try to villainize him? He’s the one that always died in the end!” Shinji argued, pounding his fist on the table for emphasis. “Why would he sacrifice himself to spare us if he didn’t care?”

They fell silent; Rei didn’t immediately dismiss his argument, suggesting that he had made a fair point. Shinji took the opportunity to steer the conversation in the direction he wanted it to go.

“You can’t resent Kaworu-kun for things that he had nothing to do with,” he said, much more softly now. “He may have given me some trauma, but he isn’t responsible for any of _your_ bad memories. I know that Dad did some —”

Rei shook her head, closing her eyes as if to block the thought. “Stop. Please. Don’t bring that up.”

“...Kaworu-kun had nothing to do with that,” Shinji murmured.

Rei was silent.

“I’m sorry that you have unpleasant memories,” Kaworu said carefully, giving Rei a chance to shut him down before continuing. “I know you will never admit this, but you and I are the same. I know that I remind you of who you used to be. I know that’s a big reason why you don’t like me. I get that. But please, _please_ don’t let that be the reason why you disapprove of my relationship with Shinji-kun. He has nothing to do with this.”

Rei looked sullen, but still didn’t speak.

Kaworu continued. “I think you and I could be...well, not _friends,_ necessarily, but… I would like to get to know you better. I think you would realize that we have a lot in common.”

“I know we have a lot in common,” Rei muttered. Her tone suggested that she wasn’t happy about it.

“I don’t just mean that we were both…” He trailed off. “I mean that you and I are similar people, even now. You spend most of your time alone. You like to read. You aren’t afraid to say what you really think.” He paused. “And you love Shinji-kun, too — although it’s different than the love I have for him.”

“Just because you’re like me doesn’t mean I have to like you,” Rei said with her eyes on the table. “Maybe I don’t like myself.”

Kaworu smiled with sympathy. “I don’t like myself, either.”

Rei crossed her arms. “You’re not going to outsmart me.”

“I suggest that you try to see my point of view,” Kaworu advised. “I’m not planning on leaving so soon this time.”

It seemed like they had nothing more to say to each other. Shinji felt awkward; he didn’t know what to do. He helplessly watched as they stubbornly stared at each other, at a firm stalemate. He desperately scrambled for anything to say to break the uncomfortable silence.

Then, Rei uncrossed her arms, shifting in her seat. “Can I talk to Shinji alone?” She asked Kaworu with a surprising amount of politeness.

Kaworu seemed unfazed by her request. “I don’t mind. I’ll wait in his room, and he can come get me when you’re done.” He stood from the table, giving Shinji a kiss on the cheek before disappearing into Shinji’s room, shutting the door behind him. Shinji silently willed him to return; he wasn't sure he could do this without him.

Shinji felt more uneasy now that they were alone, but he tried not to show it for Rei's sake. “What did you want to say to me that you couldn’t say in front of him?”

Rei’s demeanour was much less cold than it had been a moment ago. “My reluctance towards your relationship with Ta — with Kaworu isn’t just about my personal feelings towards him; it’s not simply that I don’t want you to date him. It’s more than that. I just...I feel like I’ve made a mistake, and he got to you first. I missed my chance to have a real relationship with you.”

Shinji was confused. “What do you mean?”

Rei avoided eye contact as she started to explain herself. “I grew up not knowing who I was. I had no idea. I wasn’t sure what was real, or whether my father really loved me, or whether I would have to sacrifice myself in battle and wake up with a new body and an emptier mind. I could never be sure if anything was real.” She paused, idly scratching her fingernail on the surface of the tabletop. “I’ve always felt lonely. I realize now that I was lonely before. I just never knew the word for it then.”

“You don’t have to be lonely now,” Shinji said.

She sighed. “It’s not the same. Yes, you remember, but... You’re too old, now. You’ve branched away from me. You have your own life. I’m too late.” She paused, fidgeting with the sleeve of her sweater. “But don’t worry about that. I don’t care if you stay with him. You can spend the rest of your life with him. It doesn’t matter to me. I can tell that you would be unhappy without him, and I would rather see you happy for once.”

Rei had always isolated herself, and there had always been a detectable distance between her and Shinji, so it was revelatory to see it from her perspective. Shinji felt like he had failed to look out for her; he had never understood how deep her loneliness was. He didn’t want her to feel like _she_ had done something wrong by isolating herself from him. It was a natural reaction to being misunderstood by everyone in her life; she had believed that she would be misunderstood forever. Shinji wasn’t going to let it go on any longer.

“You don’t need to feel like you’re losing me just because I’m dating him. You didn't miss your chance to have a close relationship with me. I’m still here, and I’m still your brother, and I’m more than willing to talk to you about anything; especially now that we have a mutual understanding.” He paused. “And whether you like it or not, you have Kaworu-kun, now, too.”

Rei hummed noncommittally. “It would be easier to talk to him if he didn’t seem so smug.”

Shinji chuckled. “I don’t think he means to be.”

“Perhaps I have been too harsh on him,” Rei admitted. “And on you. It is up to you to decide what you need.”

“Thank you,” Shinji said genuinely. That was all he had wanted her to say.

Rei stood from her seat. “This has been...uncomfortable, but I’m glad I gave you a chance to explain yourselves. I’m going back into my room to recover my energy. That was exhausting.”

Rei actually came around and gave Shinji a hug before retreating back into her room. He felt that, if nothing else, it was a victory simply because he had coaxed Rei into opening up to him. Even if she ended up changing her mind again about him and Kaworu, at least he had had the chance to have an honest conversation with her.

Shinji sought out Kaworu, then, finding him perched on the edge of the bed like a bird, no doubt endlessly fretting over the outcome of their confrontation.

“We're all done,” Shinji announced, although his presence was an obvious indicator that the conversation had ended. “She went back to her room.”

Kaworu perked up, eyeing Shinji with caution. “You don’t need to tell me what she said, but… Was it promising?”

“It sounded like she would eventually come around,” Shinji said, not trying to raise his hopes too high.

Kaworu sighed with relief. “That’s good,” he said, getting up and giving Shinji a hug — he was two for two! “But even if she doesn’t, I’m still not going to let you go.” He paused. “Of course, if you really want to break up with me, then I won’t stop you, but I’m not going to allow her to sway your judgement.”

Shinji shook his head, smiling softly. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna let you get away from me, either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really enjoyed having rei and kaworu act rudely to each other lol
> 
> also: final decision, fic has 16 chapters total!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang (minus Asuka) celebrate the holidays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah it’s a christmas special. christmas came early this year. lol this started out pretty self-indulgent but it ended up becoming more serious. also asuka isn’t in this chapter bc she’s with her own parents but she will be back in the next one.
> 
> god i am so sorry i took so long with this... i had surgery and then i was just like. incapacitated for a week and then i had no motivation... also this chapter is just like super long and i had to do so much editing and i kept putting it off. but i think it turned out pretty well!!

After their discussion, Rei seemed to have somewhat reined in her feelings of distrust towards Kaworu. It wasn’t much, but at least she no longer scowled at his mere presence. She hadn’t even complained about the number of nights in a row Kaworu had stayed over at their apartment — although Shinji had made it easy on her by denying Kaworu any kind of base physical affection in case she overheard. Perhaps it was just a bit of seasonal goodwill, but Shinji was proud of her anyway for tolerating him.

Besides, Kaworu would have to leave at some point. Shinji was sure that he was planning on going home to see his family; the break was long enough to justify the trip, so it seemed like a rational assumption to make. However, Kaworu hadn’t mentioned it. Shinji wouldn’t have been worried about it, but he knew that _he_ had to go with Rei to visit their parents soon, and he didn’t want to leave Kaworu alone.

He was laying on the couch with his feet in Kaworu’s lap, scrolling aimlessly on his phone when he decided to just ask him outright. He nudged Kaworu with his foot, making him look up from the book he was reading.

“What is it?” Kaworu asked, not seeming bothered by the interruption.

“I meant to ask you… Are you going home to see your parents at all?” He asked.

“I'm not,” he answered promptly, like it was unimportant to him.

“What?” Shinji asked, surprised. “Really?”

“Yes. They didn’t think it was necessary to spend money on a flight if they’ll be seeing me in a few months when I graduate.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” Shinji lied — he couldn’t believe they were so heartless! 

“I would much rather spend this time with you, anyway.”

“A-About that,” Shinji stammered. “Rei and I have to go see our parents in a few days, so…” He paused, thinking about it. “Hey, why don’t you come with us?”

Kaworu raised his eyebrows. “Hm?”

“Come with me!” Shinji exclaimed, suddenly extra keen on the idea. “You don't want to spend Christmas alone, right?"

“Well, no, but…”

“My parents won’t mind. They’ll be happy to meet you.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Kaworu countered. “Regardless, I won’t be too happy to see your father. He may sense my apprehension and find me unlikeable.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine,” Shinji said with a dismissive hand wave. “There’s no way they won’t like you, even if you’re stand-offish; they’ll just be relieved to see that I’m actually with someone for once.”

“That’s...reassuring,” Kaworu said, sounding unconvinced. “Still, I’m not sure that I want to burden your parents with my presence when I haven’t been invited.”

“They won’t mind!” He repeated. “It’ll only be a few days.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please?” He sat up and attempted to pout in a cute manner, hoping it had the intended effect. “Will you do it for me, then?”

Kaworu narrowed his eyes. “Don’t use your charming good looks to persuade me. It isn't fair.”

“Come on, Kaworu-kun,” He murmured; it came out more seductively than he had intended. “It would mean a lot to me.”

Shinji watched Kaworu’s face change as he worked through the issue in his head, likely scrambling to come up with a way out of the situation. He was clearly trying to avoid looking at Shinji’s pathetic attempt at manipulation. Shinji caught his eye, though, and leaned in closer, knowing very well how easy it would be to sway his judgement.

“...Fine,” Kaworu muttered, unable to withstand the guilt of refusing. Shinji kissed him on the cheek as recompense. He hadn’t even given Kaworu a reason to comply, and he had agreed to do it regardless. It was true that he didn’t want Kaworu to be alone for the holidays, but there was a more important reason he had asked. This would be the first time he saw his parents since regaining his memories, and he wanted the kind of emotional support that Rei would likely not provide. Kaworu would just have to put his beef with Gendo aside and tolerate him for a few days.

Rei, being much more of an adult than Shinji despite being barely older than him, had been kind enough to rent a car so she could drive them. Neither Shinji nor Kaworu could drive, so they treated her with extra politeness. It was very kind of her to allow Kaworu to ride with them, after all; Shinji was grateful that she hadn’t kicked him out of the vehicle once they had reached the city limits. They had given her immense power and she had chosen not to use it for evil. She did, however, make Shinji sit in the passenger seat so she wouldn't feel like a chauffeur.

The music Rei had chosen to play was unfamiliar to Shinji, and she refused to stray from her predetermined playlist, so singing along was out of the question. He had no choice but to strike up conversation, lest they suffer the two-hour car ride in silence.

“Are you looking forward to seeing Mom and Dad again?” He asked her. “It’s been a few months since we were all together, hasn’t it?”

Rei hummed noncommittally in response. “It’s definitely more enjoyable this time of year. I find that family board games are a good outlet for my pent-up aggression.”

“Me, too,” he said, remembering how they had nearly started wrestling during a game of checkers last year.

“Are _you_ looking forward to seeing them?” She asked. “You haven’t seen them since you regained your memories. How do you think you’ll fare?”

“To be honest, I’m pretty nervous about it. I don’t know how I’m going to react. What will I do if I freak out? How will I explain that?” He wondered, thinking back to his major breakdown in class. He hadn’t needed to explain that to anyone, but his parents would definitely want to know what was going on.

“I can cover for you,” Rei offered. “I can tell them that you took too much Benadryl by accident and started hallucinating.”

“That's…” He trailed off. “You know what? Alright. That'll work.”

“Is that why you asked me to come?” Kaworu asked, leaning forward so he could feel included. “To soothe your anxiety?”

“I-I guess so,” Shinji confessed. “You're always able to stay calm, even in a bad situation. It's something I really admire about you.”

In that regard, he and Kaworu were polar opposites; it didn't take much to make Shinji spiral out of control, but Kaworu could face anything head-on without flinching. Shinji trusted that he could rely on him to pretend like nothing was out of the ordinary. It would be more surprising if he didn’t.

“It is nice of you to go so far out of your way be there for him,” Rei said to Kaworu in an unusual show of civility. “Especially since you'll have to see our father. That must be difficult, considering how much he's put Shinji through.”

“I would do anything for Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said valiantly. “I can put my personal grievances aside for a few days.”

Both he and Rei were willing to do that for him, Shinji realized; he was proud of both of them for upholding such a level of maturity.

“That isn't the only reason I asked you to come, though,” Shinji felt the need to clarify. “I really did want to introduce you to my parents, too. You've never met my mom.” 

Although he was excited for his parents to meet Kaworu, he realized, belatedly, that he hadn’t told them that he was bringing company. He also hadn’t told them that Kaworu was his boyfriend, now, either. The day would be full of surprises.

As they approached his hometown, Shinji started to feel nostalgic. He drank in the familiar sights as Rei took the exit off the highway. They drove past an old dilapidated gas station; the frog graffitied on the back of it was like an old friend, something he had passively seen over and over again for years. What a delight, to experience this feeling while knowing that his ultimate token of nostalgia was riding along in the back seat. 

Shinji glanced at the rearview mirror to find Kaworu looking out the window with intent, clearly focused on his surroundings. This was the place where Shinji grew up, so it was only logical that Kaworu would want to pay close attention. Any opportunity to gain insight into Shinji's mind was an opportunity he couldn't pass up.

Gradually, they got closer to their destination, and the reality of where they were headed sunk in. The warm fuzziness of nostalgia had fully morphed into anxiety by the time they pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house. It felt strange to see something so devoid of trauma, so separate from everything that had been going on recently. The last time he had been here, he had been an entirely different person.

Rei got out of the car; the sound of her door slamming shut made Shinji jump. He was so scared of having a panic attack that he couldn’t bring himself to get out of the car. Kaworu stayed back to help him while Rei went in ahead of them, presumably to get the hugs out of the way as quickly as possible.

“I’m sorry, Shinji-kun, but you need to go inside,” Kaworu said as he reached to unbuckle Shinji’s seatbelt. “You’ll need to see your parents eventually; it may as well be today. I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Shinji managed to get out of the car without too much trouble, but when he saw his father in the distance, he felt his fight-or-flight instinct set in. He reached for Kaworu's hand and squeezed it. Kaworu squeezed back.

“You'll be fine,” Kaworu whispered. “You've done much more difficult things than this.”

He was right. Shinji had gotten through a lot worse with a lot less experience. There was no need to fear this Gendo; he had only ever shown Shinji unconditional love. He was the ideal father Shinji had never had. But he had him, now. The old Gendo was gone. He didn't exist anymore. He had been wiped out alongside the old Shinji and the old Rei and what remained of the old Kaworu. But...they were all still here, weren't they? Why was Gendo any different?

“My little boy!” Yui cried, attacking Shinji with a hug as soon as he got in the door, distracting him before his mind could spiral any further. The warm embrace of his mother felt drastically different than it had before; it was a much greater comfort. He hadn't realized how much the Shinji in his memories had missed her.

Gendo subjected Shinji to another back-breaking hug which, again, was quite different than it had previously been. His old father had never hugged him, had he? It was strange to receive fatherly affection from someone who had struggled to make eye contact with him before. When Gendo released him, Shinji felt conflicted, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to run away or go back in for another hug. He did neither. 

“I didn’t know you were bringing a friend,” Yui said, addressing Kaworu’s presence. “Not that we mind the extra company, but I would have cleaned up a bit better!”

Shinji fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “Yeah, um, sorry for not asking you about that… This is Kaworu-kun. He didn't have anywhere to go, and I didn't want to leave him alone for the holidays.”

“Oh, this is the guy you were telling us about before!” Gendo chirped, recalling the fond tales Shinji had told them. “You've really become close friends, huh?”

“Yeah, actually, he’s, um…he’s my boyfriend, now.” When his parents gaped at him, he added, “D-Don't look so surprised! It happened pretty recently, and I didn't have a chance to tell you about it.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet the two people responsible for bringing Shinji-kun into this world. I cannot thank you enough,” Kaworu said warmly. He did not let even a fraction of his contempt for Gendo show through. Shinji hadn’t expected anything less, really, but he was still grateful for Kaworu’s considerate behaviour — although he may have gone a touch overboard.

“T-That’s very kind of you to say,” Yui stammered, clearly flustered by Kaworu’s exaggerated sincerity. “Shinji’s never brought someone home before, so pardon our shock.”

Shinji whined, “Mom…”

“But that’s a good thing!” Gendo cut in. “That must mean that it’s pretty serious. He must really like you!”

“Gah! Stop saying things!”

Yui laughed, finally dismissing them with the instruction of taking their belongings to Shinji's old bedroom. Shinji, deciding to be a chivalrous gentleman, took both of their bags. Kaworu was his guest, so it was Shinji’s obligation to be courteous. 

His parents’ reaction to the news of his blossoming relationship had been good, which was a relief; more importantly, though, Shinji’s reaction to his parents’ physical presence had also gone better than expected. He wondered how Kaworu was feeling. If he was nervous, he wouldn’t show it.

“Are you alright?” He asked Kaworu once Gendo and Yui were out of earshot.

“Yes,” Kaworu said. “I can tell that your father doesn’t remember anything. That makes it somewhat easier to accept that he’s here now.”

“Really? How can you tell so easily?”

“His eyes would give it away. When I met you again, I knew you didn’t recognize me; when I met Rei, I knew that she did. It’s impossible to hide. No man could forgive himself for the atrocities he committed against his own children.” He paused. “Don’t be so worried about me, though. Are _you_ alright?”

Kaworu's assurance that Gendo didn’t have any lasting memories helped to make Shinji more at ease about the entire situation. He trusted that Kaworu knew what he was talking about, and that he wasn’t just making something up to quell Shinji’s worries. Kaworu wouldn’t do something like that.

“Yeah,” he said honestly. “I think I’ll be okay. It wasn’t so bad.”

He felt much less shaken up than he had been when they arrived, now that the worst part was over. However, his anxiety started up again as he reached for the doorknob to his room and suddenly remembered what awaited on the other side. Perhaps inviting Kaworu had been a mistake. Grimacing, he opened the door, bracing himself for the reaction he would receive.

Kaworu looked around the room, eyes wider than normal as he took in Shinji’s embarrassingly large Gundam collection. Shelves upon shelves were brimming with little plastic robots Shinji had meticulously built when he could have been out enjoying his youth.

“I think your subconscious may have been trying to communicate something to you,” Kaworu inferred as he took in the overwhelming display.

“It wasn’t that I really liked the fact that they were robots, or anything,” Shinji explained. “I just liked the process of putting them together.” He paused. “And maybe I played with them once they were built. But it wasn’t like I was a huge fan of the mech genre.”

“You're not a fan of the genre,” Kaworu repeated. “That is so funny.” He approached a shelf and examined one of them more closely. “Why don’t you have any of these at your apartment now?”

Shinji shrugged. “I can’t really build them anymore. They’re expensive, and I have real responsibilities now, so I can’t really waste money like I used to. Besides, I don’t really have the time for it.”

Kaworu gently turned one of the robots’ arms, then put it back the way it was. “Well, I still find it admirable that you partook in such a tedious hobby.”

“You’re _impressed_ that I spent my teenage years playing with toys?” Shinji asked, incredulous.

“I find it charming,” Kaworu said, turning to look at Shinji with a benevolent smile. “It’s nice to know that you’re a huge dork.”

“Hey, don’t bully me!”

Kaworu chuckled. “I didn’t intend to be insulting. I just mean that I’m glad there are things about you that surprise me, because that means there is more for me to learn about you.” He took a step closer. “You’re a new version of yourself, and I want to get to know you as best as I can.”

“You must really love me to not be put off by this,” Shinji half-joked.

“I do,” Kaworu replied, taking him seriously. “If anything, this only deepens the love I have for you.” He put his arms around Shinji's waist, leaning down towards him.

Shinji’s heart thudded in his chest; no matter how many times they did it, it seemed that he would never get used to kissing Kaworu. His own breath shuddered as Kaworu closed in on him. He could feel the plastic eyes of his Gundam army watching him with curiosity.

“Shinji!” Gendo called from the living room, making Shinji back away reflexively. “Come on out! We’re playing Uno!”

Suddenly embarrassed at having almost done something vaguely inappropriate under his parents’ roof, Shinji backed away. Kaworu reluctantly released him.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “My parents were really looking forward to playing games as a family, and I guess they couldn’t wait any longer.”

“That’s fine,” Kaworu sighed. “I suppose we shouldn’t taint the innocence of your childhood bedroom, anyway.”

Shinji led him to the living room where his parents and Rei were sitting cross-legged on the carpet like a bunch of kindergarteners. As Gendo shuffled the deck, Shinji felt a familiar mood settle in. This was the only time he ever felt real competition between himself and Rei. As soon as he was given a handful of cards, he turned into a petty little brat who revelled in the suffering of others, and he knew Rei was the same. He hoped Kaworu wouldn’t be embarrassed by his immaturity.

He hadn’t been lucky enough to start the game with any of the more sadistic cards, but he wasn’t worried. Kaworu was to his left, and Rei was to his right, which worked out exactly in his favour; Kaworu would never do anything to screw Shinji over, and it would be extra satisfying to force Rei to draw four if he were so lucky. It couldn’t have worked out better for him — as long as the order didn’t get reversed.

A few turns in, Yui started to make light conversation with her children. After a minute or two, though, it became more obviously pointed towards their surprise guest.

“So, tell me; how did this happen?” She asked, gesturing between Shinji and Kaworu with the cards in her hand. “The last I heard, you two were just friends. What made you decide to start dating? And so suddenly, too?”

Shinji froze. He couldn't believe that he hadn't pre-written a story in case this came up, and it wasn’t like he could tell her the truth. Kaworu spoke first, putting his neck out for Shinji's sake (only figuratively, this time).

“Shinji-kun and I had harboured obvious feelings for each other for a while, but we were hesitant to enter a relationship at first,” he explained smoothly. Shinji supposed that wasn’t entirely false.

“Why was that?” Yui prodded.

“My parents disapprove of me dating while I'm abroad,” Kaworu explained with no indication that he was making it up as he went along. “They expect me to go back once I graduate and work for them, so they don't want me forming attachments. I told this to Shinji-kun, and we were both reluctant in the event that we were forced to break up. Eventually, though, he decided that he would rather take that risk than not be together at all.”

Wow, what a convincing and hopefully-not-based-in-truth story!

“That must have been a hard decision to make,” Yui empathized. “With such a short amount of time left together, you would feel so pressured to make every moment count.”

“Yes, that’s true,” Kaworu said wistfully; Shinji could feel his eyes on him. “But I don’t think it will be an issue. There is nothing on this Earth, aside from death, that could pry me away from Shinji-kun.”

Yui blinked. “How long have you been dating?”

“They’ve only been dating for a week,” Rei chimed in, not looking up from her cards. She then placed one down on the pile and said, “He's very intense about his feelings. It’s insufferable.”

“There’s nothing wrong with intensity,” Gendo interjected. “I think that’s an admirable quality to have. And if you feel that way about my son, then I’m glad you have the nerve to express it.”

Shinji looked over at Kaworu to see how he would react to Gendo’s words of approval. He was pretending to be focused on his cards, but Shinji could tell he was fretting about how to respond.

“Thank you, sir,” Kaworu finally said. “I’m glad you think so.” Shinji detected a bit of acid in his tone, but he doubted anyone else, aside from Rei, would notice.

“Oh, don’t be so formal!” Gendo said, dismissive.

The game carried on as usual; eventually, Shinji was down to a single card. So was Rei, but Shinji’s turn was first, and the pile was the right colour at the moment. As long as the card Kaworu put down followed the same trend, then Shinji would win. He was salivating; he could almost taste it.

“It breaks my heart to do this, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu lamented as he placed a Skip card on the pile. “But it’s the only card I can play.”

“Huh?”

Shinji watched, frozen, as Rei placed her final card on the pile. He stared at the lone card in his hand. He swore he could hear it laughing at him.

“I win!” Rei cheered. “Ha! I beat you!”

Her childish attitude didn’t sting as much as it usually did; he was still processing the brutal pain of betrayal. How could Kaworu do something so cruel to _him,_ of all people?

“Y-You could have just...drawn a new card,” Shinji said weakly. “You didn’t need to play that one.”

Kaworu shook his head. “That would be foolish. It would be a hollow victory if you knew I had helped you.”

Shinji glared at him. “We’re playing again,” he demanded through gritted teeth.

Several arduous games later (of which Shinji won none), Shinji gave up and declined the invitation to a third round of Scrabble. Instead, he told his parents that he wanted to show Kaworu around the neighbourhood. While it had initially been more of an excuse for the two of them to have some breathing room, it occurred to Shinji that it would be nice to revisit some childhood memories with someone who hadn’t known him back then. He figured that Kaworu would be eager to hear his stories, too.

They headed in the direction of his old elementary school, which was only a few streets away. He vividly recalled walking along this sidewalk on his way to school with Rei. She would always hold his hand so he wouldn’t accidentally walk into traffic. He had never thought it was necessary, but he now understood why she was so overprotective; she wanted him to have the life he’d missed out on. She hadn’t wanted it to be cut short, and she had always expected the worst.

Now, though, Kaworu was the one holding his hand, but he wasn’t just making sure Shinji didn’t run into traffic on a whim. He was listening as Shinji told him stories about his childhood, about how he had climbed up that tree and played soccer in that field and accidentally slipped into that pond.

“And I broke my tooth hopping over that fence,” he said, pointing to a fence that separated two empty pieces of property. “Rei was so mad at me when I came home.”

“What were you doing?”

Shinji smiled at the memory. “I was pretty young; I was chasing my friend after he hit me with a water balloon. He jumped the fence and kept running, but I wasn't gonna let him away that easily. It seemed like a good plan at first, but my shoe was still wet and I slipped. I ended up landing face-first on a rock.”

“Aww, poor little Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, likely visualizing the scene in his mind.

“I still have a scar on my lip,” Shinji added, pointing it out. “See?”

Kaworu stopped to peer at it in the dim light provided by the streetlamp. Then, he pressed a soft kiss to the side of Shinji's mouth.

“I'm retroactively kissing it better,” he explained before kissing the spot again.

“I-It’s already better!” Shinji said, laughing. “It’s faded as much as it’s going to.”

“Well, this won’t make it any worse.” He kissed it once more for emphasis before pulling away.

They kept walking, but Shinji didn’t have any stories to tell at the moment. Instead, he asked, “Did you ever do anything stupid like that as a kid?”

Kaworu hummed. “Not really. I wasn't much of an outdoor kid, and I didn't have many friends.”

Shinji thought that was kind of sad. Kaworu finally had the chance to grow up in a normal world, and he hadn't even had a normal childhood. It wasn’t surprising that he had been a reclusive child — that seemed in line with his personality in general — but he hadn’t regained his memories until he was an adolescent, so it wasn’t like he had been in Rei’s situation. Shinji supposed that Kaworu had probably never felt like he fit in with others, even if he hadn’t understood why.

“Well, we're outdoors now, and I'm your friend,” Shinji reasoned. “That’s a start, right?”

“That's true,” Kaworu mused. “Do you want me to break my tooth, too?”

“No, but…” He looked around, realizing their proximity to his park of choice. “Let's go to the playground!”

“You really love playgrounds, don't you?”

“We didn't even get to go on the swings last time!”

Kaworu seemed amused. “Alright. Let’s go, then. Show me a good time.”

When they arrived at the park, they made a beeline for the swings; Shinji realized with boyish glee that they were fully functional despite the cold weather. He whooped, busting out into a jog while remaining careful of the ice hidden beneath the snow.

“Shinji-kun, slow down! You could slip!” Kaworu called from several metres away, but there was no stopping Shinji from racing him to the swingset. It wasn’t much of a race, though; Kaworu maintained a sensible walking speed, handing Shinji the victory. If only he had been so courteous when he had decimated Shinji at Monopoly...

“Sit down,” Shinji commanded, still out of breath. “I’ll push you.”

Kaworu did as Shinji asked, sitting on the swing and holding on to the chains tightly. Shinji only needed to push him a few times before he was swinging as high as the structure would allow. His scarf fluttered in the wind as he flew through the air; he looked like he was having fun. Shinji watched him for a minute before talking him through the final step.

“Now you have to jump off!” He demanded.

Kaworu scoffed. “I most certainly do not.”

“Aww, come on! You have to!” Shinji said, encouraging him. “Jump!”

Kaworu glanced over at him curiously. “Is it really that important?”

“Yeah; you have to!” He insisted for the third time. He heard Kaworu sigh, but he didn’t voice any more arguments.

Shinji watched in awe as Kaworu leapt from the swing with the gentle elegance of an antelope. He would have landed gracefully, too, if it hadn't been for the slick patch of ice under his left foot. It sent him skittering into the snow, falling on his face with a thump. The fall didn’t seem too terrible, but when Kaworu didn’t immediately get up, Shinji rushed to his side, crouching down beside him.

“Kaworu-kun?” He asked, timid, feeling anxiety creep in for the umpteenth time that day. 

Kaworu slowly raised his head, leaving a small red stain on the unfortunately lumpy patch of ice he had collided with. He took his glove off and felt around his face, trying to gauge the damage. He touched the blood under his nose and looked at his fingers.

Shinji watched, petrified, as the fluid dripped from Kaworu’s nostril to the snow, emphasizing its vibrance. His blood — he had seen it before, so many times. He could see it now, all over his fist, all over the glass before him. It was all he could see. He couldn’t look away.

"Shinji-kun," Kaworu was saying; he had been repeating it for a while. Shinji couldn’t raise his eyes to look at him. His eyes were fixated on the patch of blood, watching each drop sink into the snow, spreading out as it sullied its pristine surface. He couldn't escape the reminder of what he had done, could he? He had only done it again; he had hurt him again. It was only a matter of time before he ruined him completely.

“You got hurt...because of me,” Shinji said, voice hollow.

“Please, don't be upset,” Kaworu begged. “There's no need to see this as anything beyond what it is. I'm not…” He trailed off, hesitant, but ultimately completed his sentence. “I'm not dying.”

Shinji finally mustered the nerve to look at his face. Kaworu's nose wasn't terribly swollen; perhaps the cold air was helpful in that regard. There was no crookedness to suggest that he had broken it. That made Shinji a bit calmer, but that feeling only lasted until another drop of blood ran down to Kaworu's upper lip, following the contours of his mouth before dripping to the ground. Kaworu quickly wiped away the trail with his glove.

Shinji swallowed the thick feeling in his throat. “It's just...seeing your blood… I've only ever seen it when…”

“This is nothing, Shinji-kun. See? The bleeding is already slowing. I’ll just have a bruise; that's all.” He stood up with Shinji’s assistance. As soon as he was upright, Shinji hugged him tightly, too shaken up to care about the public setting. The park was empty, anyway.

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled into the fabric of Kaworu's coat. “I didn't think you were going to get hurt, and I didn't think it would upset me so much that you did.”

“You don't need to apologize,” Kaworu said soothingly. “You said it already: you've only ever seen my blood in really horrible situations. It's only natural that you would react like that. There's no need to apologize.”

“Y-You're right,” Shinji said, admitting defeat. “But I still shouldn't have made you jump.”

“Stop trying to blame yourself. Besides, it was fun.” He took Shinji’s arm and pulled him back towards the swingset. “Come on; I'll push you, now.”

“Huh? No, we should go back,” Shinji insisted.

“You have given me the kind of memorable experience I didn’t get during my childhood. I don’t want it to end yet.” He tugged on Shinji’s sleeve once more. “You didn’t get a turn.”

Shinji _had_ been the one to suggest this kind of thing in the first place. He heaved a heavy sigh and followed Kaworu's lead, sitting on the swing. Kaworu stood behind him and put his hands on his back, ready to push him, but he didn't do it right away. Instead, his hands slid around Shinji's waist, pressing firmly enough against him to feel the shape of his body beneath his puffy coat. Shinji tolerated it patiently, but when Kaworu's hands threatened to wander towards more dangerous territory, he realized that he may have lost sight of his original goal.

Shinji cleared his throat. “You were going to push me?”

“Oh, right.”

As Kaworu started to push him, Shinji felt the harsh air whip around him with more ferocity. Its sharpness made his eyes water, but there was something exhilarating about the shocking cold sensation. He found it difficult to get much air into his lungs, but it made him feel alert and focused on the present. After a moment, Kaworu's hands were no longer meeting his back; his swing had reached its full arch, and he felt a rush of adrenaline, making him want to leap from it.

“Please don’t jump, darling,” Kaworu called, reading his mind. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“You’re such a hypocrite!” Shinji yelled, feeling unhinged. Disregarding Kaworu’s plea, he launched himself from the swing, enjoying the terror before colliding with the ground. He chose to tumble into the snow rather than attempt a clear landing. Rei wouldn’t care too much about Kaworu, but she would be mad if Shinji came home all busted up, too.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Shinji said, still on his back in the snow. It was a comforting position to be in. He remembered how it felt as a kid to sneak out of his house and come here, to this park, to stare at the night sky. It felt absurd to do it as an adult.

“You could have gotten hurt,” Kaworu chastised. “I told you not to jump.”

Shinji ignored him, still focused on the stars, trying to return to his adolescent mindset, if only for a moment. Part of him wished he could get some of that innocence back; then, he could enjoy his parents’ company without anything lurking below the surface. He could hug his mother without feeling like he was about to cry. He could come to his boyfriend’s assistance when he was injured instead of freezing up and becoming useless. That was the worst one, really; he had needed Kaworu to comfort _him,_ when he should have been the one making sure Kaworu was alright. He couldn’t carry on like that; he refused to spend the rest of his life acting like an inconsolable child.

Shinji heard the sound of crunching footsteps, catching his attention. A second later, Kaworu's worried face appeared in his line of vision as he leaned over him.

“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head when you landed?” He asked, not seeming like he was making a joke.

Shinji’s gaze hadn’t yet wavered from its fixation on the sky. “No, I didn’t. I’m just thinking.”

Kaworu crouched down beside him. “What are you thinking about?” He asked. Shinji glanced at him; the genuine interest he saw in his eyes reminded him why he had chosen to continue living this way. It wasn’t about what was easier; it was about what gave him more to live for. Kaworu had always felt that he existed to make Shinji happy, but Shinji was now realizing that it worked in reciprocal, too. He wanted to make Kaworu smile. He wanted to see him truly enjoy life for the first time. He didn’t care what he had to sacrifice to make that happen.

Finally, Shinji sat up. “I was just thinking that I’m glad you’re here.” He paused. “And I don’t mean, like, just here right now... I think back to the way I used to be, and...it’s like I wasn’t even alive. I had nothing behind me, pushing me forward. I was just existing. But y-you gave me a reason to live,” he finished with a stutter, feeling like he had shared too much.

Kaworu's eyes were wide, glinting in the dim glow provided by the streetlights. “I...gave you something to live for?”

“Yeah, I mean… You’re someone I want to protect. I want to help you live the best life you can. I know you’ve always wanted that for me, but I want it for you, too.”

Shinji’s earnest words were met with silence. “Did I…say something stupid?” He asked meekly.

“No, no,” Kaworu assured. “Not at all. I was just having difficulty putting my feelings into words... You’ve already made me happier than I have ever been, Shinji-kun. You’re the only thing I need to make me happy. But...to hear that you feel a drive to protect me and ensure my happiness…” He went quiet for a moment. “This is the first time that I’ve felt that my feelings for you are truly reciprocated.”

Although it was his instinct to take offense to Kaworu’s confession, he fought the urge to express it. Kaworu had lived so many lives where Shinji hadn’t expressed his feelings towards him. It was drilled into Kaworu’s brain to assume that Shinji’s love could never match his own, even now that all those Shinjis were amalgamated into one and had already stated their feelings for him.

“They are reciprocated,” Shinji promised. “I mean it. I would die for you. I wouldn’t hesitate.”

Kaworu shook his head. “You don’t need to make that promise.”

“Yes, I do.”

A small, sad smile barely lifted the corners of Kaworu's mouth. He searched Shinji’s eyes; Shinji hoped he found what he was looking for.

“Thank you,” Kaworu finally whispered.

They decided to go home, then, before the conversation grew any heavier. As they walked back, Shinji recognized some of the houses as having previously belonged to his childhood friends. He couldn’t help but stare into the backlit windows, finding nothing but curtains concealing whatever was inside. It didn’t matter, anyway; he knew that the people who had once lived there weren’t there anymore. He had no idea where they were now. Did they ever think about him? Did they ever walk past his old house and wonder where he went?

“I know I already said it, but thank you for coming with me,” Shinji said, breaking the silence. “I can never resist the urge to go around the neighbourhood when I come back here, and I always end up feeling lonely after a while, because the people who exist in my memories aren't in my life anymore. None of my childhood friends have ever kept in contact with me. I haven't had anyone want to stay in my life that long.” He paused, chuckling under his breath. “Aside from you, I guess. But it makes it easier to visit these places when I'm not alone, so I'm glad you're here.”

Kaworu smiled warmly. “I'm honoured to accompany you. I like learning about your past.”

“I'm sorry if it's been boring for you,” Shinji apologized, although he knew it wasn’t necessary.

Kaworu shook his head. “Seeing the places where you grew up is very meaningful to me. I don’t find it boring. It’s a blessing to be in such a mundane area with you.”

“You don’t find it boring, but you call it mundane…”

“I call it mundane because it is, and that’s a good thing. I like that this is an ordinary neighborhood. These cookie-cutter houses are full of people. The cracks in the sidewalk are due to age, not an Angel attack. Everything here is normal. Including us.”

“I-I guess you’re right,” Shinji relented.

“I cannot wait to have a normal life with you. We can get an apartment together, and cook, and run errands, and… I don’t know, get a cat, or a houseplant, or something. As long as I get to wake up next to you every morning, I don’t care how boring my life is. I _want_ it to be boring. I think we both deserve that.”

“I get what you mean, but...” His voice lowered to a mumble. “...It won't be boring if we're together.”

Kaworu raised his eyebrows, surprised by Shinji’s words. “I know that you’ll likely stop as soon as I bring it up, but you seem to be speaking with less of a filter than usual, Shinji-kun. I like it.”

Shinji looked down at the sidewalk. “M-Maybe I’m trying to be more upfront about things. You do it so easily, and it’s not really fair if I don’t try, at least.” It was hard to risk his dignity by being genuine, but he figured Kaworu was a good person to start with. He would never make fun of Shinji if he knew he was putting himself in a vulnerable position.

When they got back to the house, Yui met them at the door with her usual welcoming demeanour. Once she saw Kaworu more clearly, though, she gasped dramatically.

“Oh, dear! What happened?” She cried, covering her mouth with her hands. Shinji glanced at Kaworu, finding that his nose looked much worse under the artificial light; there was bruising under his eyes, too. He winced in sympathy.

Kaworu’s hand reflexively flew up to touch his nose. “It’s nothing. I slipped on some ice, that’s all.”

“Are you sure it isn’t broken?” She asked, inspecting his face with more scrutiny. Kaworu didn't answer right away; Shinji raised an eyebrow at him. He had told Shinji he was fine...

“...No, I’m not certain,” he finally admitted.

“What?!” Shinji snapped. “You told me it wasn’t!”

Kaworu looked like he was coping with heavy guilt. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

Shinji crossed his arms, silently fuming. He then told Kaworu to go to the hospital, but Kaworu insisted that there was nothing they would be able to do to fix it. Yui took Kaworu's side, agreeing that there wasn’t much to be done for a broken nose aside from waiting for it to heal.

Rei was the only person who seemed as irritated as Shinji was at Kaworu’s dismissal of his injury. When she eventually learned what had happened, she frowned at Kaworu in disapproval.

"If you want to be a dependable partner for Shinji, you should take better care of yourself," she scolded. "You're lucky it wasn't worse."

Shinji was surprised to hear her say that. She wouldn't have chastised Kaworu if she didn't care about him. Even though she was treating him like he was just an extension of Shinji, it was a huge step forward for her to express concern towards him.

Despite his injury, Kaworu remained as charming and composed as ever while he endured their stay with Shinji's family. His parents seemed to have fallen for his cordial façade. Everything was going smoothly, and before long, Christmas morning rolled around. Shinji shouldn't have been as surprised as he was when Gendo woke him up at six o’clock.

“Wake up!” Gendo urged, jostling Shinji until he opened his eyes. “Wake up, wake up! It’s Christmas!”

Shinji yawned, blinking until his eyes could focus on the image of his overexcited father.

“Hurry up and come out to the living room!” He then skipped out of the room, presumably to risk his life by waking up Rei.

Shinji sighed, looking at Kaworu. He begrudgingly shook him awake and dragged him out of bed. This only happened once a year, he supposed; he couldn’t deny his father this experience.

At Gendo’s childish insistence, they all sat around the tree to exchange gifts. Yui expressed that she felt guilty that she had nothing for Kaworu. If they had known he was coming, they would have procured a gift for him, as well, but he assured them that their acceptance of him as Shinji’s partner was enough for him. They seemed impressed.

Like they did every year, Shinji’s parents gave him and Rei matching pyjamas with the instruction of putting them on immediately. When they both came back in identical candy-cane-print outfits, Yui took a picture.

As the pile of presents beneath the tree dwindled, Shinji realized there was one wrapped in a different paper than his parents’ usual selection. He picked it up and saw that the tag read his name. Shinji looked up at Kaworu to find that he was smiling. 

“Y-You didn’t need to get me anything,” Shinji said, embarrassed that he had nothing to give in return.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kaworu said. “I wanted to surprise you.”

Shinji could feel his eyes on him as he tore away the polka-dotted paper to reveal what was underneath. It took Shinji a moment to recognize that it was an SDAT, identical to the one he used to own.

“They don't make them anymore, so it was hard to find, but it really works,” Kaworu explained. “If it ever breaks, I still know how to fix it.”

Shinji felt the weight of it in his palms, feeling the familiar buttons under his thumb. His only comfort, the only constant thing he had, was in his hands again. Now, instead of being a blockade between himself and the people around him, it reminded him that he had those people around him now. Now, they loved him; he had no need to shut them out. He felt tears spring to his eyes, and he quickly blinked them away; he wasn't sure how he would explain his emotional response to an obsolete cassette player.

“I hope it isn't an unpleasant reminder of the past,” Kaworu said, quietly. 

Shinji shook his head, now squeezing his eyes shut to hide his reaction. “I-It's not unpleasant.”

“Do you like it?”

Shinji nodded, unable to put his feelings into words. He opened his eyes, no longer caring about the tears that fell, and set the SDAT in his lap so he could hold Kaworu's hands.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “It's nice to see this again.”

“I had one just like that when I was a kid!” Gendo chimed in, voice booming. “It's long gone, now. I can't believe you tracked one down!”

“Can't you tell that this is an important moment for them?” Rei asked. Her snide banter helped to ground Shinji in the present again. He never thought he would be appreciative of her rudeness, but here he was.

Surrounded by his family while holding something from his past made him feel secure. He felt like the separate parts of his life were starting to blend, and that he was heading towards a unified future. It didn’t seem like a faraway possibility anymore; he really felt like he was beginning to heal.

“Now, who wants hot cocoa?” Yui asked, surveying the room. Shinji choked back another round of tears as he raised his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn this went in a lot of directions i hadn’t intended it to lol, it was supposed to be mostly just fluff but things kept coming up that i wanted to explore. also yeah kaworu broke his nose but he’s still hot, don’t worry


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji has a stressful day; Kaworu helps him work out some tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhh i really took just as long as last time to update huh... i kept waffling on how i wanted certain aspects of this chapter to go but i think it’s finally ready for public consumption. also today is my birthday and what better way to celebrate than finally editing and posting a new chapter!! lol
> 
> ** this chapter was revised on january 7th, 2021 :)

It was the night before the first day of his final semester, and Shinji couldn’t sleep. The thought of finishing school terrified him. He couldn’t escape the thought that in a few months, once this was over, he was expected to become a real adult. After years of nonstop schooling, he was going to be pushed out into a world where he would (hopefully) never set foot in a class again. It was a weird thought, and he didn’t want to confront it.

Eventually, after thinking through the issue for a few hours, he had to get up to use the washroom (he had drank too much water before bed, yet again). It was late, and he hated getting up in the middle of the night in case he woke Rei or Asuka — both were equally terrifying when awoken — but he didn’t have a choice. He opened his door as quietly as he could, peeking out into the hallway, but he may have been _too_ quiet; he saw something he shouldn’t have seen. 

Asuka, dressed only in an oversized T-shirt, knocked on Rei’s door. Shinji wondered why, and he almost asked her if she needed something, but Rei let her in a second later. The door shut behind them. Shinji stared at the now-vacant hallway, waiting for Asuka to come back out, but she just...didn’t. She was just...in Rei’s room...without pants.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying so hard to block his mind from envisioning anything weird involving his sister. Gross. Why was that the first direction his brain went? They were probably just talking about something.

No matter how much he wanted to just go back to his room and pretend he hadn’t seen anything, he couldn’t ignore the reason he had gotten out of bed to begin with. When he got to the bathroom, he realized he could hear Asuka’s muffled giggles through the wall. Were they unconcerned with hiding it? They had to have heard him walk down the hall, right? 

Regardless, he had no other option but to pretend he hadn’t witnessed anything out of the ordinary. He flushed the toilet, bracing himself for someone to come knocking on the door in anger once they heard the sound, but neither Rei nor Asuka expressed any kind of shock at Shinji revealing his presence. He could still hear them talking through the wall as if they hadn’t noticed him.

In retrospect, he felt silly for having assumed this was anything worth hiding. They were friends. Friends went into each others’ rooms at night. Friends slept in the same bed all the time! Shinji had done that, too; he had invited Kaworu to sleep over with him before, and — well, okay, maybe he wasn’t the best example...

Okay, so Shinji might not have done that (as an adult, anyway), but that didn’t mean it wasn’t something other people did. Some people were close enough friends that they could share a bed without crossing a boundary.

Still, Asuka hadn’t been wearing pants… That might have been something girls did, though. That sounded like something Toji had mentioned before. Then again, Toji might not have been the most reliable source when it came to the habits of women…

It wouldn’t do any good to worry about this when he couldn’t get an answer straight away. It was definitely preferable to worrying about where his life was going, though, so Shinji let his mind race. Rei had always preferred Asuka’s company to that of her brother, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. But Rei was a lesbian, wasn’t she? Shinji had never actually asked her about that. He felt that it was too invasive, and that if she wanted him to know, then she would tell him.

Asuka definitely wasn’t a lesbian, though; she had dated Shinji! However, Shinji had dated Asuka, and that hadn’t affected his decision to date a man… She could be bisexual, like him. Really, she _could_ be a lesbian, and she could have just faked her interest in Shinji altogether. He hadn’t given it much thought before this. But now that he had started to speculate, he realized that he hadn’t seen Asuka date anyone in a while, and it started to seem more likely that Rei was the reason. He had very little evidence, though, and his inquisitive mind craved something that would calm it down.

The more he tried to come to a conclusion, the more he concluded that he didn’t actually know very much about Rei or Asuka’s personal lives. Even if they were dating, what could he do? He didn’t want to confront them about it, but he also didn’t want them to feel like they had to keep their relationship a secret in their own home. If he were to bring it up, though, he would have to make a solid case. He would have to start paying more attention.

Shinji’s detective work couldn’t take priority, though; he had school to attend. When morning finally came, he made his way to class like a zombie, barely registering what he was doing. He had hardly slept. His first class was meant to be a seminar where the students would discuss amongst themselves, but Shinji knew that the professor liked to take up as much class time as possible by talking at them instead. At least he wouldn’t have to use his brain to come up with coherent thoughts, but it would still be difficult to pay attention.

It seemed like torture to listen to a droning professor while his mind itched to tackle a more pressing issue, but he tried his best to focus. After about thirty seconds, though, his eyes wandered around the classroom, trying to find anything to help ease his restless mind. Who was in this class with him? Was there anyone present who would know more about Asuka’s personal life than he did? 

He caught sight of Hikari sitting at a desk at the front of the room. His friendship with Hikari was largely surface-level, mostly of his own accord, but he knew she was friends with Asuka. Maybe he could get some useful information out of her. It looked like she was distracted with social media, anyway, so he decided to send her a message.

“Hey! I’m sitting behind you in class,” he sent before realizing how creepy it sounded.

“Oh, hi! Haha, I’m not doing a good job of paying attention.”

“Me neither,” Shinji sent with a smiley face. The time for small talk was over. He had to get serious. “I have kind of a weird question for you,” he typed. “Do you know anything about Rei and Asuka?”

“What about them?” Hikari answered with a question of her own.

Shinji tried to look like he was taking notes as he typed out a longer message. “I don’t know… Is there something going on between them? I saw Asuka going into Rei’s room last night. I think they might be dating, but they’ve never mentioned anything like that to me before.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. You should ask them about it.”

“If you don’t think so, then why would I need to ask them?”

Hikari took a moment before responding. “Okay, forget I said the first part. You should ask them.”

“So I’m not going crazy? They’re a couple?”

“I don’t know if they’re a couple, but there is something going on between them. That’s honestly all that I know! Asuka doesn’t share that much with me, either.”

“I’m so oblivious,” Shinji typed, hoping his despair came through. “How did it take me this long to notice?”

“Asuka and Rei are pretty good at being sneaky. Besides, if you aren’t aware of it to begin with, then it makes sense that you didn’t notice. Have you been busy with other things?”

“Yeah, I have been.” Shinji hovered his fingers over the keyboard, debating on whether he was about to overshare or not. He ultimately decided that sharing news about his life was a normal thing to do, so he continued typing. “Do you remember Kaworu-kun? He and I started dating a few weeks ago, so I guess Asuka and Rei haven’t really been at the forefront of my mind lately.”

“Oh, really? That’s great. Congratulations!”

Shinji frowned at the word, but shook the feeling off. “Thanks.”

“I do remember him. I think we had all assumed you were already dating, though,” Hikari said with a sheepish-looking emoji. “But that explains why you didn’t pick up on any clues; you’ve been caught up in your own love life.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I’m not such an idiot after all.”

“Definitely not!” Hikari assured, as sweet and chipper as ever.

Although Hikari’s revelation had only deepened his thirst for the truth, Shinji ultimately decided against asking Asuka and Rei about their situation. If they had wanted him to know, they would have told him. He hoped they would, someday. Whatever their relationship was, he chose to respect their desire to keep it hidden from him. He would pretend that he had never seen anything to indicate that they were more than friends.

After making that difficult choice, Shinji’s mind was more at ease, allowing him to pay slightly more attention to the rest of his classes. It would take him time to readjust to sitting for hours on end and focusing on one thing; he had gotten too acclimated to doing nothing during the break. The first day was always the longest.

His final class of the day was with Kaworu; it would be their first class together since they had started dating, and he wondered if that would change anything. Kaworu had never let his penchant for Shinji get in the way of his studies before, so it seemed unlikely that he would do it now. However, Kaworu hadn’t been aware of Shinji’s feelings for him back then. Now that he was, he might be unable (or just unwilling) to suppress his eternal, undying desire to capture Shinji’s attention. Shinji really hoped this wasn’t the case.

When he got to class and took his seat, the first thing Shinji noticed was the evident bruising still remaining on Kaworu’s face, which temporarily distracted him from hearing what Kaworu was saying. After a second, though, he listened.

“At last, we meet; I have been anticipating it all day. The light has returned to my life,” Kaworu said, softly kissing the back of Shinji’s hand. “There is no greater pleasure to me than beholding you.”

“D-Dude, you can’t just profess your love for me in public like that!” Shinji blurted, eyes darting around the room. Kaworu smiled like he thought Shinji’s reaction was amusing. Although it was difficult, Shinji recalled his own pledge to be more open, and followed up with, “But I guess I was looking forward to seeing you, too.”

Kaworu kept smiling at him.

“W-What is it?” Shinji asked, nervous. The dreamy look in Kaworu’s eyes made him dread whatever was about to come out of his mouth.

“Would you consider skipping class to go get frisky with me in an empty classroom?” He asked, petting Shinji’s arm.

Shinji recoiled, glaring incredulously. “Y-You’re joking...right?”

“Maybe,” Kaworu said, still smiling. “Maybe not.”

Shinji actually considered it for a split second — there was probably a nearby classroom available this time of day, and with all the time spent with Rei over the break, they hadn’t had a chance to indulge in each other for a second time. He knew his face would give it away if he thought about it too long, though, so he shook his head and willed his cheeks to stop turning pink.

“How can you seriously suggest something so irresponsible? It’s the first day of class!” He scolded. “You ought to care more about your studies.”

“I would much rather study you,” Kaworu purred.

“N-No!” Shinji squawked. “Absolutely not! This isn’t going to work on me!”

Kaworu chuckled. “I will admit defeat.”

Class proceeded without any more difficulty. Kaworu had to suppress his likely-overwhelming urge to hold Shinji’s hand because Shinji needed to use it to take notes, which was harder than he had expected it to be. It was only the first day, and he was _already_ struggling to follow along. It dawned on him how difficult the semester was about to be. Every time he reached the end of a term, he seemed to forget how hard school was, and he was always shocked when it resumed again. 

Regardless, he survived. As the class packed up once the lecture was over, Professor Katsuragi walked up the steps, approaching Kaworu. What could she be coming over for? Shinji panicked and shrunk against the wall, as if it would make him disappear. He didn’t need a repeat of last time.

“Nagisa, I have to ask,” she said with concern, “Is everything alright? Your face…”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Kaworu said, touching his nose as if he had forgotten about his injury. “It was broken, but it wasn’t terrible, and it’s healing well.”

“You broke your nose?” The professor repeated in shock.

“Yes. It may sound childish, but Shinji-kun and I were playing at a park and I slipped on some ice.”

“H-He was on a swing and I told him to jump off,” Shinji cut in, coming to his defense. “It was my fault—”

Kaworu spoke over him. “Regardless of whose fault it was, it’s fine now. The bruises are just taking a while to fade.”

She shook her head with a ’tsk’ and said, “It’s always something with you two. I’d like it if you could go the rest of the school year without another incident.”

Shinji knew she had intended her words to be a lighthearted show of concern, but he was so intimidated by her that it felt like a threat. He almost said, “Yes, ma’am,” but he stopped himself from creating another humiliating memory. He wouldn’t have to worry about that for long, though; after this semester, he wouldn’t see Misato anymore. He would probably never see her again for the rest of his life.

He felt like something important was about to be lost, but he had to remind himself that it was _already_ lost. This Misato was not one of the ones he knew. She was a new person, now. He had never known this Misato on a deeper level, so he wasn’t bidding farewell to anyone important to him. Why weren’t these thoughts providing him any comfort?

He sighed heavily, but when Kaworu looked over at him with concern, he flashed him a smile that didn’t quite reach the top half of his face. He didn’t feel like bringing this up with him. He was too tired.

Now that the school day was over, it was time for Shinji to go home, but he didn’t want to. He felt weird, and lonely, and he knew he was fated to spend the night staring at his ceiling again. Kaworu was pulled aside by some other students in the hallway, and he told Shinji that he didn’t need to wait for him. Shinji lingered anyway. He hoped Kaworu hadn’t scheduled anything important that evening.

Besides, if he wasn’t at home, then he wouldn’t risk acting strange around Rei and Asuka. He wasn’t confident that he would be able to act normal around them, and he didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. The nicest thing he could do for them was to disappear for the night. If they were dating, then they could be together without worrying about Shinji finding out, and if they weren’t, they would probably enjoy the break from him anyway.

Kaworu finally wriggled out of his classmates’ proverbial grasp, joining up with Shinji and taking his hand. He seemed to be able to sense Shinji’s demeanour, because he squeezed his hand more tightly than usual.

“Would you like to come over tonight?” Kaworu asked, then held his free hand up in a gesture of innocence. “I mean no pretense. I’ve just been...lonely without you, and although my apartment is small, it feels too empty now that it’s seen you come and go.”

“Yeah, I’d like to. I’m feeling kind of lonely, too,” he confessed. “I feel weird when Misato-san looks at me. I miss her. It’s like I’m a ghost and she can’t see me, even though I’m right in front of her.”

“Shinji-kun…”

Shinji barrelled on. “And I found out that Rei and Asuka are probably dating, and I have no idea how long that’s been going on. Neither of them told me about it. I had to ask Hikari — another person who never talks to me. It’s like everyone is carrying on with their lives and leaving me behind. And I’m — all I have is you, again.”

“Hey, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, getting his attention before he got lost in his head. “This isn’t like it used to be. All of those people care about you, to varying degrees. You have no reason to question that. The professor doesn’t remember you, and I know that it hurts to realize, but she does care about you within the parameters of your new positions. And don’t worry about Rei and Asuka; it’s likely that they didn’t want to upset you by telling you about their relationship. I doubt it’s been going on for very long. Maybe they’re still tentative about it.”

Shinji had no tangible argument.

“And to say that I’m all you have again,” Kaworu said, sounding like he was trying not to let his hurt feelings come across. “Is that a fear of yours? That the cycle will repeat, and you’ll be left with only me to turn to?”

He shuffled his feet. “I-I don’t know. Maybe.”

“That won’t happen. I promise. This world is so full of people that you’ll never be left with only me.”

Shinji’s voice was reduced to a mumble. “I-It’s not that you’re not enough for me. It’s because I never, ever want to feel like it wasn’t my choice to love you. And if you’re the only person I have, then I might start to doubt that.”

Kaworu tilted his head with a besotten look on his face. “I don’t think my heart will ever be prepared for you telling me that you love me.”

“Did you hear the rest of what I said?”

“Yes. I never want you to doubt your...love for me,” Kaworu said, involuntarily smiling as he said the word. “I want you to be happy, and I know that includes you having other people to rely on. I will never come between you and the people you care about — not even your father. Do you trust me?”

Shinji’s mind started to calm down. “I do.” He sighed out of both relief and exhaustion. “I’m sorry for bringing this up.”

“No need to apologize. You should always feel that you can talk to me about your worries,” Kaworu said, tugging on Shinji’s hand and leading him down the hallway. “Let’s go home. I can tell that you’re tired.”

Shinji would have fallen asleep on the bus had it not been packed to the brim with students, although he had been lucky enough to get on when there were still seats available. Someone kept hitting him in the face with their backpack by mistake each time the bus stopped, and he could sense Kaworu’s bubbling anger as he side-eyed the offending student. Out of respect for Shinji’s desire to remain inconspicuous in public, though, he stayed quiet and switched seats with Shinji instead.

After such a bizarrely perplexing day, it was a relief to arrive at Kaworu's apartment, so quiet unlike his own. There was no Asuka stomping her feet as she walked, talking too loudly; there was no Rei — well, actually, Rei was always quiet, but Asuka created enough noise for the both of them.

Kaworu needed to spend part of the evening reading in preparation for the rest of the week, which inadvertently peer-pressured Shinji into doing some readings of his own that he had intended on ignoring. He was surprised at how much he learned from simply receiving information and thinking about it for a while. It was rather late in his academic career to realize that reading was a fundamental part of learning, but at least the realization had come to him in the end.

He started to lose focus, though, and his attention shifted to the studious man sitting cross-legged at the other end of the coffee table. Kaworu's eyes darted across the page he was reading, unaware that he was being watched. Shinji studied him, noting to himself how pretty Kaworu really was. His crimson eyes were barely visible behind his pale lashes at this angle, but Shinji still found himself captivated. Kaworu was beautiful in such a delicate way — but Shinji knew there was considerable strength beneath that image of fragility.

A certain feeling started to stir in his gut as he let his mind wander, reminding him that they were totally, one-hundred-percent alone. He would be a fool to throw this chance away.

Shinji tore a strip of paper from an old quiz sticking out of his backpack, crumpled it, and flicked it at Kaworu’s face. Kaworu looked up from the anthology in front of him.

“Are you getting bored?”

“Kind of.”

“Have you finished reading what you were assigned?” He asked, dubious of Shinji's work ethic.

“Pretty much,” Shinji exaggerated. “You’re a way faster reader than I am, though; how can you still be busy?”

“I’m reading ahead,” Kaworu said, tucking a bookmark into the page and setting the book aside. “But I can stop now. Was there something you wanted to do?”

Shinji hummed like he was thinking about it. "We haven't really been alone in a while, and it seems like a waste to spend our time together on schoolwork."

“That is true,” Kaworu mused. “I spent so much time at your apartment while Rei was there, and then we visited your parents... I suppose we haven’t been truly alone since the night we…” Kaworu trailed off.

“T-The night we played piano together,” Shinji finished for him.

“Right.”

They fell silent. Shinji thought about where he could steer this line of conversation. What was an innocuous activity that he could use as a jumping-off point?

“You have a bathtub, right?” He asked, choosing something that wasn’t really that innocuous. 

“Yes, I do. Would you like to use it?”

Shinji drummed his fingers on the table. “That depends. Will you come with me?”

Kaworu looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Shinji-kun... do you realize what you're saying?”

“What's the big deal? We've taken baths together before. Do you not want to?” He asked, then added, “It’s okay if you don’t.”

“If it’s what you want, then I have no problem with it.” He rose from the floor, holding a hand out to Shinji. “How could I deny you such a simple request?”

Shinji took his hand, eyeing him inquisitively. He _knew_ that Kaworu understood the subtext, but he hadn’t directly addressed it yet. He wondered if Kaworu was trying to get him to say it first.

“O-Okay, then… I guess I’ll get the water running.”

Shinji went into the bathroom and knelt beside the bathtub, turning on the faucet. He dipped his hand under the stream of water to gauge the temperature and adjusted the knob accordingly. He hoped Kaworu was prepared for a mild scalding, because there was no way Shinji could relax in a lukewarm bath.

Kaworu lingered in the doorway, watching Shinji from a distance. “Do I need to...get anything from the bedroom?”

“Like what?” Shinji asked, feigning innocence.

Kaworu crossed his arms. “I-I don’t know, I’m just asking in case there was...anything you had in mind.”

Shinji raised an eyebrow. “Why are you so nervous? I’m the one who suggested this; shouldn’t that tell you enough?”

“I can’t make any assumptions. It's always been me coming onto you, Shinji-kun. If you don’t make your intentions clear, then I can’t be sure that I’m not merely reading too much into the situation. You don’t make it easy, either. You have a tendency to be...less than upfront about your desires.”

“Well, I’m obviously going to seem reserved compared to you,” Shinji argued in defense of himself; he didn’t like the implication that he was a prude. “You suggested that we take a bath together the first night we met. And you held my hand! _And_ asked to come to bed with me!”

Kaworu’s expression softened at the reminder. “Yes, I was a bit overeager, but you can’t really blame me for that. I've always wanted to be close to you more than I have ever wanted anything. That night, you were so timid, and I just wanted you to open up to me. I suppose I also wanted more beyond that, but…”

Shinji thought back to that time, now so far in the past; he remembered the strange attraction he felt that made him want to wait for Kaworu after his sync test. He hadn’t realized until it was too late — or maybe he _had_ known, and suppressed the feeling — but Kaworu’s curiosity, his tentative love, had been reciprocated. Shinji had regretted staying on the floor that night.

He stood, crossing the small room until they were close enough to touch. “You might not believe me, but I wanted that, too.”

“You...had the same feelings towards me?”

“Yes. I still do.” He read Kaworu's disbelief and added, “Is that...bad?”

“No, absolutely not. It’s just… I’m not used to anyone wanting me, let alone _you._ I want you so much, Shinji-kun, and I can’t imagine you feeling the same way about me. I’m trying my hardest to believe you. I’m sorry it’s so difficult.”

Shinji knew that it would take a long, long, long time for Kaworu to understand that Shinji’s feelings matched his own. That included his feelings of attraction. He wasn’t going to give up on it, though. He would do whatever it took to make it clear to him.

“I know it’s hard to understand. I know you’re not just going to hear it once and believe me forever. I’ll keep telling you. I’ll keep showing you.” He softly kissed his lips as reassurance. “Now, you go get what you think we might need. I'll go ahead and get in.”

Kaworu frowned again. “You’re still being too vague. Do you want to have sex with me or not?”

Shinji stammered, fumbling for words for a second. “Y-You can’t just ask me that!”

“I need you to answer me honestly,” Kaworu insisted, not backing down.

Shinji sighed. “Yes, Kaworu-kun, I want to have sex with you. Alright?”

Kaworu's frown was swiftly replaced with a smile. “Alright. I’ll be right back.”

Shinji turned the light off before undressing as quickly as he could; he had to hurry because if Kaworu caught him before he had a chance to get in the water, then he might not get a chance at all. Luckily, he was getting in just as he heard footsteps approaching from down the hall. Kaworu smiled when he saw Shinji sitting with his knees pulled into his chest.

“Hurry up,” Shinji said with feigned annoyance. “The water’s gonna get cold.”

Kaworu discreetly placed some objects from his pocket on a small shelf beside the bathtub. Shinji was trying not to stare — it was obvious what had been set down — so he looked at Kaworu instead, but then Kaworu was pulling his sweater over his head and Shinji didn't know where to look. Ultimately, his eye was drawn to Kaworu's body, sufficiently lit by the small plug-in nightlight on the wall. Kaworu didn't seem to mind the audience; he shamelessly shrugged out of his clothes and tossed them to the corner of the room.

“You don’t need to be shy about looking at me, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu gently chided. “I feel honoured that you’d even want to.”

Shinji felt that it ought to be the other way around, although he chose to stay silent instead of voicing his opinion. Kaworu was visually striking in a way Shinji was not. Shinji was plain-looking — he had boring, gravel-blue eyes and hair the colour of mud. He knew, of course, that there was much more behind Kaworu’s feelings for him than mere physical attraction. That had to be the case; otherwise it wouldn’t make any sense. Why would someone who looked like Kaworu want anything to do with him? 

He made himself as small as possible while Kaworu stepped in behind him, raising the water level as he did so. It felt better to have more of his body covered by the water. Even though he knew it was transparent, he felt more secure.

Kaworu pulled him back towards his chest, and Shinji settled against him. The feeling of their skin pressing together wasn’t quite erotic enough to make him any less sleepy, though.

“Are you comfortable?” Kaworu asked, voice soft.

Shinji hummed in affirmation and let his tired eyes fall shut. It was nice to let his body go limp in Kaworu's arms with nothing for his ears to focus on besides the ventilation fan.

“If you’re too tired, we can just stay like this,” Kaworu murmured after a few minutes. “I don’t mind.”

That did sound nice. Even so, after the day he’d had, Shinji needed the validation that came with physical intimacy. He could sleep later; he needed to cope with his feelings of loneliness.

So, instead of answering, Shinji sat up and turned around to face him. He didn’t miss how Kaworu’s eyes raked over his body, slowly clouding over with lust and giving Shinji the boost in confidence he needed.

“I’m not going to spend our fleeting time together taking a nap, Kaworu-kun.”

“Okay,” Kaworu said, still so distracted that he couldn’t meet Shinji’s eyes. “What do you want to do?”

Shinji paused for a moment, looking down at Kaworu; his skin was glossy from the water and his cock was already half-hard just from looking at Shinji. What _did_ he want to do with him? He reached out, trailing his palm up the inside of Kaworu’s thigh, stopping just shy of his cock. He dawdled for a moment, as if he was thinking about it, before finally taking it into his hand. Kaworu's head rolled back against the tiled wall as Shinji started to stroke him.

“What do _you_ want to do?” Shinji asked, instead, although his question sounded more teasing than Kaworu‘s had.

“I-I want to be inside you, again,” he confessed. “If that’s okay with you.”

Shinji thought back to the last time, when Kaworu had been so desperate, so euphoric to be finally claiming the person who had meant more to him than anyone else. It was nice to be so deeply desired by him. And right now, Shinji needed to feel needed.

“That’s fine,” Shinji murmured. “More than fine. But, um, you’ll probably have to switch spots with me.”

Kaworu did as he was told, letting Shinji take his spot against the end of the bathtub. Shinji rested his arms against it, lifting his hips up out of the water. He was grateful that the ceiling light had been turned off.

Kaworu held his hips, humming in appreciation. He ran his palms up the backs of Shinji's thighs, squeezing his flesh and spreading Shinji open slightly with his thumbs. “I must admit that this is an appealing view, Shinji-kun,” he said. “What would you like me to do?”

“J-Just use your fingers, please,” he muttered, burying his face in his crossed forearms.

“Of course. I remember how much you enjoyed that last time.”

Kaworu reached over him to retrieve the lubricant from the shelf. Shinji noticed he also set a small cardboard box on the shelf — so he _had_ simply forgotten to use a condom last time. It wasn't that he didn't own any. Better late than never, he supposed.

Shinji’s back involuntarily arched when Kaworu slowly pushed the first finger inside. He bit down on his own wrist in an effort to stifle any noises he made as Kaworu stretched him open further, working in another one. He had forgotten how it felt to have Kaworu’s fingers curling inside of him, and it was tempting to let himself fall into the feeling — he doubted Kaworu would mind if he did. He didn’t want it to end so soon, though, so he told him to stop.

“I-I think I’m ready,” Shinji explained. “You can, um, p-put it in now.”

Kaworu seemed to be hesitating. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

Although he didn’t want Kaworu to have doubts about anything, it was comforting to know that he was lacking in confidence, too. It reassured Shinji that his feelings of insecurity were normal; even someone as undeniably hot as Kaworu wasn’t sure if barely-average-looking Shinji really wanted to have sex with him. There was something empowering about it.

“I already said it was okay,” Shinji muttered. “Anyway, I don’t want you to doubt whether or not I really want to do this kind of thing with you. At least not until we’re done.”

Kaworu sighed. “I apologize for being so insecure. It will be hard to permanently cast these doubts from my mind, but for now...I can focus my attention on you, instead.”

Shinji arched his hips up a little bit more. “Please do.”

“It is rather foolish of me to get distracted by my own petty fears when I have something much more interesting in front of me,” Kaworu said, rubbing Shinji’s hips. “I don’t believe that anything should sway me when I’m about to live out my single greatest fantasy; even if it is for the second time. How do you want to proceed?”

“We might as well continue like this. If we do it under the water, it might wash the stuff away.” 

Shinji heard him tear open the condom packet, then heard him roll it on. A wet sound followed which indicated that Kaworu was applying as much lubricant as he could.

“I'll go slowly, but please stop me if you're in pain,” he instructed as he pressed the head of his cock against Shinji's entrance. Shinji braced himself as he started to push in. He was much more mentally prepared this time around, as he had already survived this once. He knew it would be worth the small amount of pain. 

After a minute or two, he felt Kaworu's thighs touch the backs of his own, suggesting that he was mostly inside. As he had expected, the discomfort was subsiding, letting him begin to appreciate the feeling of fullness. The knowledge that Kaworu was likely barely holding himself back made it easier for Shinji to submerge himself in the atmosphere again. Kaworu had waited _years_ to do this, and he was only now doing it for the second time. It gave Shinji a sense of control, like he was bestowing something precious upon him.

“Are you alright?” Kaworu asked, stroking Shinji's hips to comfort him.

Shinji took a moment to catch his breath. “Yeah, I'm fine.” He wiggled his hips back on him, taking in the remaining few centimetres. “Go ahead.”

Kaworu started moving, hesitant at first but quickly giving in to the impulse. It was clear that Kaworu was less afraid than he had been the time before. He was still just as mindful of Shinji’s comfort, but he had learned that it wasn’t necessary to treat him like he was made of paper.

The water lapped at their thighs as he began to pick up speed. When Shinji started to bump his hips back to meet him, the water waved back and forth at a steady rhythm. Eventually, it gained enough momentum that a splash of water sloshed over the edge of the bathtub, but Kaworu didn't seem concerned about the mess; he wasn't focused on anything but Shinji.

“I-I’m not going to last much longer,” Kaworu confessed. “But I want to be closer to you…”

“We can change positions, if you want,” Shinji offered.

“Okay; let’s do it like this, then,” Kaworu said, sitting back on his heels and pulling Shinji up into his lap. “Is that alright?”

“Y-Yes,” Shinji stammered, distracted by how Kaworu had immediately started grabbing at every part of him that had previously been obscured from sight, appreciating that he was finally close enough to have access.

“I want you to kiss me,” Kaworu said, begging.

Shinji’s voice stuck in his throat at Kaworu’s earnest plea. He tangled his fingers in Kaworu's hair for leverage, pressing their open mouths together. He hadn't realized how much he missed being able to kiss him. It allowed him to communicate without words how lucky he felt to be doing this with him — he doubted he could have described it with words, anyway, even if he wanted to.

As his pace grew erratic, Kaworu's hands continued on their roundabout path, feeling around as much of Shinji's body as was possible before finally grasping at his cock. Shinji gasped, which Kaworu correctly interpreted as a signal to keep going.

“Shinji-kun, I...love you,” Kaworu murmured, likely on autopilot. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” He kept repeating it, over and over, not waiting for Shinji to say it in return. It didn’t seem like he needed to hear it right now.

Still, Shinji couldn’t help it. “I-I love you, too, Kaworu-kun…!”

Kaworu’s hand squeezed harder at the sound of Shinji’s voice, doing just enough to finally bring him to orgasm. His body arched up, leaning heavily back against Kaworu as he came over his fist. He could tell that Kaworu had reached the same point, based on the volume of his voice and his faltering movements. Kaworu hugged him close, grinding into him until it was over.

Shinji turned around after he felt Kaworu pull out of him. He kissed him immediately; it was sloppier than he had intended, but he couldn’t do much else until his brain regained control over his body. He wanted to punctuate how close he felt to him, so he kissed him until the weak feeling in his hips had subsided, only breaking free once he had the strength to sit up on his own.

“I know I just said it a million times,” Kaworu softly whispered, “But I really do love you, Shinji-kun.”

Shinji let his forehead press into Kaworu’s. “I love you more.”

“Impossible.”

Shinji laughed, giving up without much of a fight. Kaworu reached out, about to touch his face, but Shinji caught his hand by the wrist and quickly wiped it clean with the washcloth. Kaworu seemed like he suddenly remembered the mess involved, so he told Shinji to avert his eyes as he dealt with the condom. At least the setting made it easier to clean up.

The water was quickly losing its heat, though, so Kaworu helped Shinji up once they had recovered. He provided extra support for Shinji's shaky legs, keeping him upright as he stepped out of the bathtub. He then wrapped a fluffy towel around Shinji's shoulders and used the ends to dry his hair for him.

“Thank you for being so vulnerable with me,” Kaworu murmured, giving Shinji a peck on the forehead. “If only the version of myself from back then could see you now. He would be proud of how much you've opened up to me.”

“Can he... not see me?”

Kaworu hummed. “Perhaps he can. It's difficult for me to discern which thoughts are coming from whom; they all just feel like mine. They are all mine, really.”

“Maybe I could get him to talk to me,” Shinji mused.

Kaworu chuckled. “I doubt he would refuse the opportunity to speak with his beloved Shinji-kun.”

Shinji detected a hint of truth behind his humorous tone; he made note of it for the future. For now, he needed to get dressed before Kaworu got riled up again.

Kaworu had lent him some pyjamas, but they were a bit too big on Shinji; he had to roll up the pant legs to keep from tripping. Still, Kaworu was enthralled at the vision of Shinji in fleecy blue polka dots. It was bittersweet to see Kaworu taking joy in something so simple; it shouldn’t have been a rare delight to partake in domesticity.

“I hope that I'm able to live out the rest of my life with you like this,” Kaworu said. “Is that too much to ask?”

The earnest warmth in Kaworu's otherwise bleak words caused Shinji to really think about what he was saying. Was it too much to ask? From the moment they had arrived home that afternoon, Shinji had felt his mood improve; it was due to Kaworu's mere presence that he wasn't still moping and dwelling on the uncomfortable dissonance between his present and his past. He felt wary, as if he couldn't trust that this would last. Something had to go wrong, didn't it? It always did.

No; he wanted to believe that his instinct was wrong. It's what they were owed, after all; the universe was indebted to them.

“I don't think it's too much to ask. We deserve to be happy, don't we?” He paused. “Both of us.”

Kaworu briefly looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn't. He nodded once and said, “Yes, you're right. Both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asurei...........


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu gets everyone tangled up in his web of lies! And they all get a free vacation out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kaworu pov babey! (although it does switch back to shinji for a while)
> 
> this chapter is....pretty long. so buckle in lol, it's a wild ride full of twists and turns
> 
> also i went back and revised chapter 13 bc i was really unsatisfied with how it turned out (which i think is why i had so much trouble continuing with this fic... nearly 3 months... jeez) so check that out if you are interested!

Every day, Kaworu woke up feeling grateful to have another moment of life. He felt so unbelievably favoured by whatever higher power had otherwise cursed him. He didn't know what it felt like to last this long, to have this much time to spend with the people he cared about. The _person_ he cared about, really, although he had to admit that Shinji's friends had grown on him. Maybe they could be _his_ friends, too, one day. He considered it vital for Shinji to have other people in his life to rely on; maybe it was time he extended himself the same sentiment.

Although things were good — very good, even — there was an ever-present sense of unease hanging over Kaworu’s head. He had blamed it on the recurring tragedy to which he had become so accustomed, but he didn’t find that answer entirely satisfying. The danger felt immediate. It felt like there was more to fear than a phantom of the past.

The looming sense of dread was rectified one day, when he got a phone call from his mother. Of course it would come to this. He had been avoiding this for months, now, and it was only a matter of time. He sighed, answering the phone unsmiling.

“Yes?”

“Kaworu…” She sounded exhausted. “Why haven’t you been returning our calls? We only have so much time to plan this.”

Kaworu frowned. He knew what this was about. His parents have been expecting him to visit for several months, now; each time there was a break from school, his parents had invited him to visit. He had always turned them down, the biggest reason being that his parents expected him to meet their business associates and make connections before he graduated, and Kaworu had no intentions of moving home to Germany anytime soon.

However, there was another reason why he always turned them down: he wouldn’t go if he couldn’t bring Shinji, and his mother had no intention of meeting him — likely because she didn’t want to encourage Kaworu to pursue their relationship any further. It was a difficult situation, so it was one that Kaworu avoided facing. But now, it seemed that he had no choice.

“I’ve already explained this to you. I’m not going unless I can bring Shinji-kun with me.”

His mother was silent for a moment. “You know that I don’t want to meet him.”

“I understand how you feel, but it doesn’t change my conditions.”

Kaworu’s mother — his adoptive mother, although he didn't view his birth mother as anything different — was silent on the other end of the line. If only she could meet Shinji; then she would understand how strong the bond was between them. But Kaworu was slightly glad that she fervently refused to do so. If Shinji met his mother, then...Shinji would know who his mother was.

Perhaps this was the source of the dread he had felt: the guilt of hiding another secret from Shinji. It was by no means a devastating secret, but Shinji would be hurt by it anyway. He would be hurt that Kaworu had withheld information like this from him.

It wasn’t really Kaworu’s fault, though (he told himself); it was mostly a result of bad timing. He hadn’t explained the situation when Shinji had first asked him about his parents, because they had only just met and it wouldn’t have meant anything to Shinji even if Kaworu had told him the truth. The topic had come up since, but Kaworu didn’t know how to say it. Now it had gone on so long that it would be uncomfortable to face it. But he would have to, now. Shinji was going to have to meet her.

“Your father and I have entertained your selfishness for long enough. Don’t you think it’s time you let it go?”

Kaworu chuckled. “No, definitely not.”

“You’re really going to make this more difficult for yourself?”

“No. I’m going to make it more difficult for _you_.”

She sighed heavily. “Fine. Bring him. Bring your friends, too, if you’ve made any. It’s not like you’ll be seeing them for much longer.”

Wait, no, this wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want her to permit it. If she allowed him to bring Shinji, then he had no reason to decline, and that meant...Shinji would have to find out.

But if she met Shinji, and saw how much they cared about each other, then it might convince her that their relationship was too important to discard. Perhaps this would be a good thing. Complicated, but ultimately...good?

“I can bring him?” Kaworu repeated, trying to call her bluff. “I can bring whomever I want?”

“Yes. We’ll spare no expense. I want your last memories with your new friends to be as fond as possible,” she said, not entirely unkindly. She then hung up.

Her brusque attitude was unsurprising. She hadn’t always been this bitter, but her patience had clearly worn thin as of late; she had a lot to worry about. Despite that, Kaworu had little sympathy. He had a lot to worry about, now, too.

A few days later, Kaworu was waiting at the library, trying to think of a natural way to bring up the topic before Shinji arrived and distracted him with his beautiful eyes. Those wide, grey-blue eyes, a colour Shinji would no doubt claim was dull or boring, but they never failed to captivate him. How could they, when they granted him a sliver of access into an otherwise heavily guarded world?

“Oh, good, you’re here already,” said a voice which was somehow always deeper than Kaworu expected it to be.

He looked up, seeing Shinji standing before him. His chest felt tight but he tried to maintain composure. He still wasn’t used to seeing such a mature version of him. He was so tall, now, and slightly more angular with age, but Kaworu couldn't help but see more than that when he looked at him. He saw the timid boy at the beach. He saw the boy pushing him away whenever he tried to get close. He saw the boy clinging on to whatever fragments of hope Kaworu could offer him. Still, despite his mostly-fond memories, the Shinji in front of him now was his favourite.

“Good afternoon, Shinji-kun.”

It caused him physical pain, sometimes, to restrain himself from expressing his feelings. He wanted Shinji to know how eternally smitten he was — he needed him to know. But if he said it too often, then Shinji might get irritated with him, and Kaworu didn't need to relive that experience. He remembered the sting of rejection clearly enough.

Shinji sat down, ran his finger over the cuff of Kaworu's sleeve. “I like this shirt on you.”

Shinji never made it easy for Kaworu to rein it in. “That's so sweet. Thank you.”

Shinji smiled at him, then, and went on to tell him about something that happened in an earlier class. Kaworu listened, of course — everything Shinji said to him was worth his time — but he was less focused than usual. He felt anxious, which was an unfortunate side effect of being fully human. He used to stare death in the face unflinching; he was pathetic, now.

“Is everything okay?” Shinji paused his story to ask as he looked at Kaworu with knitted eyebrows. No, no, he should never have to make that face.

He took Shinji’s hand into his own and squeezed it gently. “Yes, of course. Don't worry.”

Shinji didn’t seem convinced. “Is...something going on?”

“Um… Well, kind of.” He had to take a deep breath — he wasn’t used to being so nervous. “My parents have coerced me into visiting them. They’re hosting some kind of event and they want me to attend. I told them that the only way I would go is if I was allowed to bring company.”

“Oh,” Shinji said, thinking about it. “You mean...me?”

“Yes.”

Shinji seemed confused as to why this was such a big deal. “Well, that’s okay, I guess. When is it? And where?”

Kaworu glanced down at their hands on the table. “Um… it’s in Berlin. During the break.”

Shinji’s brow furrowed again. Kaworu wished to smooth his thumb over the area, make it go away. He hated making Shinji worry.

“Huh? I-I can’t really afford to take a trip like that…”

“It’s okay; they said they would pay for everything.”

Shinji blinked his eyes, full of confusion, as he processed the information. “What? That’s too much! I couldn’t possibly…”

Kaworu shrugged, indicating to Shinji that he wouldn’t be angry if he declined. “If you refuse, then I guess that would give me a reason to avoid going. It’s up to you.”

Shinji looked like he was thinking about it. “You...wouldn’t go unless I went with you? Don’t you want to see your parents?”

“Whether I want to see them or not doesn’t matter; I wouldn’t be seeing much of them, anyway. They expect me to meet with all their business associates, which sounds boring. But if you came with me, then we could spend our free time however we wanted. They would only occupy one evening.”

“You mean...it'll be like we're just taking a trip together?” Shinji asked, eyes slowly filling with excitement.

Kaworu smiled, finding Shinji’s enthusiasm contagious. “Yes, it will.”

"Well, then, of course I’ll go with you!” Shinji exclaimed quietly — it was a library, after all. “There isn’t, like, a secret catch to this, or anything, right?”

“No, no, nothing like that. My parents have too much money; I’m just helping them get rid of some of it.”

“As long as your parents aren’t gonna act like I owe them for the rest of my life, then I guess there’s no reason to turn it down. Man, Rei and Asuka are gonna be so jealous…”

Hm. Kaworu was still irritated at his mother’s smugness. It was in his best interest to make this as expensive for her as possible. She had given him permission, after all.

“Do you think they would like to come, too?” He asked before he had fully thought about it.

“What?” Shinji asked, seeming a bit hurt. “You don’t want it to be just the two of us?”

“Of course I would prefer for it to be just us, but… I also want to have a chance to get to know them better. Through the years, you're the only one I've really spent any time with.”

It wasn't like Rei or Asuka would have to stay with them for the duration of the trip; he and Shinji could still spend time together alone. And, in case this was the last chance he had to get closer to them, then...

“I guess that makes sense,” Shinji admitted, but he seemed downtrodden.

“It's important for me to gain the favour of your loved ones,” Kaworu explained in an effort to lift Shinji’s spirits. “If I'm going to be your husband one day, then I want to have their full approval.”

Kaworu enjoyed the smattering of pink as it bloomed across Shinji’s cheeks.

“T-That's very chivalrous of you,” Shinji muttered.

“Besides, my parents said I can bring anyone I want. They want me to have valuable memories with the friends I've made here.” He could have stopped there, but then he went and added, “I think they feel guilty.”

Shinji tilted his head. “Why would they feel guilty?”

Oops. “...No particular reason.”

Shinji’s eyes narrowed. “Are you hiding something?”

“Yes,” he admitted. “But I don’t want to tell you about it now. I don't want to make you worry about it before you need to.”

“I appreciate your honesty, but...you’re seriously not going to tell me?”

Kaworu shook his head firmly. “I can’t. But I will tell you as soon as it’s necessary.”

Shinji raised an incredulous eyebrow. “...Really? You're going to withhold vital information until the very last minute? Again?”

It was mean and manipulative of Shinji to bring up the multiple ways Kaworu had betrayed him in the past — but it was also well within his right to do so. Kaworu had hurt him, and he deserved to be reminded of it… no matter how much pain it caused him. However, that didn’t mean Shinji automatically won.

“That’s not the same,” he argued. “I'm not keeping anything secret which would fundamentally change our lives.”

“You’re deciding whether something is important or not without considering how I feel. How is that any different than before?”

“No lives are at stake here. This is totally different.”

“It’s not about that,” Shinji said with an eyeroll. “It’s about how you keep things from me as if you know better.”

“It’s not that I think I know better...”

“You’re trying to protect me from facing a difficult situation, but you end up making it more difficult for me by springing it on me and making me deal with it right then.” Shinji’s face showed evidence of guilt, as if he now realized he had taken his analogy too far. “That’s...what happened before.”

“You're seriously comparing this to when I didn’t tell you that I was an...Angel?” He asked, feeling slightly ill as he said the word.

Shinji averted eye contact with a slight shuffle of his arms. “Yes.”

“That's...unfair. Please don't bring up my former shortcomings so nonchalantly.”

Shinji still wouldn’t look at him, and his voice was barely a mumble. “I think I've earned that privilege, haven't I?”

Although he was putting up some resistance, Kaworu felt weak inside, like his skeleton was crumbling. He didn’t want to remember the thing he used to be. Shinji would always have that over him. He had the power to crush Kaworu to a pulp all over again every time he brought it up.

All he had to do was remain calm, and he could fool himself into believing that it was okay. It had been worse for Shinji, anyway; it had never been that bad for Kaworu. Death was easy, it was quick. The guilt of murder was much worse — although it hadn’t been murder, the last time.

“I promise I'll tell you as soon as you need to know. I just don’t want to give you too much time to worry. I know how you tend to...overthink things.”

Shinji was frowning at him, arms crossed. “I don’t like it when you keep secrets from me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Shinji held his frown for a while longer, but then he sighed in defeat. “Alright. Don’t tell me; it’s fine. As long as you tell me a little bit in advance.”

“I’ll make sure to do that.”

Shinji seemed shy, all of a sudden. “A-And...I’m sorry for bringing all that up. That was mean.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. I shouldn’t bring up stuff like that unless it’s really serious.”

“You were right to compare the two situations. If something bothers you, then you should take it seriously. Besides, I ought to be reminded. I shouldn’t be allowed to forget how I hurt you.”

Shinji slightly hunched in on himself, piquing Kaworu’s interest in what he was about to say.

“I-I don’t want to make you feel bad. I’ve already forgiven you for the questionable things you’ve done. It’s not fair for you to hold that guilt for the rest of your life.” He paused, properly meeting Kaworu's gaze. “Why would I want to make the person I love feel worse about something they can’t go back and fix?”

The pain of his traumatic memories melted away as if it had never been there in the first place. Suddenly, he was a golden retriever, and Shinji had just thrown a tennis ball. Love! Shinji loved him!

“It means so much to hear you say that, Shinji-kun,” Kaworu said, his heart close to bursting in his chest. “Of course, I love you, too.”

“I-I know that, obviously,” Shinji mumbled, passing a paranoid glance over his shoulder. “Anyway, we gotta study.”

Although it was exhilarating to reiterate how deep his love for Shinji ran, Kaworu let it go for now; Shinji’s academic success was a more pressing matter.

Later, once the school day had long since come to an end, Shinji texted Kaworu to let him know that Asuka and Rei were very keen on accompanying them — especially when they learned that it was being paid for by someone else. From what Shinji had conveyed to him, they thought the offer was odd, but too good of an opportunity to pass up. Kaworu was flattered that they trusted him enough to come along.

It was a moment of deep satisfaction when he told his mother the news. She had already agreed to it, after all, so she couldn’t act too surprised once she found out that he was bringing two additional people — two additional friends. His friends.

Time flew by as Kaworu occupied himself with making sure everything was in order; his parents were funding it, but he was still responsible for making all the arrangements, and then some. He even had to help Shinji dig through the clutter in his room for his passport, which took much longer than expected. Nevertheless, the day of departure soon arrived and they were on their way.

“Oh, I feel like I'm forgetting something,” Shinji mumbled as he hesitated at the door to the apartment building, patting down his pockets nervously. “What if I forgot something important?”

“You didn’t,” Asuka said, nudging him through the doorway. “And even if you did, I’m sure Kaworu’s mom will buy that for you, too.”

Shinji ignored her — although what she had said was probably true. “Oh, that’s right,” Shinji said. “I meant to ask you, what are your parents’ names? I should know that if I’m gonna be seeing them, right?”

A nervous laugh almost bubbled up Kaworu's throat, but he suppressed it. “Um, they’ll introduce themselves, won’t they?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Then it’s not important for you to know,” Kaworu said, knowing he was being too curt.

Shinji narrowed his eyes, hanging back as Asuka and Rei went ahead to load their bags into the van.

“Kaworu-kun,” he said, voice low and surprisingly threatening. “Why won’t you tell me?”

“You don’t need to know that right now.”

“You keep saying that,” Shinji grumbled. “We’re about to leave. Don’t you think it’s time that you tell me whatever you’ve been hiding?”

“It can wait a bit longer.”

Shinji’s jaw clenched; he must have grit his teeth. “You’ve never had parents before. Who are they, now?”

“...It’s a long story.”

“All I need to know are their names.”

Kaworu couldn’t think of an evasive answer.

“Are you avoiding telling me because I would recognize them if you did?”

“Shinji-kun, we don’t really have time for this…”

“You’re bringing me and Rei and Asuka —for God's sake, _Asuka,_ who doesn’t remember anything and who hopefully never will — to a place where we’re going to have to see someone we knew? And you weren’t going to warn us until we were _already there?”_

Kaworu frowned. “You make it sound like I’m being malicious.”

“Since when do you have secret people in your life that you’ve been hiding from me? I thought you said you never had anyone around you who remembered.”

“She _doesn’t_ remember,” Kaworu muttered. “And on the off chance that she does, she’s done an impeccable job at hiding it. Better than I have.”

Shinji heaved a frustrated sigh, looking at Kaworu like he was fighting the urge to throttle him. Someone in the back of his mind told him to keep pushing him, keep aggravating him, because it would be fun to see him react. But Kaworu wasn’t that stupid anymore. If he wanted Shinji to like him, then he had to be nice to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to put anyone in a position in which they might be uncomfortable. Rei and Asuka can fully avoid running into my parents, so you don’t need to worry about Asuka’s memory potentially getting triggered.”

“But Asuka was looking forward to your parents’ big stupid party. She said she wanted to put her German skills to good use.”

“Still, I can do my best to keep them away from her. She has no obligation to meet them. Neither does Rei.” He paused. “Or you, for that matter. Although I would like for them to see how much you mean to me.”

“Whatever, it’ll be fine. If this was the big secret you were hiding, then I guess it could have been worse.”

Kaworu couldn’t meet Shinji’s eyes. “Right.”

“...That wasn’t it? There’s more?”

“I am so sorry, Shinji-kun.”

The sharp blare of a car horn startled them both, thankfully cutting their pseudo-argument short. 

“Stop making out with each other and get in the damn car!” Asuka yelled out the driver’s-side window. She had climbed up to the front seat to honk the horn, crushing poor Kensuke — who had been kind enough to give them a ride to the airport — in the process.

They got in the car to discover that Toji had come along for the ride, too, which meant that they really did have to let their argument go for now. Kaworu didn't like the feeling of letting it go unresolved, though.

As Asuka prattled on about the various things she wanted to see while they were there, Kaworu leaned towards Shinji’s ear. He didn’t want Shinji to sulk the entire way there, so he decided to just tell him now.

“...My parents expect me to go back to Germany and work for them once I graduate. They’re making me attend this party because they want me to start networking.”

“Oh… So, why did you have to bring me? You told me that you refused to go unless I could come with you.”

“I thought that if I brought you along, then they would understand that I’ve made valuable connections here, and that it would be cruel to separate me from you. That’s why I brought Rei and Asuka, too; I wanted them to see that I’ve finally made friends. If I can call them that.”

“Clearly they’re your friends,” Shinji argued, getting a bit off topic. “They agreed to come with you, didn’t they? I think they just need to get to know you a bit better. Then they’ll see why I like you so much.”

Kaworu smiled. “Thank you for the reassurance.”

“But anyway, about your parents,” Shinji continued, “Even if they aren't willing to understand, it's not like they can _make_ you go back, can they?”

“Technically, no, but I doubt I would be able to afford to properly immigrate without their assistance.”

“So, if they don't change their minds, then… you'll have to go back?”

“We don't need to get into the details now. They haven't even met you yet,” Kaworu said, trying to stop Shinji from worrying again. “Please don't think about what we might hypothetically have to do. It's not necessary right now.”

Shinji ignored his plea. “Well, if it does come to that, aren’t there...other ways of becoming a citizen? Easier ones? That involve having a significant other?” 

Kaworu shook his head. “I am not even going to entertain the idea of marrying you out of desperation; we've waited too long for it to turn out like that. If we plead our case, then we might be able to win them over. If they still resist, _then_ we can talk about that, okay?”

“Okay, I'll let it go for now,” Shinji said, clearly less irritated with him than he had been a few minutes ago. “And, um, thanks for telling me. I get why you wanted to hide that from me, now. But I would still rather have you be transparent with me.”

“I’ll try to do that from now on. I promise.”

“Now that I know our time might be limited, again, I’m gonna try to make the most of it,” he resolved.

“That’s a good way of looking at it, I suppose.”

Shinji shot a glance around the vehicle, then shielded his face with his hand like he was telling a secret; a clever manoeuvre to preserve his dignity as he leaned in closer.

“Don’t draw any attention towards us,” he whispered before pressing his lips against Kaworu’s.

Kaworu tried to heed Shinji’s command, but it was difficult to remember why it was important; nothing else in the entire world mattered to him whatsoever when Shinji was kissing him. A literal chorus of Angels were chiming together in his mind, celebrating the sacred act. Shinji, the only pure and good thing which brought Kaworu purpose in a desolate world, thought he was someone worth paying attention to. Kaworu was someone Shinji _wanted to kiss_. Still, after everything up until now, he could hardly believe it. It was exhilarating in its absurdity.

“Woah! Dudes kissing in the back seat!” Toji exclaimed like he was announcing an alert.

Shinji reeled back, covering his mouth with his palm. “N-No, I…!”

“What do you mean, ‘no?’” Kensuke asked. “We could see you in the mirror.”

“That’s kinda gross, Shinji,” Toji said. “I mean, not ‘cause you’re gay, or nothin’, but ‘cause your sister’s right there.”

“Thank God I hadn’t turned around,” Rei deadpanned.

“I swear, it’s not like that! I’m just feeling...nervous, and Kaworu-kun was trying to calm me down.”

It was a believable explanation. Kaworu commended Shinji for his quick thinking.

“You’re nervous?” Rei asked.

“Well, yeah, kind of. I’ve never been on an airplane before.”

“Seriously?” Asuka asked. “Well, it’s not that scary. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“How long is the flight?” Shinji asked, turning to Kaworu again.

Kaworu winced as he gave his answer. “Eight hours.”

Shinji’s expression grew lifeless. “...Is it too late to back out?”

“We’re on our way to the airport, Shinji-kun. It’s a little bit too late.”

Asuka chimed in. “It won’t be so bad! You’ll be sitting with Kaworu, so if you get scared, you can just hold his hand,” she said snidely.

“Yes, that’s true,” Kaworu said, playing dumb to Asuka’s mocking tone. “I will provide whatever emotional support you need, my love.”

Shinji’s cheeks flared pink as he shot a sideways glare towards him, but he had a funny kind of tight-lipped smile which suggested that he didn’t entirely hate the term of endearment.

“Hold up,” Toji said, evidently still not getting it. “So you guys are, like, actual boyfriends? For real? Not as a goof?”

“It’s not a goof, man,” Kensuke insisted.

“Oh, uh, that’s cool, then,” Toji said, awkwardly giving a supportive thumbs-up. “Love wins.”

Shinji buried his head in his hands and groaned. Only two more hours until they were free of Toji's well-meaning comments.

At the airport, poor Shinji was following the direction of foot traffic like a cow preparing for slaughter. His anxiety was palpable as the crowd got thicker and thicker; Kaworu could tell that he was getting overwhelmed more quickly than usual.

When he had to take his shoes off to go through the scanner, he stumbled and almost fell over. It would have been cute if Kaworu didn’t feel so bad for him. He just wanted to give him a hug; he looked like a frightened animal.

“I'm proud of you for enduring this,” Kaworu told him once they were finally boarding the plane.

“You don't need to be proud of me,” Shinji mumbled. “It's not a big deal, or anything.”

“I think it is. Thank you for doing something scary for me.”

Shinji didn't say anything, but he _did_ squeeze Kaworu's hand in acknowledgement, which was just as good.

Kaworu let Shinji take the window seat in the hopes that the view would distract him from anything that might make him nervous. Thankfully, he fell asleep within the first hour, and stayed asleep through most of the flight. Kaworu stayed awake for a while longer, content to watch Shinji’s blissful slumber, but he couldn't fight off sleep forever.

When they woke up near the end of the flight, Shinji was mortified to discover that they had been snuggled up with each other the whole time; Kaworu had raised the armrest between them before falling asleep so it wouldn’t dig into his side. Kaworu assured him that nobody would have paid them any mind — although he did kind of hope that someone had noticed. It wasn't often that Shinji publicly displayed his affection for him.

Once they had finally arrived at the hotel, Rei said she wanted to take a nap — she hadn't been able to get comfortable on the plane and hadn't slept much.

“Aww, come on!” Asuka whined. “I wanna go sightseeing. We have no time to waste!”

Rei shrugged. “Alright,” she acquiesced, putting up no resistance. “But we still have to drop off our things.”

When they got to their floor, Shinji was inexplicably embarrassed to realize that Kaworu had booked two rooms.

“Well, you didn't expect us to all share one, did you?” Kaworu asked, not understanding what the issue was. “And we didn't each need one for ourselves.”

“I-I mean, that's true, b-but…”

Asuka snorted. “Relax, Shinji. I'm sure the walls are thick enough that we won't hear you guys banging.”

Shinji blushed all the way to his ears, stammering unintelligibly.

“Ew,” Rei said, disappearing into her and Asuka's room.

“Please don't say things like that, Asuka,” Kaworu said. “You might kill him. His heart can't take it.”

Asuka's snickers were still audible even after she shut the door.

After they were settled, Rei demanded that they all go to a museum, as compensation for sacrificing her nap time. Kaworu had no objections — when you've had nothing to do but read during years and years and years of solitude, it's always nice to have the potential to learn something new. Or, at least, _pretend_ he was learning something new.

It ended up being more fun than he had expected; although the art exhibit was something he was already familiar with, he got to tell Shinji all about it as they walked through. The wonderstruck look in Shinji’s eyes was more captivating than anything displayed on the museum’s walls. 

When they were done going through the exhibit, they waited for Rei and Asuka outside the museum gift shop. Rei appeared to be buying something, but it didn’t take long.

“Thank you for your patience. I had to get this book,” Rei said once she came out, holding up the book so they could see the cover.

“Is that in German?” Shinji asked.

“Yes. That won’t be a problem.”

“Since when do you speak German?”

“Asuka has been teaching me.”

“Oh,” Shinji said in realization. “Is that what you were doing the other night?”

Rei blinked. “I’m sorry?”

“I-I mean, uh, I saw Asuka going into your room…”

Asuka practically cackled. “No, you dumbass! Your sister and I are fu—”

Rei elbowed her in the ribs. “Fu...riends. Friends.”

Asuka peered at her with scrutiny.

Rei sighed. “Shinji, I only kept it from you because I knew you would notice it more once you were made aware. But...yes, Asuka and I are...involved. Tentatively.”

“How romantic,” Asuka said flatly.

Kaworu empathized with Asuka, but he knew that Rei was only being so cold because she was afraid. She was in Kaworu's position, now, which was likely why she had begun to see his side of things. She was the one walking on thin ice, careful not to push too far but desperately wanting to push as far as she could. She might have even loved Asuka, but was too terrified to let it show. How could she be sure if Asuka loved her back if she didn’t even know who Rei was?

“...Anyway, should we get going? I’m sure you will be meeting up with your parents soon, right, Kaworu?” Rei asked, not-so-subtly changing the subject.

“I won’t be, actually. They’re pretty busy; they’ll only be seeing me at their party.”

“They aren’t eager to visit their son whom they haven’t seen in almost a year?” Rei asked like she was offended on his behalf. “You came all the way here specifically for them!”

“So we can just use this as a free vacation?” Asuka asked right after. “Sick! Let’s get wasted!”

“Asuka, don’t be so insensitive!” Shinji snapped.

Kaworu raised a pensive eyebrow. “I like her idea, actually. In lieu of quality time, my father has lent me one of his credit cards. I say we go spend his money in the most irresponsible way possible.”

“Awesome!” Asuka cheered.

She took initiative and approached a young man to ask him if there were any bars nearby. She conversed with him in German, obviously, and Kaworu could tell that Shinji felt left out, being the only person who couldn’t understand. Even Rei, with her limited knowledge, would have been able to catch most of the conversation.

The young man’s directions led them to a somewhat-seedy nightclub that was mostly empty, given that it was still early evening. Shinji and Rei claimed a table while their significant others racked up some credit card debt. Rei took one for the team and sat in one of the chairs, leaving the cushioned bench for the rest of them.

“Alright, moneybags, what should we get?” Asuka asked, drumming her hands on the counter.

“I will concede all decision-making privileges to you.”

Asuka took the card from him, studying it for a moment. “Wait, isn’t your last name Nagisa? Why does your dad have a different last name?”

“I’m adopted.”

“...Oh. I, uh, should have figured. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m not sensitive about it.” He looked absently at the bottles on the counter across from them. He could see her staring at him in his peripherals.

“Does Shinji know that?”

Kaworu felt himself tense. “...No, I don’t think so.”

“You haven’t told him?”

Kaworu sighed. “No. It’s a complicated situation, and I didn’t think he’d ever need to know about it. I guess I didn’t expect our relationship to progress to this point.”

“Well, it’s kind of weird that you wouldn’t want to tell your boyfriend something important like that. But I won’t meddle in your relationship.” She tapped her fingers on the counter again, thinking. “How fucked up do you feel like getting?”

“Do your worst.”

Asuka nodded, deep in thought for a moment. She flagged down the bartender and asked to open a tab, handing over the card. She then proceeded to order so many drinks that Kaworu started to worry for his own safety — perhaps he had underestimated her.

She looked back over at his concerned expression. “Oh, relax,” she said. “Half of that is for me.”

“That isn’t reassuring.”

They leaned against the counter, then, waiting for the pile of drinks to amass itself. Kaworu looked over at the table, where Shinji and Rei seemed to be in the midst of conversation. Rei smiled at something Shinji said — Kaworu wasn’t used to seeing her smile. 

He never would have imagined that the stoic, introverted First would have made a good match with the Second, who didn’t seem to have a filter on her overcompensating mouth, but...apparently, they worked fairly well together. Rei seemed happy. Asuka seemed happy, too; most of her typical anger appeared to be in jest.

“I’m glad to see you and Rei together,” Kaworu said, really meaning it. “You complement each other well.”

Asuka side-eyed him. “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you bring a necessary kind of airheadedness to Rei's otherwise bleak and heavy worldview.”

Kaworu heard Asuka mutter _bitch_ under her breath. He chuckled.

“I mean it. It's important for Rei to understand that there is value in enjoying life. That there is something to be gained by engaging with others. The only way to be understood is to become vulnerable.”

“Rei's plenty vulnerable as it is.”

“That may be true. But in order to see herself in others, she must first allow herself to be seen. I think you're one of the few people to have been given that privilege.”

Asuka hummed noncommittally. “Rei and I are more alike than you think.”

Kaworu looked at Asuka, sensing the vulnerability beneath her gaudy, brash exterior. He sensed what must have drawn Shinji towards her, both now and in the past. It was more than just physical attraction, despite what Shinji may have insisted. There was a complexity to Asuka that needed to be uncovered to fully understand. Kaworu knew, had always known, that she was so unlike himself. She was a geode, full of value. He was a hollow fabergé egg, only worth studying at the surface level; if he broke, anyone would surely see that he was empty.

“You have a point. That must be why Shinji-kun cares so deeply about you both.”

Asuka took a glass from the counter and sipped at it. “Shinji _did_ ask me out, after all.”

“...He did? Really?” That was surprising to hear. It was hard to envision Shinji leaving himself so open for rejection.

“Yeah. I still remember how terrified he looked.” She snickered. “He got over me quickly, though. And you seem to be a much better fit for him.”

Kaworu nodded sagely. “Shinji-kun and I do fit together quite well.”

Asuka faltered, looking at Kaworu like she hadn’t heard him right. She then raised her eyebrows and laughed incredulously.

“Oh, wow. I never thought you’d say something like that.”

“I’m known to be full of surprises.”

“You and Shinji have really…done that sort of stuff?”

“Um, I don’t think Shinji-kun would appreciate me talking about this with you.” He paused. “We _have_ , obviously. But you will get no further details out of me.”

Asuka wasn’t ready to let the topic go. “I can’t even believe Shinji would do that kind of thing with someone. He used to seem like he was afraid of being touched. But...I guess it’s good that he’s not like that with you.”

“He was afraid of being touched?”

“Yeah, he always just seemed weird about being close to people. I always figured he would be a virgin for life. Or at least well into adulthood.”

Kaworu had always known Shinji to be someone who feared physical intimacy, but he hadn’t seen much of that from Shinji this time around. He chose to believe that Shinji was just _that_ comfortable around him — but it was equally likely that he was just good at hiding his discomfort. Or, maybe, Shinji just wasn’t as attracted to Asuka as he was to Kaworu. That was it; that was the answer he would go with.

Once all the drinks were ready, they brought them over to the table. Though the room was dimly lit, Kaworu swore he saw Shinji’s face grow pale.

“Um, doesn’t that seem like a little much?” He asked, counting the number of glasses as they were set down.

“Don’t be a baby,” Asuka mocked as she handed Rei her single glass of red wine.

“I can drink some of yours if you don’t want them,” Kaworu offered, sitting beside Shinji on the bench and leaving enough room for Asuka on the other side of him.

“That’s still too much for _you!”_ Shinji protested. “You don’t weigh that much more than me; your tolerance can’t be any better—”

Asuka cut him off, raising a shot to her lips. “Three! Two! One!”

“W-Wait!” Shinji cried, clamouring to submit to the wills of peer pressure. He took his shot a half-second later than Asuka and Kaworu, but it was close enough that it still felt like a group effort. 

Kaworu managed to swallow the foul liquid without tasting it, but Shinji hadn’t had the same luck; he was visibly suppressing a retch. Kaworu slid a glass towards him and he took a large sip from it to get the taste out of his mouth. It didn’t look like much of an improvement. 

Shinji looked down at the drink again and asked, “What is this, anyway?”

Kaworu was already a third of the way through his own drink, eager to quell the lingering anxiety in his gut. “I don’t know. Asuka?”

“Um, I think that one was supposed to be mine.” She traded with Shinji, giving him an identical-looking glass that was significantly weaker, if Shinji's reaction was anything to go by.

“I better not end up babysitting the three of you,” Rei said, sitting atop her cloud of superiority with her esteemed beverage. Kaworu wasn't surprised that Rei was unwilling to partake in their communal irresponsibility.

“Don’t judge us,” Asuka said. “We’re doing what young people are supposed to do. And we got enough for you, too!”

Rei swirled the liquid around in her glass. “Maybe later.”

Eventually, the pile of empty glasses grew until there was nothing left to be drunk. The feeling of intoxication was not something Kaworu took for granted, having rarely lived to reach an age where it was acceptable; he enjoyed the slight numbness in his lips, the warm feeling in his chest, the overall better mood he was in. But the alcohol was also making him crave physical contact, and he was acutely aware of Shinji’s body heat only a few inches away.

It was tempting to follow his instinctual drive to turn his attention towards Shinji and only Shinji, and ignore Rei and Asuka entirely, but he couldn’t. They were in public. And Kaworu had wanted to use this as an opportunity to get to know them better, hadn’t he?

Asuka stood up, taking Kaworu's mind off the base urge to defile the young man to the right of him. He needed to have his mind taken off it, anyway, before he loosened the tight grip on his self-control.

“Let’s get some more, Kaworu-kun,” Asuka said, tugging him by the forearm.

“Hey, don’t call him that!” Shinji snapped, defensive as if it were a pet name. How cute.

“Relax, I was just making fun of you. Why do you call him that, anyway? You don't use honorifics with anyone else.”

Kaworu knew why Shinji addressed him like that — Kaworu had done it first, out of instinct, and Shinji had been too polite to do anything but follow suit. Now, it was done out of habit. Kaworu didn’t mind, though; at least Shinji called him by his first name, this time.

“I-I guess I could just...call you Kaworu, huh?” Shinji asked, hesitant.

“And...I could just call you Shinji.” It felt strange on his lips.

They looked at each other for a moment.

Shinji seemed unnecessarily flustered. “Um, it feels kind of weird, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does. Perhaps it’s something to work towards.”

“Come on,” Asuka whined. “Rei needs another drink. Let’s go!”

“Alright,” Kaworu relented, swaying slightly when he stood up. “I’ll follow your lead.”

Kaworu ordered this time, careful not to get too much. Asuka seemed like she wouldn’t be able to tolerate much more. At this rate, Rei really might end up taking on a babysitting role, and it was unlikely that she would ever let any of them live that down.

As they waited for everything to be ready again, Asuka leaned in closer, voice low so she wouldn’t be overheard. “You know, it’s interesting that you and Shinji seem so close. Didn't you just meet last year?”

“Yes,” Kaworu said, glancing over at the man in question, smiling involuntarily when their eyes met. “I think we just have very compatible personalities, so it seems like we’ve known each other for longer.” It seemed like a safe explanation; partially honest, but vague enough to not hint at anything further.

“Really? I guess that makes sense. Even though I’ve known Rei for a while, sometimes it feels like I’ve known her for _way_ longer. Sometimes I think I know things about her that aren’t true. Do you ever—” she hiccuped “—have you ever felt like that before?”

Kaworu met Asuka’s eyes, looking a little too closely, seeing a vague memory of killing her, as if he were looking through the eyes of someone else. No, that wasn’t him. He hadn’t done that.

He feigned obliviousness. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I know you. I feel like — okay, this is gonna sound weird, but… I had a dream where you were a big white robot — or, like, a bunch of robots? — and you killed me. Like, you just absolutely tore me to shreds.”

“Wow, really,” Kaworu said flatly. “That’s crazy.” He then took one of the shots from the pile on the counter and tossed it back, hoping, praying to erase the memory that wasn’t even his. He shouldn't remember that.

“Yeah. It didn’t look like you, or anything, but I could tell it was you. Isn’t that weird?”

To shreds, she said? Tore her to shreds. He eviscerated her.

“Very weird.” He took another shot. “In fact, I think that it’s _so_ weird that you should forget about it. Forget you ever had that thought.”

Blinded her. Gored her. Ripped out her insides.

“Are you alright?” Asuka asked, timid, as she watched him take another.

That was him. That murderous rage had come from him. The drive to kill. That’s what he was, underneath his veneer of humanity. A monster.

“I’m fine, just...please, stop talking about it.”

“...Sorry,” Asuka mumbled. “It was just a dream…”

“Don’t worry about it. Just, um, don’t mention it to Shinji-kun, alright?”

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

He couldn’t tell her. “I just...don’t want him to see it as a bad omen.”

Asuka huffed. “Why does it feel like everyone knows something I don’t?” She asked, and the slight slur of her speech made her sound like a petulant child. It made Kaworu’s chest hurt. She had only been a child.

“Nobody is keeping any secrets from you,” he lied with a straight face — a skill he had been honing over the years, although it could still use some work. “And if they are, it’s likely nothing worth knowing.”

“I just...don’t like feeling out of the loop.” She crossed her arms over her chest, looking off to a far corner of the room. “I feel like I’m missing out on something. But I guess that’s just a normal part of growing up, right?” She laughed without humour, closing further in on herself. “It doesn’t matter if people shut me out. I guess everyone just has themselves to rely on, in the end.”

“That’s not true,” Kaworu said. “You have many people to rely on, and many people who rely on you. It’s normal to feel lonely, but it doesn’t indicate anything about how others view you. I’ve...spent most of my life feeling lonely. Being alone. But I’ve never let that stop me from building relationships with the people I care about.”

Asuka sighed. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. I have no reason to feel this way. I’ve always had friends, and people have never treated me badly or anything. So why do I feel like shit all the time? Why do I feel like I have to prove something?” 

“That’s —”

Asuka’s voice took on a manic quality. “Why haven’t I been able to forget that dream? Why did it hurt so much to lose?” She swallowed. “How did I even know I was losing? God, it feels like…like everyone is expecting so much of me, and I can’t live up to it…. How do I stop feeling like this?”

Struck by a sudden, guttural urge to comfort her, Kaworu pulled her in, holding her close against his body. He had never held someone like this, aside from Shinji, so he didn’t know if he was doing it right. A second later, he felt her arms weakly wrap around his waist.

“I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m sorry. I’m...sorry you have such horrible thoughts.”

“...It’s okay that you killed me as a giant robot,” Asuka mumbled against the collar of his shirt. “I probably deserved it.”

“You didn’t,” Kaworu whispered. “I promise.” She was very drunk, so she likely wouldn’t remember this tomorrow. He hoped she wouldn’t. Honestly, he hoped _he_ wouldn’t, either.

She started to release her grip, so Kaworu let her pull away. She looked up at him with a wise understanding in her eyes. Kaworu felt a shock of panic in his chest, thinking for a second that he had made her remember something, but she dispelled his worries by speaking.

“I don’t really know what that was about,” she said. “But it felt nice. Therapeutic. And I could tell you needed it, too.”

“I did. Thank you.”

Asuka started to round up the drinks from the counter, but before she could start to carry them to the table, Kaworu stopped her.

“I just wanted to say that I’m...glad that we’ve had this opportunity,” he said, feeling like his mouth was moving on its own. “It would have been a shame to cross paths with you without taking the time to properly meet.”

Asuka seemed somewhat touched, but she hid it with a scoff. “You always have to say things as weirdly as possible, don’t you?”

* * *

“Why is he hugging Asuka?” Shinji asked, watching as Kaworu squeezed Asuka tightly.

“What?” Rei asked, looking up from her book — of course she had pulled her book out.

“Kaworu-kun is hugging Asuka. And she’s hugging him back, too!”

“Oh. Maybe he’s straight, now.”

“What? Really?” Shinji asked, voice rising in pitch.

“Of course not. They’re both pretty drunk, and Kaworu likely has some kind of pent-up guilt about something he did to her in the past.”

“I don’t even think Kaworu-kun ever spoke to Asuka before.”

“I’m sure he did. Regardless, they seem to be working it out.”

“But...Asuka doesn’t remember anything.”

“That’s true, but I trust that Kaworu is being careful not to say anything to trigger her memory.”

After they returned from getting more drinks, it seemed like Asuka was trying to monopolize Kaworu’s attention; she leaned into him more and kept calling him ‘Kaworu-kun,’ likely just to make fun of Shinji, but it still felt like a violation. Rei didn’t seem bothered by Asuka’s behaviour, so again, he tried to let it go. If the ever-fretting Rei was calm about it, then why should he worry? Although, she was skilled at hiding her feelings…

Shinji knew he must have been taking it too personally, especially after he saw them hugging for no apparent reason, but he was starting to feel threatened by Asuka. There was a lot that she could offer Kaworu that Shinji didn’t have; she was confident, and vibrant, and knew how to have fun. Shinji was the opposite of those things. Shinji’s idea of fun was going a whole day without having a panic attack.

Eventually, Shinji started to feel more possessive and scooted closer down the bench, leaning into Kaworu as well. He hooked their arms together at the elbow and placed his other hand on his bicep, letting his fingers press into it. Kaworu looked down at him, eyebrows raised, surprised by the sudden affection.

“Hey, Kaworu-kun,” he said, though he already had his attention.

Kaworu smiled. “Yes?”

Shinji’s voice stuck in his throat when he looked into Kaworu's partially-lidded eyes. He hadn’t prepared anything to say; he had just wanted Kaworu to look at him.

“Y-You look really hot right now,” he stammered, speaking from the heart.

Kaworu disregarded Asuka’s raucous laughter, struck by Shinji's bluntness. “You do, too. Although that’s not atypical for you.”

Shinji tilted his head, letting it rest against Kaworu’s shoulder, feeling the warmth of his body against his cheek. His head was spinning. He buried his nose in the collar of Kaworu’s shirt and inhaled; the scent was intoxicating. He could barely keep his eyes open.

“You smell really good,” Shinji said, not willing to put in the effort to construct a better-sounding sentence.

“You’re making me want to hurry back to the hotel, Shinji-kun.”

“Gross,” Rei piped up. “I think you’d better stop messing with him, Asuka. You’re making Shinji jealous.”

Shinji raised his head, although he was still dizzy with lust. Rei was covering her eyes. He remembered, now, that they were not alone. Poor Rei had witnessed so much in the last twenty-four hours.

“I wasn’t jealous,” Shinji argued weakly.

“Oh, _that’s_ why you were trying to seduce me,” Kaworu realized. “Not that I minded it. You were succeeding.”

“Jeez, Shinji, I’m just trying to bother you. It’s not like he likes girls, anyway,” Asuka said with a scoff.

“It’s not only that, Shinji-kun; regardless of gender, you’re the only person I could ever imagine being with,” Kaworu assured him. “There’s no reason for you to be jealous. No matter where I am, or what I’m doing, I would always rather be with you.”

It may have just been the alcohol making him more easily convinced, but he really believed what Kaworu was saying. He had been a fool to think that Kaworu would be interested in Asuka, of all people. For some reason, Shinji was the epitome of human perfection to him — although he was sure it was his imperfections, instead, that had made Kaworu so fascinated with him in the first place.

“Wow, I wish I had someone who would publicly profess their feelings for _me_ ,” Asuka said pointedly before taking a long sip of her drink.

“Is that really what you want?” Rei asked.

“...No, not really.”

Rei smiled. “Even so, I’ll still say that I appreciate your passion,” she said, now drunk enough to divulge what she would have usually kept private. “I like how brash you can be. It’s one of my favourite things about you.”

Rei punctuated her statement by extending her hand across the table, lacing her fingers with Asuka’s. For once, Asuka seemed so stunned that she could do nothing but smile like a fool.

Shinji was content to sit and slowly sink into a stupor while he listened to their conversation. He liked that Rei was being more vocal than usual, although it was likely because she was drunk. But she also likely felt that she had less to hide than she used to. She didn’t have to be wary of Kaworu anymore. She didn’t have to hide her relationship with Asuka. And if none of their presences had yet triggered Asuka’s memory, then that likely wasn’t much of an issue, either.

Speaking of Asuka… Now that Shinji had worked through his jealousy, he started to notice that Asuka and Kaworu were getting along quite well. At the moment, they both seemed to have a kind of recklessness that Rei and Shinji lacked. Kaworu had hardly been given a chance to meet Asuka before — aside from the time he followed her into the washroom. Shinji was relieved to see them forming a connection. 

Asuka asked Kaworu if he would go dance with her, to which Kaworu accepted. Shinji stayed back with Rei, eager to see how this would play out. He found it interesting to watch Kaworu slowly devolve into a vapid, ineloquent fool, just like Asuka. He had never seen this fun, youthful side of Kaworu before. He actually seemed like a young adult, no longer behaving as if he was shouldering a hundred years’ worth of wisdom. It was refreshing.

As Shinji downed the rest of his glass, he watched as Asuka started doing the robot. He almost choked when Kaworu followed suit. They looked stupid, but Shinji thought that it looked like fun. It wasn't like anyone he knew would see him, so he decided to join.

“I’m gonna go with them,” Shinji said, leaning in too close towards Rei and speaking too loudly. “You should come too.”

Rei looked over at Asuka and Kaworu, finding that they were now attempting some kind of more complicated move, although they were too uncoordinated to pull it off properly. Rei then tossed the rest of her wine back, then chugged what remained of Asuka’s drink before rising from the table. She must have needed the confidence.

“We should probably separate them before they fall in love.”

“Y-You don't think that could really happen, do you?”

“No.”

Shinji tapped Kaworu on the shoulder, making him stop mid-movement.

“Shinji-kun!” He cried, spinning Asuka away and taking Shinji into his arms. “I missed you _so_ much.”

“You saw me ten minutes ago…”

Kaworu ignored him. “You’re so cute. I love you. Will you dance with me?” His eyes weren’t quite focusing on Shinji’s face.

Shinji smiled. “I came over here to ask you the same thing.”

For once, Shinji felt that they were on equal footing — Kaworu was not a very good dancer, especially with the amount of alcohol he had consumed. Shinji was no better. He loved seeing Kaworu look like an ungraceful dork. It reminded him that he was human. He really was human, now. Shinji had never really seen him as anything different before...although he had never been given much time to consider it before it all came to an end.

Eventually, Asuka suggested they get one more round of shots and then head somewhere else. Rei agreed to take one, too, once she saw how much fun everyone else was having. She hardly even grimaced when she tossed it back.

After leaving the club, they walked around the streets as Asuka looked for some kind of mischief they could get into. Eventually, they found a building surrounded by some scaffolding, indicating that the structure was in the process of being repaired. The building was sure to be unoccupied, and there was a big empty ledge a few metres up the front of it.

“Dude, I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you climb up there,” Asuka said to Kaworu, bouncing up and down on her heels.

“You don’t even need to bribe me.”

“What? No, you can’t do that! You’re drunk; you’re not coordinated right now!” Shinji protested.

“Oh, come on, Shinji-kun. I’ll be fine. You think I’d die in a stupid way like this? After all we’ve been through?”

Shinji didn’t like the careless look in his eyes. He knew that Kaworu was worried about how things with his parents would turn out, but that didn’t mean he needed to act recklessly. 

“You’re not indestructible.”

Kaworu took Shinji’s face in his hands. “If I fall and break my neck and die, then you’ll know that the Fates have decided it — you’re not meant to be with me.”

Shinji felt his mouth fall open in shock. “That’s...so mean! How dare you say something like that!”

“I’ll climb it, too,” Asuka said. “In fact, I’ll climb it first. Gimme a boost!”

Kaworu hoisted her up until she could climb to the nearby ledge. He averted his eyes so as to not look up her skirt; how respectful. At least he respected _someone_. Shinji glared at him with crossed arms.

“You’re not going up there.”

“I’ll go up,” Rei said. “Boost me, too.”

Kaworu did the same for Rei, letting her use him as a springboard to kick off in order to reach the ledge and sit next to Asuka.

“I could reach it if I jumped, Shinji-kun. It’s not that high.”

“You’re _not_ going up there,” Shinji repeated.

“Do you want to go up?” Kaworu asked.

“Come up, Shinji!” Asuka called. “It’s so cool up here!”

Shinji huffed. “I can reach it on my own. You don’t need to lift me up.”

“Aww, but I want to,” Kaworu said playfully. “Please, can I?”

“...Fine.”

Shinji wasn’t enthused about it at first, but as soon as Kaworu’s strong, sturdy arms were lifting him up, he never wanted to be put down. Eventually, though, he had to climb up, or else Kaworu’s arms would give out and send Shinji tumbling to the sidewalk.

Once he was up on the ledge with Rei and Asuka, he saw the appeal; it was pretty cool to look down at the street from the modest height.

“There’s room for you up here, too, Kaworu,” Rei called.

“Shinji-kun doesn’t want me to do it, so I don’t mind staying down here.”

Now Shinji felt guilty. It really wasn’t that high up, and Kaworu was the only one left out.

“Y-You can come up,” Shinji told him. “I think you’ll be okay.”

Kaworu did a running jump, catching the ledge with his hands and using part of the scaffolding for leverage with his foot. Shinji was actually kind of impressed that he had scaled it so quickly.

Kaworu turned to him once he was seated, panting slightly. “See? I told you I could do it.”

“I know. I’m just…” His voice weakened to a mumble. “I’m scared of losing you.”

Kaworu smiled with sympathy. “I’m scared of losing you, too.”

It was scary at first to do something kind of dangerous, but it was worth the exhilaration of being somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. Shinji wasn’t usually one to break rules — not that this was a particularly huge transgression. Still, it was exciting.

He wasn’t interested in becoming an international criminal, though, so he made them get down quickly when he saw some cars drive by. It was more daunting to hop down than it was to climb up, but Kaworu went down first and volunteered to help everyone else.

“That was all the excitement I can take for one night,” Rei said, adjusting her scarf around her neck. “And it’s cold. Let’s go back.”

It was a bit of a trek, but they eventually made it to the hotel on foot. Before they went to their separate rooms, Asuka gave Kaworu a fumbling hug.

“I enjoyed getting very stupid with you,” she said. “You're way cooler than I thought you were.”

“Thank you, I think?”

She then pinched Shinji’s cheek like an overbearing aunt before bidding them a good night.

After all the walking they had done, Shinji was looking forward to crawling into bed. He was sure Kaworu felt the same, especially with everything that had been weighing on his kind. Surely, they would immediately go to bed; why wouldn’t they?

Shinji’s naïve hopes of a restful sleep were quickly dashed. As soon as they were within the safety of their hotel room, Kaworu was kissing him until he was dizzy, pushing him against the door by his hips.

“It’s so hard not being able to kiss you whenever I want,” Kaworu breathed against his lips. “You were driving me crazy.”

“W-Was I?” Shinji asked, pretending like he hadn’t openly hit on him in public.

Kaworu treated Shinji’s question like it was rhetorical. Instead of responding, he kissed along his jaw, down his neck, lowering himself until he was on his knees. He nuzzled against the front of Shinji’s jeans, popping the button open and then looking up at him. 

“K-Kaworu-kun, what are you…?” Shinji asked, trailing off because it was a stupid question.

“Can I go down on you, Shinji-kun?”

Shinji felt his face heat up. “I-I’m not going to say no...” 

Kaworu smiled, still waiting patiently. “Can you say yes?”

“...Yes,” Shinji mumbled, giving proper consent.

Once he had permission, Kaworu pushed Shinji’s pants down his thighs; Shinji took his shirt off, too, so it wouldn’t get in the way. Shinji was embarrassingly hard, already, just from Kaworu kissing him, so Kaworu didn’t hesitate to drag his tongue up the length of him. He had barely slid the tip into his mouth when Shinji felt his knees start to weaken.

“U-Um, maybe we should...move to the bed,” Shinji stammered. “I might not be able to stand up for much longer.”

Shinji stepped out of his pants so he didn’t trip as Kaworu led him to the bed. When he was on his back, and Kaworu was settled in between his open thighs, he realized that the light was on. Kaworu was just...staring at him, like he was transfixed.

“Shinji-kun, you’re...so…” He didn’t finish his sentence; instead, he splayed his hands on Shinji’s inner thighs, holding them apart, as he swallowed his cock in its entirety.

“K-Kaworu-kun…!” Shinji yelped in surprise, taken aback by the intense sensation. Kaworu didn’t falter. Shinji couldn’t tell if he was technically skilled or not, but he didn’t think it mattered; Kaworu was sucking and swirling his tongue and keeping his teeth out of the way, which was all Shinji could have asked for. Well, maybe there was one more thing…

Kaworu pulled off for a moment. “Would you like me to finger you, too?” He asked, reading Shinji’s mind, before pressing an open-mouthed kiss to his inner thigh. 

Shinji nodded, too out of breath to verbally respond. Kaworu reached to the floor beside the bed and dug around in his bag until he found what he was looking for. When he wrapped his lips around Shinji’s cock again, the feeling was accompanied by a slick finger pressing into him.

In his drunken, horny state, Shinji wished Kaworu would properly enter him, but he didn’t have the patience for it, and they would likely be overheard. Besides, Kaworu seemed to be enjoying what he was doing; he was making so much noise that it sounded like _he_ was the one on the receiving end.

Thankfully, Kaworu's fingers were satisfying his urge to get fucked, and his mouth was relentless, making it difficult for Shinji to resist bucking his hips against it. He felt guilty that he was the one getting all the attention, but he knew Kaworu was getting off on this, he knew he must have been aching; he knew he wanted nothing more than to please Shinji. He wondered, briefly, if Kaworu could become so turned on from this that he would come untouched. It was an appealing thought.

Unfortunately, he would have to wait to find out if that were possible; he wasn’t going to last any longer. He tangled his fingers in Kaworu's hair and held his head still as he came, muffling a groan behind his palm. He felt Kaworu swallow around him — of course he swallowed it. That wasn’t surprising. But what _was_ mildly surprising was how enthusiastic he was about it.

Kaworu let Shinji slip out of his mouth, then wiped his lips with the back of his free hand. “Was that alright?” He asked as he withdrew his fingers. 

Shinji couldn’t help but chuckle at his question. “It was better than alright.” He sat up, kissing Kaworu deeply, not caring about the taste on his tongue. “Please let me do it to you, too.”

“If you really want to, then…”

Shinji pushed Kaworu down against the pillows. “I do.” He started to undo the buttons on his shirt. “So let me, okay?”

“Okay, Shinji-kun.”

Shinji hastily tugged the rest of Kaworu’s clothes off, then took his cock into his hand. He was already so close, so Shinji didn’t have time to be shy about it. He pushed the head past his lips as far as he could, using his hands to take care of the base — there was no way he could fit the whole thing into his mouth. 

Kaworu sighed, sounding relieved, as Shinji did his best to please him. He tried to mimic what Kaworu had just done to him; evidently, he was doing a good job. Kaworu’s hips were wriggling, and he was babbling all about how good of a job Shinji was doing and how perfect he was and how much he loved him — and since Shinji’s mouth was full, he couldn’t do anything to shut him up.

Shinji found it thrilling that he had such an effect on him; so thrilling, in fact, that he was getting hard again. He didn’t want Kaworu to feel obligated to take care of him once he was done, so he took one of his hands off Kaworu's cock and started touching himself. Kaworu noticed after a moment.

“Oh, Shinji-kun, you’re — you’re _that_ turned on by — by —” He gasped, trying to get the words out. “That’s — oh, God, that’s so hot, Shinji-kun, I —”

Kaworu was _loud_ , much louder than usual, and when he came, he cried out a string of curses that Shinji had never heard him say. Shinji swallowed, too — it was only fair — and finished himself off while Kaworu was catching his breath.

“Was that alright?” Shinji asked, trying to be funny, as he cleaned his hand off with a tissue.

Kaworu pulled Shinji in, hugging him tightly. “You nearly killed me.”

“...In a good way?” Shinji asked.

“Yes,” Kaworu said, then kissed Shinji, tasting himself in his mouth — again, it was only fair.

* * *

The next morning, when they met up to get breakfast together, everyone but Rei was suffering a terrible hangover. She had an air of smugness about her as they all rubbed their bleary eyes and tried not to vomit. She even lectured them about the importance of drinking responsibly (which would have been more useful beforehand, not that they would have listened).

Although the headache was unbearable, and the nausea was overpowering, Kaworu wouldn’t have changed anything about the day prior. He hoped to someday be able to reminisce about this with them — with his friends. Asuka was his friend, and even Rei was his friend, now; and despite everything, Shinji was his closest friend out of anyone. He felt lucky; blessed, even, to have them. He only hoped he could keep them for a while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shinji and kaworu had...3 arguments in this chapter, i think? lol. and i think shinji was in the right in all of them
> 
> should kaworu have memories from the dummy plugs in the mass production evas? no. but this is my fanfic and i wanted him to. lol
> 
> i looooooved writing kaworu and asuka's interactions... i don't usually know what to make of their dynamic but i really like how it played out here!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!


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